03/01/2024
Came to finally see the spinal specialist. Got there just before 10. Appointment is 1015. I got into my room at like12. I still hadn’t been seen till close to 1. My back is in fire from these stupid hard ass chairs they have. No real cushion.
They have a coffee machine, no vending, no waters not ice, no food.
My anxiety has been at like a 30 out of 10 lately. If you been reading my post you know what’s going on isn’t just a roof the mill circumstances and injury. I’m fr dying inside holding back my a full blown Hoover damn cry sesh at the doctors (again🙄🤦♀️). My medical PTSD isn’t just an irrational fear bro. I’m not just like living with a phobia of drs. I’m living with life altering medical trauma.
Didn't bring my anxiety meds cuz I was told this was less than an hour meeting to go over the MRI from last week.
Once the specialist finally came in the room, this guy…..
This dude was cut throat with me. On the verge of being rude.
I know damn well he don’t fu***ng wana give me a decent level of care because I have addiction in my history.. I know that because he refused to do steroids, told me if I’m a cry baby like I am right now he won’t do the surgery.
Literally calling me a cry baby because when was asked certain questions it can be very over whelming and overstimulating. I had tears In my eyes at this point. Not even crying.
He says I’ve lost TWO discs I’m bone one bone and he will do a fusion. I said that is what I DONT want to do. And tried to get it out that Id like to talk options not be forced down a drain pipe.
LISTEN YALL.. I have been researching for the entirety of probably 25 years. My mother hurt her back when I was 11. It completely diminished our family’s life. It’s pretty common knowfor those who do know me, I got my degrees IN NATURAL HEALING BECAUSE I wanted to find ways to help my mom. Unfortunately she was a victim of the over prescribed by my pain management system at the beginning of the opioid epidemic THAT GREEDY KNOCKOFF TRUST FUND DOCTORS CREATED OUT OF GREED.
There is way more we can do than FUSE NOT TWO BUT FOUR discs.. I’ve seen and hear the horrors of so many personal friends and family let alone the statistics. I ALREADY have a horrible quality of life I don’t need to be bed ridden by 47.
He asked me what kind of job I am in. I said bartending usually, because with my back pain……. Interrupted by this guy in the most disgustingly judgmental way “what’s with your necklace,” waves his hands all around pointing with a disgust look on his face,”why snakes and what.. what is that, a pentagram?” Que furrowed old man brow. I just simply said 🤷♀️I’m religious.
This fu***ng guy says are you a witch? I just looked to the nurse, confused and uncomfortable even more than I already was.
I took my deeeeeo breath in, and say some would say so…. He interrupted AGAIN, and is absolutely irritated, says this is getting way to off topic now…
I was like I was ANSWERING a medical question and you
Interrupted AGAIN WITH A HAND WAVE AND JUST JUST GET BACK TO THE QUESTION…
I asked which question I don’t even reheat the MEDICALLY NECESSARY FU***NG QUESTION IS AT THIS FU***NG POINT.
We get back on track and he told me to show him my c section scar. I really do t know wtf was the point. He didn’t go over my MRI, he said my only option is fusion and He’s only going to schedule it if I come in tough and determined.
Mat this point I’m a crying blubbering mess. He thinks I’m some weak as punk as hoe crying like and emotionally stunted baby back bitch.
I wake up and as soon as I’m conscious, i am feeling an average adults pain threshold of above 10. That’s just a normal day.. that’s not an inflamed day. That’s not an aggravated flair up. That’s not a pinched nerve that makes my fully incapable of walking o my own. That’s not a herniated disc or multiple at the same time …. Kinda day. That’s a good day, a walk day, that’s a “I might be able to take a shower not a bath cuz I can’t stand long enough day”, an average 10 is my man I feel so good rn i will never take feeling this good for granted again!
And in every single situation I just mentioned, I’ve lived through over and over and over and over… for 15 years. Guess who still worked 40+hrs a week, created businesses, graduated from college twice in less than two years while working and pregnant.
All while I was maxed out on half the populations level of pain they would accept before being hospitalized and treated.
Let me see this TEMU knock off of the wish knock off of DR HOUSE WANA BE ASS BITCH do that while raising two fu***ng kids, while he keeps his sanity and doesn’t cry when he thought for a split second, I got literally one single pixie glitter sized glimpse of hope that I was finally getting somewhere to FIX me after all this run around I’ve been fired to do all this time.
I asked him if we could discuss short term relief like an injection to help because I am at my absolute very worst it’s ever been and I’m a single mom I need to be able to work….
THIS GUY SAYS
NOPE, I’m. It Doug any of that, the only thing he would do for me till surgery is Tylenol and ibuprofen… I tried to ask more but he walked out like I wasn’t talking.
The nurse came back and was trying to be the same with me and I told her I don’t even think I want to move forward with this at all, what that fu***ng guy just did to me was absolutely gross and I’m not ever gna be here for that kind of care. That’s what got me where I am. She tried to stay on some big headed s**t and I said “I heard yall in the hallway after you shut my door, knowing I opened it intentionally because I was having an anxiety attack “ she said what do you hear I said I don’t even have to do that you know what you said. She said we have multiple patients it could have be… I interrupted “it shouldn’t matter who you were talking about now should it… cuz she knows exactly what I heard.” I’m saying this as I’m in full blown panic attack and crying like it’s my job.
She started asking info and the more s**t she heard about the details of my circumstances this bitch dropped her shoulders, widened her eyes and I seen the exact moment she knew she fu**ed up and had no fu***ng clue who I am, where I been, what I lve been through, and why I’m fu***ng here in the office today. Because a FU***NG PATIENT ISNT A GODDAMN CLIPBOARD Receipt regurgitating a telephone game of issues on a medical record for you to place your nose up to because you had a life afforded to you to feel like you could EVER be better than the next person FOR ANY REASON.
I am not my mistakes. I am not the horrors that have happed to me.
And I am not, never have been, never will allow myself to be made to feel like I am l a sheet of paper for you to toy with or ignore because you lack the wherewithal all to comprehend how a person, with a severe back injury at 18 (no matter the circumstances) could have ended up with a drug or alcohol problem between 2008 - NOW….no empathy, no compassion, no bedside fu***ng respect let alone care… record shows you she’s sought treatment and care multiple times?? but some how is still injured…??? Yeah must be cuz she’s an a loser witch drug addict, she doesn’t deserve to be treated like a human. Watch how much I can torment her so we can laugh it in the hall over starbs and make her wait longer. I bet she feels stupid af now cuz she looked pretty startled like she imagined it if it were HER in my shoes and changed her tune immediately and got me out on my way pretty quickly after that.
It makes me want to run so fast I detach from my skin. It’s been a really really long uphill battle, especially recently because it’s the worst it’s ever been, I was fired from my job that I just got while I was literally at the DRs office getting my ADA compliance packet filled out. My apartment isn’t doing a resign this year for my lease. And I still haven’t got a car.
If I can go through all of this, still smile at others, compliment strangers, help the homeless with a couple bucks happily, open doors every time, keep my judgment of other actions to a minimum, show genuine love and support for people who don’t ever give an ounce back..
And I can still be happy… I know there is a way you can come out on top of your circumstances as well. Everything in this life is your choice of how to perceive it.
