20/02/2023
𝙋𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙤𝙛𝙩𝙚𝙣 𝙖𝙨𝙠 𝙢𝙚, 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙢𝙮 𝙜𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙛 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙚𝙣𝙙?
The answer is yes, but it will most likely change you forever, and it’s going to take time. I know that’s the last thing you want to hear, but it’s the truth.
Losing someone you care about changes you fundamentally. It changes your outlook on the world; your thoughts about how it ‘should’ work.
However, if you want to help yourself along that path, here are 𝟒 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐟 that my clients tell me they find hugely helpful.
1. When we lose someone we truly love, it shatters the world as we know it and, as much as we don’t want to hear it, it takes time to rebuild a new life story. In essence, that’s what grieving is about – adapting your life story to include this terrible occurrence and addressing the stressors involved in learning to live without that person here.
2. When clients ask us why it takes so long, we find it helpful to pose a different question to the bereaved: 𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐢𝐭 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞? This helps them understand why grieving cannot be rushed. Love and secure connection take time. Humans are social beings, wired to connect, but having those attachments severed hurts us to our very core, and dismantling that complex web of all the ways we relied on them, and loved them, naturally takes time.
3. The good news is that you don’t have to go at your grieving constantly: contemporary grief theory says it’s okay to ‘oscillate’ between facing our grief head on, and drawing back to take a break from the pain and anguish of our loss. That’s not denial, but actually a healthy approach to loss. Dip your toe in the water – sometimes you can go all in, at other times, just a quick dip is quite enough. This too changes over time. Be kind to yourself. Don’t be pressured by other people’s timelines; go at your own pace.
4. You don’t have to sever your connection with the dead, move on and leave them behind completely; if anything, grieving is about learning to love them in separation. Find ways to keep them present in your world; to honour them and hold them close, while still allowing you to function out there, and slowly grow used to doing it without them.
There’s no time line for grieving. As much as we’d like it to be over in a few weeks, months or even a year, grief works at its own pace. Be patient and don’t compare yourself to others.
P.S. We cover this in depth in my new course 𝘈 𝘉𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘞𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘎𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦, giving you the tools and confidence to grieve in your own way, in your own time. Find out more about our February Course: https://maven.com/coping-with-loss/a-better-way-to-grieve/