30/08/2024
Tomorrow I am looking at 5 years without my mother.
That is 1,825 days. How is this even possible?
It was only last week when I wanted to text her pictures of her grandkids first day of school without even skipping a beat. Staring down at the Mom contact on my phone that still stores my most treasured messages from her, and realizing that this number was long ago given to someone else.
How can it be this long since I have heard her voice but it still feels like yesterday? It doesn’t even seem real yet that she is no longer here. When my mind reminds my heart of this daily, I still get knocked over in that wave of reality that she are gone. It’s not like the beginning where the waves came every few minutes that I didn’t have time to gain my footing. At that time I couldn’t even get it out of my mind before the next one came crashing into me. But at 5 years it catches me when I least expect it. Like in the card aisle at Target when I catch the Mom cards in my peripheral vision. And these waves have had the time to gain height and traction. It knocks me to my knees without a warning anymore.
After 5 years I have learned a variety of lessons. It’s all about trial and error. We don’t learn how to live without the people we love. It’s taken me a while to build the things that work. (1,825 days to be exact) I hope this can help people just starting out on this journey.
1. Yes. She would want me to be happy but grieving is essential to healing. Feeling all those yucky emotions are part of the process. I wasn’t disappointing her for being sad because I needed to. Grief will always catch up to you because it has to be felt.
2. Relationships will change. When tragedy hits you know who is really there for you. Sometimes it’s the least expected ones.
3. I have also changed. This one is inevitable. When you learn how life can change between heartbeats, you also learn to let go of the things that are trivial and no longer hold meaning.
4. She with me. In the beginning I would hate to hear that from others. “She is always with you.”What does that even mean?? When everything was physical before that point you can’t wrap your head around it. Yet. But in the past 5 years I have seen so many signs from her that it’s undeniable. I just have this feeling that she is closer than I can imagine.
5. I’m not leaving her behind by moving forward. In the first few months I was paralyzed by the thought of trying to heal in my grief. I had to learn to put it in perspective. My mother had hopes and dreams for me. I know not one of them included being stuck in a state of devastation. I started thinking about how she would encourage me in her own voice. I can hear it more often now with practice. My mantra is each day I move forward and live a life that would make her smile… is one day closer I come to seeing her again. This gives me the determination to put one foot in front of the other even on the worst days.
6. Reach out if you need to. There are wonderful groups and counselors that are ready to help. You can find comfort and solace in the grieving community. I lead one at church and I absolutely can see the healing take place as the weeks go by.
7. Be your own best friend. You are the only one that truly knows how this loss feels. Your relationship was unique. Do not compare to what others are feeling because it wasn’t the same connection. Practice self care. Talk to yourself like you are talking to your best friend who is going through the same thing.
8. Having a bad day or week does not mean you are going backwards. In grief you will hit minefields along the way. These go off when you least expect it, especially during holidays, birthdays and anniversary’s. Mine are going off heavy this week. It is par for the course.
9. People mean well. They want you to feel better but when you are hurting and highly sensitive sometimes words come off as being insincere. Try not to read too much into it. When people haven’t been in your situation yet it is hard to find the best words.
10. It’s ok to isolate but don’t isolate too much. I know it’s hard to relate to a world that just keeps turning, seeing people laughing and when small talk just feels exhausting. Just make sure to leave the door cracked open for your support system to check up on you.
11. Carry them with you. Look at their pictures. Cook their recipes. Weave them in and out of your daily lives. Someone who is always in your mind and heart will always be with you.
Always.🧡🧡
