10/12/2023
We all have a story, our " Why"! Why we make the choices we do. Why we move the way we do & connecting to the people we are. Why we leap instead of tippy toe! Today we talked about shame & what might cause people to numb. My past was full of brokenness & shame. Stemming back to my childhood! Think of the "First" time you felt NOT "Enough"! I became a people pleaser, always not speak up & doing what I could to make people happy. I had a good work ethics, was a good listener, put my 1st husband on a pedestal, catered to him, stayed active, made sure the kids where social, went to church, even chose a career in Great Falls instead of excepting the design scholarship I received! I did everything to please those who mattered to me, tell I was again " Not Enough". I met my second husband & tried hard to make him happy. He was it for me!! As a people pleaser, we also try to fix those we love! It wasn't till after we separated I understood the damage his parents had caused! I have never dealt with addiction or mental disorders. I honestly just wanted him to feel safe & loved. Instead as he was breaking, I was trying to put him back together but he was breaking me. Then we broke each other. I fully believe God has a path for me & we both needed to be separated the way we are for us to both learn, to grow, & to move the way that was intended. I'm not share details, I will at some point but this is about understanding "Why"! At some point I needed to decide my story & who I am is 💯 worth everything. I needed to choice to leap, not numb, to understand I can still be kind & caring without giving up myself! My why is because of my past, mostly cause I saw how much trauma effected my husband & realized it had effected me also. My "why" is HIM, & my why is not wanting to see one more person destroyed by their past! Lost, broken, feeling worthless, & in a dark hole, numb! We may not solve the him & me. We may end up never together again but I will forever love him for giving me my "Why" & recognizing who God needs me to be!