Onyeoma Diyoyo Comedy page

01/09/2022

Good God

17/08/2022

I can't bear this again please advise me 😂😂😂😂😂

I have a girlfriend who is a police officer. When she misses me, she just come to my house in uniform and arrest me in presence of my wife and take me to her home till the next day.

Then she bring me back and tell my wife “we are not done with investigations yet. I shall pick him up anytime we want more from him“

And my innocent wife will always say: 'madam officer, God bless you for handling my husband's case with care I will make sure he is always available anytime you need him''. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂,Am I doing well or what do you think my people ?????

04/08/2022

You're in a püblic toïlet
Nö water,no tïssue
Only Bïble & cheque of $70billion. Use one😎
THÜNDER GET REÄDY💥

29/07/2022

My wife said she loves a cool man
I have been inside the fridge since, will soon block. All I want is her happiness .

Gbokwanu?

25/07/2022

No woman can control me, No woman can control me; but once she says "go and close the door" You fly like a Bird Brother!😂😎na man control you? Idiot man 😂😂😂😂

05/07/2022

😭😭😭😭😭
*A Very touching story from China*
​朣楢琴执㝧执瑩浻牡楧㩮㔱硰执㝧执獧浻牡楧敬瑦瀰絸朣杢㑳执獧扻捡杫潲湵潣潬㩲昣昸昸㬸慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧敷止瑩札慲楤湥楬敮牡氬晥⁴潴敬瑦戠瑯潴牦浯㡦㡦㡦潴捥捥捥戻捡杫潲湵浩条㩥眭扥楫楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散戻捡杫潲湵浩条㩥洭穯氭湩慥牧摡敩瑮琨灯㡦㡦㡦捥捥捥㬩慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧獭氭湩慥牧摡敩瑮琨灯㡦㡦㡦捥捥捥㬩慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散戻捡杫潲湵浩u条㩥楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散汩整㩲牰杯摩䐺䥘慭敧牔湡晳牯楍牣獯景牧摡敩瑮猨慴瑲潃潬卲牴昣昸昸䔬摮潃潬卲牴攣散散㬩潢摲牥硰猠汯摩⌠㙣㙣㙣搻獩汰祡戺潬正潭潢摲牥爭摡畩㩳瀲㭸漭戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰敷止瑩戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰戻牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰执獧搴摻獩汰祡戺潬正瀻獯瑩潩㩮敲慬楴敶执獧搴筮楤灳慬㩹湩楬敮戭潬正漻敶晲潬​
​朣楢琴执㝧执瑩浻牡楧㩮㔱硰执㝧执獧浻牡楧敬瑦瀰絸朣杢㑳执獧扻捡杫潲湵潣潬㩲昣昸昸㬸慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧敷止瑩札慲楤湥楬敮牡氬晥⁴潴敬瑦戠瑯潴牦浯㡦㡦㡦潴捥捥捥戻捡杫潲湵浩条㩥眭扥楫楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散戻捡杫潲湵浩条㩥洭穯氭湩慥牧摡敩瑮琨灯㡦㡦㡦捥捥捥㬩慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧獭氭湩慥牧摡敩瑮琨灯㡦㡦㡦捥捥捥㬩慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散戻捡杫潲湵浩u条㩥楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散汩整㩲牰杯摩䐺䥘慭敧牔湡晳牯楍牣獯景牧摡敩瑮猨慴瑲潃潬卲牴昣昸昸䔬摮潃潬卲牴攣散散㬩潢摲牥硰猠汯摩⌠㙣㙣㙣搻獩汰祡戺潬正潭潢摲牥爭摡畩㩳瀲㭸漭戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰敷止瑩戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰戻牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰执獧搴摻獩汰祡戺潬正瀻獯瑩潩㩮敲慬楴敶执獧搴筮楤灳慬㩹湩楬敮 戭潬正漻敶晲潬​

*​I felt like crying😭.*
*​Especially that part where he said: 汦睯攺潢摲牥㩳瀲㭸漭戭牯*

No dey look me🙄
Na true life story I dey tell you 🚶🚶

31/05/2022

*Chuka borrow Osita phone to call him mama, as he type him mama number naaa "Sugar-mummy Asaba" the phone display 😹😹*

*I swear since morning, we dey here dey settle matter.. We never finish oo😂😂 😂*

11/05/2022

Just ,this afternoon ooo a Yoruba boy who was dating an igbo girl whose name was Njideka asked her to lie to his mum when he takes her home that her name was Bisi. He told her his mum had a phobia for non-Yoruba people and would never accept her once she knows her name was an Igbo girl. She did as he instructed on sighting the boyfriend's mum. She asked her what her name was and she said 'Bisi' but not without her characteristic thick igbo accent. The boy's tribalistic mum was so happy that her son was getting married to a Yoruba girl ignoring the igbo tone and she said: 'what a lovely name, your boyfriend's elder brother too is Adebisi, his Dad is Olabisi and my best friend's name is Omobisi, which of the Bisi is yours?' She was confused and she replied Ndubisi...the woman fainted.She is still on ground since morning ooooo.!!!!!!!!!!!

02/05/2022

*CONCENTRATION WILL OPEN ANY DOOR*

The first law of success is concentration.

Concentration is your magic key that opens the door to accomplishing anything.

When your physical and mental resources are focused, your power to resolve problems multiples tremendously. To do two things at once is to do neither.

Bend all of your energies to one point, and go directly to that point, looking neither to the right nor to the left.

Nothing can add more power to your life as much as concentrating all your energies on a limited set of targets.

The sun's rays do not burn until brought to a focus. Success is the result of well directed energy.

Good morning everyone and happy New week

27/04/2022

HOW TO SCAM SHALLOW MINDED CHRISTIANS PART 1

1. Organize a programme.

2. Make Sure it's around the end of the month when salaries will be paid.

3. Look for trending gospel artistes.

4. Negotiate a price with the gospel music artist.

5. Invite good motivational speakers and prophetic smooth talkers. He must fly in from another city or country. You must innocently sit down during the service, and feign ignorance.

6. Make billboards and jingles (it's for publicity).

7. Now, on the D day. It must be emphasized how the invited guest(s) left other business behind to fly all the way here. All because of the anointing of giving.

8. Now let the musician sing and stir the emotions of all present

9. Now, if you can give in hundred thousands come to the altar if in fivety thousands stand by my right side

10. Work don set. At this time, most are no longer thinking straight and many will come up to the altar just for show off

11. If you can give land, car etc. I will pray for you specially after service in the Pastor's office.

12. Let the singers massage people's emotions with the popular songs

13. Show them how the widow gave her last mite & the widow of Zarephath too. (They will agree, because it's in the bible)

14. Now hear the chief scammer "I know I said I won't go beyond this amount, but the lord just said to me, the anointing is for everyone here, so come with whatever you have.

15. The job is done. Now you, the host pastor and guest meet and share according to their agreement.

16. The victims will now be waiting for all the promises and prophecies. It's been 10 years now. They're going to be waiting for the next program to come again while they are thinking on how to repay debts upon debts, bills and fees without an inch of raise in their income. ( C)

27/04/2022

Its raining cat and dog and your child tells you Daddy/ Mummy please come inside before thunder fires you. Please my people is this an insult or care word from an innocent child? Sincere comments please ,let go me people .

30/03/2022

From April 2nd ❤️ dem go hear

01/03/2022

Happy new month of marching FORWARD in all RAMIFICATIONS to all my friends, fans and family in Jesus name, Amen

22/02/2022

*APPLICATION FOR A HOUSE HELP*

House help on Banana Island wanted.

Amount : 450k a month.

You are allowed to go home 6pm on Saturdays and come back before 6pm on Sundays.

You must have a kind heart towards children and be ready to travel overseas with the Family.

GRADUATES ONLY...

Dm.

*His thread was bombarded immediately. 😃. Here are some of the responses...*
👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼

@+234 809 371 2593: I have a MSC in cleaning and utility management studies with a PhD in child care, toy symbiosis and poo extraction.
I have over 25 years wealth of experience including an industrial training experience with my iya agba Nilu oyo. I'm equally fluent in nursery rhyme language.

@+234 803 403 0844: I was born to be a house help . From my first generation to the last to come .

@+234 802 400 7476 : 450k? Home on Saturdays? Which home? I'm a monkey, Banana Island is my home. 😂😂

@+234 806 212 8811: My ancestors have all been house help and I can’t wait to carry on the family business . When can I resume?

@+234 806 613 0377: Being a house help has been my childhood dream. Give me the chance to actualize my dream sir.
Kindly open your DM sir.

@+234 803 885 1716: For 450k a month? Which home will I be going on Saturday?? We die there!

@+233 24 215 2642: I have PhD in childcare business. Can I start today? As in now? Please tell them I’m ready to disown home. We die there o.

@+233 54 342 9434: All these rich folks will use every opportunity to insult graduates smh, Where do i apply sha
@+234 703 253 0073: Hello sir my name is house and my friends call me help. I’m ready and fully fit for the job. helping has always been my passion and my hobbies are washing,cooking,cleaning going to the market carrying children. How about 350k and I don’t have to leave the house.

@+234 703 783 0850: I Dey banana island junction already with my certificate and all the necessary things I need to start work immediately. Cheers

@+234 809 747 8004: Bro I can do anything type of work you give me

Mop the roof?
Iron the gas?
Hang the plates?

Anything you need sir I’m here

: I am 20 years old but i have 30 years experience in house help job. In case you are wondering how i got my experience, when i was in heaven i used to help the angels mop.

🤣🤣🤣

29/01/2022

28/01/2022

*Please you need to read this...I am recommending it for everyone to read

In case you do not know what Monkey Business is all about; Now read this:

A lot of monkeys lived near a village.

One day a merchant came to the village to buy the monkeys.

He announced that he would buy the monkeys for £100 each.

The villagers thought he was mad.

They thought how can somebody buy stray monkeys for £100 each?

Still, some people caught a few monkeys and gave them to the merchant and he gave them £100 for each monkey.

This news spread like wildfire and more people caught more monkeys to sell to the merchant.

After a few days, the merchant announced that he would buy monkeys for £200 each.

Even the lazy villagers now ran around to catch the remaining monkeys and sold them for £200 each.

Then the merchant announced that he will buy monkeys for £500 each.

The villagers started to lose sleep! They caught six or seven monkeys, which was all that was left, and got £500 for each one.

The villagers were waiting anxiously for the next announcement.

Then the merchant said he was going home for a week and when he returned he would buy monkeys for £1,000 each.

He asked his employee to take care of the monkeys he bought.

The merchant went home and the villagers were very sad as there were no more monkeys left for them to sell at £1,000 each.

Then the employee told them he will secretly sell them monkeys for £700 each.

This news spread like wildfire. Since the merchant will buy monkeys for £1,000 each, there is a £300 profit for each monkey.

The next day the villagers made a queue near the monkey cage.

The employee sold all the monkeys for £700 each. The rich bought monkeys in big lots. The poor borrowed money from money lenders and also bought monkeys.

The villagers took care of the monkeys and waited for the merchant to return.

But nobody came.
They ran to the employee, but he had already left too.

The villagers then realised that they had bought the valueless stray monkeys for £700 each and were unable to sell them.

Beware of Monkey Businesses

*Real Businesses are always based on Real Products and Services; any profit that comes cheap has a question mark. For instance, invest today and get in 30days. You will get the first month, second month, with the urge to make more money, you invest both the interest and principal into the 3rd month. That's when they vacate.*

No more monkeys business this year....

Some are coming in the form of network marketing etc etc....beware!

Nice and sweet promises are calculated for u which look wonderful on paper but a mirage in reality.

invest wisely

Again never engaged in any form of Monkey Business in "2022". COPIED

27/01/2022

What a wicked world we are living in 😭😭😭

SAD NEWS!!! Mrs. FOLAKE Doasunmu travelled out on official duties. She was expected to spend 5 days but as fate would have it, the programme only took 3 days. Since she could not reach her husband because of phone issues, she decided to return home unannounced.
At home, her children told her that their father had a female visitor the moment she left and that the lady has been with them since then. She was already infuriated.
Learning the lady was in the visitor's room, she peepped: lo and behold, the lady was there; even putting on her wrapper. She quietly went to the kitchen and boiled water in her very big kettle.
As the water was boiling, her husband drove in. He went straight to the visitor's room calling out: 'my love, I'm home.' Unknown to him, his wife was home. My friend was even more angered when she heard that and said to herself 'today, God must receive 2 visitors.' She took the hot water and ... She took the hot water and made garri for three (husband, herself and her mother in-law).

I know you like stories, especially ones that touch. Lookatew!
Go and eat the eba with them.
That is the end of my story ... 🏃 🏃 🏃 Moral of my story: Stop expecting bad news and let's control our anger....
Thank you🥺🥺🥺

26/01/2022

TEMPTATION DOES NOT KNOW OLD AGE JOOOOOOOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃

25/01/2022

A real Man will always stand by his wife even if she mistakenly got pregnant by another Man 🙄🤪🤪🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃

25/01/2022

AUTHORITY OF POVERTY ASSIGNED TO OVERCOME ME AND YOU, WE OVERCOME THEM IN JESUS NAME, AMEN.

11/01/2022

Eating with your father or mother is very stressful.
You go dey just dey shift meat with respect🙄🙄 Na waooo

11/12/2021

Special gifts to all my fans, but most special to anyone that will guess what's inside , let's go

10/12/2021

My Landlord is looking for one of his Christmas chicken since yesterday.

Waiting come concern me kwanu🤸‍♀️🤸‍♀️🤪🤪
D worst part of it is that d chicken is not even sweet at all🤸‍♀️🤸‍♀️🤸‍♀️💃💃🤪

10/12/2021

Iwu ogbeowele igbuzo Delta state of Nigeria is on fire now . My culture my pride

20/10/2021

Yes , me in plenty and in little . God be praised.

25/08/2021

Live entertainment at a wedding.