11/12/2024
Life beyond frocks....an update...
So its been 4 years, 4 years since my brief interlude with parent hood, via adoption.
Failed Adoption.
I can say it now. I failed adoption.
This time 4 years ago, I couldn't even imagine how to get past this, at the time, horrendous situation that unravelled, and hit me in ways I could not even conceive, my trust was broken, my heart was broken, I was broken.
This time, 4 years ago, I was married, and just in the first few weeks of an amazing adoption placement of a little 3 year old girl, Ella.
It was December 2020, and one the long waited day, we finally had our little family home. It was also covid lock down 3.
I didn't know then, how this story, our lives, would play out, I knew it would not be easy, but I had no idea things could or would, have turned out the way they did.
I write this now, as I have spent the past 3 years fighting Milton Keynes child services, and today I received a formal apology, which from all legal stand points, is a good thing, but from my hearts, it doesn't ever feel enough, I don't think anything will ever feel enough. I want to scream from the roof tops, but I cant, so this is the next best thing I guess.
For 5 brief, but very intense months, we had a daughter, and I very openly wrote posts on this, on how amazing and how hard it was, as most of my friends knew of our struggles to have a family and have been a great support in all this.
I asked for advice and help on the hard bits, I was a first time Mum, I thought this was ok. I trusted people.
I wrote openly, in the way I am known, with swears, in a jokey way, never to offend, the great C word, I used to use with joy, I can't even say any more, not here, or it will be banned, removed, much like our daughter.
To update, the last posts on this were of the sudden loss of E, back in 2021, via removal from social services. That moment, was the most horrific and traumatic moment of my life, (not in the world, I know worse things happen, but for me, this was it, the worst thing happened)
I'm trying to write this as concisely as I can, for me, I need to let it out now, finally, to let go, move on, and for those who were wondering, WTF happened....
We adopted a little girl during lock down Nov 2020-April 2021.
This was a rewarding yet challenging experience, ( this is me summarising this A LOT) in which we struggled and asked for help with, but due to the worldwide pandemic situation, there was much that got lost in translation, and many lessons have been learned from this from both sides.
It ended due to safeguarding referral from a third party taking words I had said as a joke, taken out of context and taken as real.
Due to lock down, all of this was done via zoom meetings, and has since been concluded that this was not appropriate, it was also noted that no investigation was done before removing the child, and 'due to covid lockdown' many of the usual procedures and protocols by the LA were not done.
We, post removal, had to take the very difficult decision to not proceeded with a court case to fight this as it would have taken over 3 years, with E, being unable to settle anywhere until this was done, this we could not do to her.
It was this decision that ended our marriage.
The past 3 years have been spent in the complaints system trying to do 3 main things, find the truth, for E and for me.
I finally got to find out some facts that I needed to know, that she was asking for me, but I was never told this. That the police were never involved, it was never by them, taken seriously. That significant information regarding her past was known and not told to us. I needed be prepaid for as much as I could and I was not.
There's so much to this, I can't really go into it legally, as its not just me involved.
But I did finally get to the truth, many things that Milton Keynes child services lied to us about, tried to cover up, hide, they all came out in the stage 2 71 page report.
Most of the 15 complaints made against them were upheld, and they say they are sorry and are trying to ensure this will not happen again.
To start with, I wanted to spill my rage about this, the wrong doing, the lies the sadness of it all, but as I started, I realise...
I don't.
I want to celebrate the good time we had, of which there were many, and I don't want these erased by anger or bitterness, that this long dragged out case was doing, ...hello heart attack 2023...
I want to make peace with it all, and move on , gently.
I know many people successfully adopt, and that's brilliant, but I also know that many don't, many have had really bad experience's with this, and the massive lack of support and lies that can happen in these cases. these things need to be talked about and listened to, not hid from sight like it never happened, we need to learn from our mistakes, or else what's the point.??
What I have learned from this has been invaluable.
Before the adoption, I started counselling, to find my voice, which I did so, maybe too much...or maybe not enough, or maybe I just wasn't using it in the right way...
I have gained from this, was an official dyslexia diagnosis, sounds small, but was massive, I mess up with words, a lot, I cover this with humour and swearing, which has never been real problem to me before, until this, social services, who do not have a sense of humour, sarcasm is not on their radar, and there's probably a good reason for this. I just learned this too late.
I was unable to communicate with SS in the way in which they needed me to, my learning disability and anxiety, made me look to them like I was being incompliant, when actually I was just struggling to communicate how they wanted.
All I wanted was to be the best Mum I could. These things became contradictory at many points, I should have been better at expressing myself, but I wasn't, and I will have to live with that forever.
If I done things again, I would be very different, I would get a PA! I would ask for help earlier, and not take things on until they are in place.
Since this, they have made adjustments to help with this and many other areas.
Positive changes have happened, and that's important, I will never see E again, but she will know what really happened and that we never stopped loving her, that's the most important thing.
The rest I can't change, but I just needed her to know this, above all.
So after working so hard to find my voice, I then had to find silence, which is really hard, when you are screaming inside...
Then patience, waiting 3 long years for the complaints procedure, and my god, will they try to get you too give up...
DONT.
Then the screams become quieter, and the reflections become longer.
I think of all the parent training we had to do, which never seemed enough, and some how feel, that the only thing that has made me become a good parent now, to no child, was losing one.
For those who supported me, us, throughout this, so I can't thank you enough, I will be forever grateful.
I received many messages of support, and I may never have replied, I wasn't in the best place, but I really appreciated your kind words and insights.
They say everything happens for a reason, which you can never understand at the time, and maybe my time to be Ella's mum was only ever meant to to brief, and to send us both off to where we both needed to be, with knowledge that we could have only gained from each other, I hope so.
I can honestly say I'm much happier now, I never thought that could happen after all this, in a very different life to what I'd planned.
...an unexpected, bonus round if you like, with a man who makes me laugh every day, and a few close friends who I know have my back, no matter what.
And that's more than enough.
Many things I have learnt from this experience, is that, love, friendship and endurance is everything.
Keep going and keep loving.
A celebration of love, no matter how short, it still counts.
Ella and me, Nov 2020, April 2021.
xx
