Mikayla Dawn Photography

12/06/2022

Lubbock Families!

We have opened up a couple of dates around Christmas where our photographer will come to YOU to get some family photos while your families are gathered this year. 

We know this is a rare time of year when families gather- and we decided to give the opportunity to have some sweet memories made right where you are!

Here is the link to choose your date and time on
12/23 or 12/26!

Great for:
Large or small families, couples, anyone!

Front or back porch photos, dress up or stay in Christmas pjs. We can do as many groupings as you have time for. It’s a great way to capture this holiday season with the people you love! (We can shoot wherever you want (outside/ inside) but keep in mind it might be better for lighting to do outside!)

$250
Click the link below to easily book your slot!

Dawn Photo Co. is a photography + videography team with a reimagined experience serving Lubbock, TX and beyond.

08/02/2022

2️⃣ England⁣.
I can’t begin to thank the friends & strangers who organized and secretly gave to allow this retreat from life’s battle in the first place. Truly, thank you.⁣ I don’t know why God orchestrated this the way he did. But I am changed because of it.⁣
⁣
This story is hard to sum up in 2200 characters or less. Because there’s more than one story at play; The story of my actual experiences & what it was like & all the encounters with the people God wove into it. ⁣But also the story of my inner journey & most importantly, how God used the distance- as a tool to do major gardening in the soil of my marriage. Perhaps saving it.⁣
⁣
Not because of some profound experience I had, or anything 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘥, but because of the opposite. ⁣What I wasn’t able to do, removing me from the equation, & taking me out of the drivers seat of my life for awhile, so he could work.⁣
⁣
Yes, God can accomplish so much 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘶𝘴. But I’ve found, sometimes he accomplishes even more 𝘪𝘯 𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘵𝘦 of us.⁣
⁣
My full story will have to be reserved for my book one day. It’s too deeply important to skimp on. But I will say, it was undeserved mercy.⁣
⁣
Without going into detail, when I left, I basically chucked a hand gr***de & left.⁣ My life was in ruins.⁣
⁣
Heavy burdens of shame, guilt, grief, suicidal thoughts, hurt, confusion & apathy boarded that plane with me. ⁣
⁣
I didn’t lose them all at once, but slowly they began to loosen their grip as I found myself on the English countryside with daffodils decorating the hillsides, dancing in their breeze, begging me to listen.⁣
⁣
“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her.”⁣
- Hosea 2:14⁣
⁣
𝘖𝘬𝘢𝘺 𝘎𝘰𝘥, 𝘐’𝘮 𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨.⁣
⁣
I had a week in England before I had to leave for Scotland, and I relished every minute. ⁣
⁣
It was as if I was in my very own storybook, nestled in a cottage & village that seemed to have been made from the very same substance God formed me from. I couldn’t help but feel like a weepy child in the lap of her father, arms wrapped around, head rested so closely in his chest I could almost hear the 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘯.

08/01/2022

1️⃣It’s been 6 months since my last post. Since I withdrew from the world, & watched my life & world around me collapse in slow motion into dust.⁣
⁣
I have so many chapters I want to share. From this book that seems to be writing me, instead of me writing it.⁣
⁣
I’ve stopped fighting the currents of grief. & Instead I’m finding myself on a raft, riding them out, every so often rolling myself off the ledge & into the waters to learn to swim again.⁣
⁣
I figured the best way to share, is slowly. Which I’m not used to. Normally I want to cram everything into one well composed post when my heart is bursting at the seams. But not this time. Slow & steady.⁣
⁣
It’s good to be “back”, whatever that means. Life looks & feels a lot different & being off social for this length of time, was more-so Gods divine intervention, than my own doing.⁣
⁣
But it’s amazing the fog that can lift when you’re just given permission to retreat.⁣
⁣
I thought retreating was a sign of surrender or weakness. I was afraid people would forget Valor, or me, or my family or our pain. Which is why under the pressure of grief & trauma- I just kept showing up. Trying in my own strength to bring purpose to my pain.⁣
⁣
I kept blindly swinging my sword even though I was bleeding out on the battlefield & even wounding people around me.⁣
If you’ve ever seen Monty python- that scene where the knight is having all his limbs cut off & he’s still determined he’s not defeated. With no arms left he says, “it’s just a flesh wound” and keeps at it. Getting more limbs cut off until he’s just a torso with a head lying on the ground..yeah, that was me.😂⁣
⁣
I’ve learned since then, retreating is actually a wise tactic. When the enemy is gaining too much ground & the carnage & injuries are becoming all too overwhelming & your conquering looks inevitable; to retreat is to pull back from enemy lines, gain a new vantage point, & tend to the wounds & injuries you’ve sustained.⁣
⁣
That brings me to where I left all of you months ago…⁣
I was silently begging for an escape. A reprieve.⁣ & in Gods mercy, somehow He deemed it would begin across the world, in a small village, on the English countryside…⁣
(To be continued..)⁣

02/12/2022

⁣ I have seen dark & it knows my name.⁣
I have known it’s suffocation & saturation.
I became a byproduct of divorce at 11.⁣
I have had my heart ripped out and stomped on with steel toed boots.⁣
I’ve been told to get in the dark and stay there, where I belong. Been drug by hair and locked in a lightless bedroom.⁣
I’ve seen the inside of the juvenile detention center. Twice. ⁣
Felt betrayal s***f out the small flame I thought was mine to keep
inside my small frame.⁣
I’ve lie half dead in a hospital, abandoned by the ones who put me there.⁣
Slipping in and out of existence.⁣
Spent months hearing the beeping of a heart monitor who’s rythym convinced me I was dying, only to find out it’s worse-⁣
Just my bodies response to the trauma and theres no way out like death would have provided.⁣
Watched a best friend die in a car I should have been in.
My innocence was stolen- ⁣no, ripped from me at 14.⁣
The trauma buried deep within my brains makeup.⁣
I accepted the chains I thought I deserved for 3 years of my youth. ⁣
I sought love and identity under sheets of promiscuity. ⁣
At 16 a poppy seed was sewn in the garden of my womb, and at the time, it felt like a prison sentence.⁣
But, she would give birth to freedom. ⁣
She would grow a story of messy redemption. ⁣
The road of giving up everything ⁣
To gain everything, in the form of coming home from school to bottle feed a helpless flower named Emagen.⁣
I army crawled my way out of the inadequacy that was tattooed on my forehead.⁣
I learned to stand, limp, walk, and then run, toward a new future. ⁣
I fell so many times again. ⁣
Accumulating scars of guilt & shame.⁣
I found broken love⁣
I brokenly learned to ⁣
brokenly love and ⁣
be brokenly loved. ⁣
We painted on the canvas handed to us. ⁣
Hell bound determined not to use the same colors as our eyes were accustomed to.⁣
I sat in the cool of the evening with bloodied blistered hands, trying to learn the art of gardening that was never passed down to me. ⁣
I planted seeds. ⁣
A morning glory named Natalie.⁣
A marigold named Beckham. ⁣
Two, who’s buds never broke through the surface.⁣
And then Valor, a marigold.⁣
Who was ripped from the soil of my heart.⁣
And so, I am staring blank face in to the ⁣
Vacuum seal void I’ve seen so many times before.⁣
Because⁣
I’ve seen dark. ⁣
And it knows my name.⁣
Some dark I’m not ready to name. ⁣
Your mind is a scary place to be when all you see is dark.⁣
Wishing that your life was just a jacket made of flesh you could take off and hang up on the hook⁣
In your foyer where you used to hang a diaper bag.⁣
Wishing you could shed the very essence of you.⁣
Wishing that the Light…⁣
He would just take you too.⁣
Pluck you from the garden.⁣
Harvest you in His warmth ⁣
and end all this dark.

02/10/2022

Tbh, I’m not doing good today.⁣
This is where I come to process. ⁣
⁣
I don’t know why it feels better to have eyes on my words, rather than leaving them hidden on paper. ⁣
⁣
I found this photo on my phone that was sent to me but I had never seen it. I only had him for 5 more days after this photo. That was it. Then he was gone. ⁣
⁣
I don’t know why it instantly stung. ⁣
As if driving the nail in further- that there are only a limited number of images & videos of him in the world, & once I’ve seen them all, that’s it. ⁣
I’ll never discover any new pieces of him. ⁣
That’s all there is. ⁣
-⁣
I’m sick of this.⁣
I hate that my identity is enveloped in this. ⁣
I don’t want this. ⁣
I love talking about Valor. ⁣
But today I’m sick that this is all I have to talk about. ⁣
⁣
It’s like wondering if, when more time has passed, if anyone will remember who I was without this.⁣
Will I always be “that girl who’s baby died?”⁣
⁣
Someone messaged me the other day and said they had no idea I had a sense of humor until I posted a funny reel. ⁣
⁣
But I do. I remember I used to have the best sense of humor. I used to laugh. A lot. I used to make people laugh. ⁣
⁣
I used to be known for my humor. My zest for life. My entrepreneurship. My home renovation. ⁣
⁣
I’ve said I feel like a shell of myself.⁣
But a shell is too pretty of a word.⁣
More like a dead rotting carcass of myself. ⁣
⁣
Do I carry any weight or purpose outside of this?⁣
⁣
They say you can lose yourself in motherhood. Which I did, many times. But no one ever talks about losing yourself in losing them, if you do.⁣
⁣
Everyday I wake up &want to do nothing but focus on my child, because it’s the only thing that makes this veil keep feeling thin, between him & I…⁣
then I become instantly enraged because…⁣
you know what? No. ⁣
I actually don’t want to have to do this every f******* day for the rest of my life because it’s f****** exhausting & I miss enjoying life and not merely existing.⁣
⁣
Then the guilt from feeling that hits me like a semi, & once again, runs over my dead carcass roadkill of a self. ⁣
⁣
So I pull the covers back over my head. Because being me. Being 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘤𝘬 in being me, makes it far too hard to be awake.

01/24/2022

It’s been four months.⁣
Four months of walking with this child loss limp.⁣
In many ways, I feel like an amputee.⁣
No, I haven’t died from my injury sustained.⁣
Although some days I feel I’d rather…⁣
But everyday, in ever way, I’m reminded of my new life.⁣
This new life, this new me… I’d give anything to trade for the old.⁣
But I’m learning to walk. ⁣
⁣
It really is an act of faith.⁣
Everyday, choosing to walk by faith and not by sight. ⁣
Because if I look down,⁣
all I see is the missing limb. ⁣
⁣
Somehow through my clouded vision, I’m beginning to see.⁣
Through the emptying of my life, ⁣
the cup, ⁣
the one I begged to pass from me, ⁣
but didn’t. ⁣
I drank it instead, knowing it was mine. ⁣
I emptied it, and it emptied me.⁣
⁣
And slowly, oh so slowly,⁣
I’m learning. ⁣
How to truly be fulfilled. ⁣
And where to get my sustenance from.⁣
⁣
How to live and how to die 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭.⁣
⁣
Aren’t we all dying? ⁣
Headed to the grave either way?⁣
⁣
So how can I take this severed limb, ⁣
and this time I have left…⁣
And embrace far more, ⁣
run much further, ⁣
than I ever could have with two?

01/13/2022

I hope so badly,⁣
That when I see you again.⁣
You smell the same.⁣
But magnified by the infinite.⁣
⁣
I hope you feel as soft as you did.⁣
And that I can put the weight of you on my chest. ⁣
⁣
I hope that these longings⁣
Only a mother knows,⁣
That God himself wove,⁣
Are somehow more than fulfilled.⁣
⁣
That they don’t fall short⁣
Even an inch of what it would have been.⁣
⁣
To raise you here. ⁣
To hold your hand.⁣
To wipe your face.⁣
To clean your boo boos.⁣
To steady your walk. ⁣
To tickle your tummy.⁣
To kiss your toes. ⁣
To relish your giggle.⁣
⁣
Surely if this is only a foreshadow⁣
Of what’s to come,⁣
Then all of these things, ⁣
In their purest form,⁣
Are waiting for me there. ⁣
⁣
Surely we can pick up where we left off.⁣
⁣
And this time, without separation.⁣
This time, without the confinement ⁣
𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦.⁣
⁣
Without the greatest enemy to us all.⁣
𝘞𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩.

01/09/2022

I know I’ve talked a lot about the butterflies, but the hummingbird sittings have been more infrequent. So I didn’t think much of them…until now. ⁣
A few weeks after the funeral, I saw one on my side yard. A few days later, one in my front yard. ⁣
They may be common around here, but I’ve genuinely never ever seen one in person, much less at my house. ⁣
They are surprisingly small. ⁣
After those sightings, I had a few dreams about them. None repeating, they would just be in my dreams. Hovering.⁣
A few days before my family and I left for our first trip without Val to Ruidoso, we were watching Dont Look Up. There was a short scene with a vivid hummingbird flying in slow motion as it dipped its beak in a flower. ⁣
It kind of took my breath away. The day before we left for Ruidoso, I had a dream I was getting a tattoo. I was telling the artist what I wanted, listing all these things, when Justice looked at me and said “oh don’t forget the hummingbird.”⁣
⁣
The next morning we awoke and headed out for our family sabbatical. I journaled on the way, praying over our trip. Knowing how badly we needed this change of scenery and how badly we needed the sacred time together as a family, just the…. 5 of us. (That was so painful to write.)⁣
⁣
We arrived in Ruidoso and immediately headed to the store to stock up on things we’d need at the cabin our wonderful friend was lending us for the next few days. ⁣
I dreamt of being snuggled by a fire, phones locked away, playing games, talking, laughing. Journaling with coffee in the morning by a window. Reading my Bible and soaking in Gods presence.⁣
⁣
Ruidoso is where Justice proposed to me in the summer of 2013. So it the location alone holds a really special place in my heart.⁣
⁣
After the store, we headed up the mountain. On the way up, on the left hand side of the road, a wooden sign caught my eye. It was a hand crafted sign displaying none other than a hummingbird. ⁣
I shed a tear and smiled as I felt like it was a God wink telling me that what awaited us on that mountain was good. ⁣
⁣
We got all but 1 minute away, when the last winding road to the top, turned from pavement covered
(cont in comments)

12/23/2021

I don’t know how I knew.⁣
The morning of, ⁣
I was on ‘s Instagram. ⁣
I had also visited another moms page who suddenly lost her son. ⁣
That day.⁣
That.Day.⁣
⁣
I held you weeks before, ⁣
in the dark, nursing you,⁣
as tears silently fell on your face in the dark as you slept.⁣
I cried aloud ⁣
“please don’t take him from me. Please don’t take him”⁣
I can’t explain how from the moment you were conceived, ⁣
to the time you left, ⁣
that I knew.⁣
⁣
Call it coincidence.⁣
Call it mothers intuition.⁣
Call it lying. ⁣
⁣
But I knew. ⁣
⁣
I named you, ⁣
& in the pit of my belly, I knew.⁣
Your name called 𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦,⁣
Not me 𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘪𝘵.⁣
⁣
𝘝𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘳.⁣
Valor.⁣
⁣
Several people,⁣
I made contact with,⁣
& was drawn to,⁣
Prayed for.⁣
⁣
Weeks, months & years before.⁣
⁣
With no explanation.⁣
Who were they?⁣
Child-loss parents.⁣
It’s like I always knew…⁣
That they were made ⁣
of the same stuff I was.⁣
⁣
I don’t know how I knew.⁣
I prayed prayers,⁣
Wrote them down.⁣
With ink and pen.⁣
Prayers I’ve never prayed over any of these children. ⁣
None but you.⁣
⁣
People who know me best,⁣
They can attest. ⁣
Through conception,⁣
To your birth,⁣
Through your life,⁣
I knew. ⁣
⁣
I will never understand,⁣
How you, Oh God, ⁣
prepare us 𝘧𝘰𝘳⁣
But don’t save us 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮.⁣
⁣
I can see 𝘩𝘰𝘸,⁣
But I don’t know 𝘸𝘩𝘺.⁣
Suffering is your form of art.⁣
How we are your canvas, ⁣
Your clay.⁣
Your beloved, you say.⁣
⁣
And we are torn, and ripped and stained and torched and crumbled.⁣
And somehow, at the end,⁣
We resemble more of you, who is perfect.⁣
And we never were.⁣
⁣
We are cracked & broken⁣
& somehow eminate light,⁣
Like a glow stick.⁣
⁣
We are crushed & ground ⁣
& somehow produce flavor⁣
Like salt.⁣
⁣
These are your ways.⁣
We do not understand them.⁣
Because we are lowly, & human.⁣
⁣
& yet, you humbled yourself,⁣
To enter into our realm,⁣
& ground yourself down ⁣
To a language we understand.⁣
To paint a story in words we can read.⁣
⁣
A debt⁣
A mother⁣
A baby⁣
A death⁣
A redemption⁣
⁣
An epic we long to be a part of.⁣
& you wrote us into play, ⁣
where we are both once the damsel & then the knight.⁣
⁣
Oh hallelujah ⁣
Our life matters⁣
Because you saved us.⁣
& made it so.

12/11/2021

12.10.2021: Twenty nine trips around the sun.
It’s hard to believe all that’s been shoved into a small container on this shelf labeled
“My life.”
Yesterday, memories showed up of past birthdays. I saw some childhood photos of myself.
It’s hard to look at her.
I don’t know her but she feels familiar.
I pity her.
So blissfully unaware.
So much life in her eyes, so much fire.
She’s loud.
She’s “a lot.”
She’s rough around the edges with a raspy voice.
She’s got a lot of life in those eyes.
A spark.
She felt a lot of purpose.
I wish I could go back and hug her.
Hold her hand.
Tell her to turn around, run,
there’s a cliff up ahead.

Happy birthday, kid.
Your story is going to be a painful one.
A shattered one.
Sometimes by your own doing,
Sometimes not.
Hold on.
That spark was always there
To catch fire
And burn who you thought you were
To the ground.
And leave fertile ground
F o r y o u r s o u l.

12/01/2021

The sun rose again this morning.⁣
The light pours in and I tell my eyelashes to move up and down.⁣
I fill my lungs with air, but it’s out of instinct, not because I want to.⁣
I’m eroding.⁣
I’ve always been resilient. ⁣
“A fighter, overcomer” as they’ve called me.⁣
I can claw my way out of most anything.⁣
This time is different.⁣
I can’t claw my way out of this one. ⁣
This one is a room with a locked door,
and melancholia has found me.⁣
So I sit with her,⁣
And she becomes me.⁣
I still smile, sometimes even laugh.⁣
Surprisingly, muscle memory doesn’t diminish⁣
Even in grief.⁣
There’s still a small sound inside me⁣
She has the faintest of voice. ⁣
A small girls whisper.⁣
She says “get up. Get back to work. How will you provide? How will you make it? What will you do now? Who will you be?”⁣
My apathy drowns her out. ⁣
I’m eroding.⁣
Like a once confident rock, who’s never met the force of water.⁣
And I am no match for this gorge.

11/29/2021

The creation of a pearl. ⁣
⁣
Only 1 in 10,000 wild oysters will produce a pearl.⁣
Mollusks are literally by nature and design, trying to keep what allows the birth of a pearl- out.⁣
If by chance a foreign irritant enters the oyster, as a defense mechanism, the oyster secretes a fluid to coat the irritant. Layer upon layer of this is deposited until a pearl is formed. ⁣
⁣
It’s not by the oysters own doing, that one of the most valuable, precious, natural gems is created. In fact, by nature they are trying to keep FROM creating a pearl. ⁣
⁣
In order to harvest it, you must open the mollusk, therefore killing it, to retrieve the pearl. ⁣
⁣
The rarity and process of this, makes me think of the rarity of true Christianity. ⁣
⁣
The people who think they themselves can choose God, within their free will, are forgetting the story of the pearl. ⁣
⁣
Our very nature and design, is to reject and keep Him out. ⁣
⁣
But when the gospel enters, as the foreign irritant that it is, only then can our souls pearl take shape.⁣
⁣
I know a lot of people (especially here in the Bible Belt) like to walk around flaunting their Christianity card, waving it around as if their punch card for church attendance is what God is going to check while standing before Him one day. ⁣
⁣
But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. (Matthew 7:14)⁣
⁣
If we are one of His, one day, when our outer, hideous shell is cracked open, and death meets us, there, our precious pearl will be revealed. ⁣
⁣
And that pearl will not exist because we created it.⁣
It will be there in spite of us trying not to. ⁣
⁣
All of nature, sings the truth. ⁣
We are the ones that suppress it.⁣
⁣
- The wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. ⁣
⁣
What can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. ⁣
⁣
His invisible attributes, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in all things that have been made. -⁣
Romans 1:18-20⁣

11/25/2021

In the driest of lands,⁣
In the deepest of grief,⁣
In the valley of pain,⁣
Can we still find relief?⁣
⁣
In the dark of the night,⁣
In the wake of our loss,⁣
In the newness of wounds,⁣
Can we see your emboss?⁣
⁣
In the shadow of grace,⁣
In the cradle of you,⁣
In our non understanding,⁣
Does truth still ring true?⁣
⁣
Can you handle our questions?⁣
Can you carry our doubt? ⁣
Can your infinite knowledge,⁣
Cast all our fears out?⁣
⁣
In the future of death,⁣
In the story untold,⁣
In my life and what follows,⁣
Oh my soul, will you hold?⁣
⁣
I do not hold the stars.
I do not tilt the earth.
I do not have the power.
Over death and of birth. ⁣
⁣
I do not weigh the infinite⁣.
I do not hold the key.
I do not know the hour.⁣
That will end all of me⁣.
⁣
You withhold the waters⁣.
You stretch out your hand.⁣
You hold all of our lives⁣,
As though they were sand⁣.
⁣
So I trust that you know.
So I trust you now still.
So I trust that this too⁣
Is within sovereign will. ⁣
⁣
Maybe not in this life,
Maybe not in my time,⁣
Maybe not as I see ⁣
In my finite-filled mind ⁣
⁣
Command my soul to rise⁣.
Command my pride be seated.⁣
Command my flesh be silent.⁣
My sorrows been defeated.

11/24/2021

It’s been two months, Valor.⁣
And I’m still gasping for air. ⁣
⁣
That day plays over and over and over again in my mind. ⁣
Over. And over. ⁣
And over.⁣
And over.⁣
⁣
I still don’t know who I am.⁣
I move like molasses through my days.⁣
I still search for you in my dreams.⁣
I long for you.⁣
Breathing still hurts.⁣
⁣
“I miss you” doesn’t seem adequate enough.⁣
“You are missing from me”, is what I really mean.⁣
⁣
I know if I had direct line straight to you, ⁣
And God allowed you to make the choice,⁣
You’d stay right where you are. ⁣

I know you exist in a place where impatience does not, so I’m not even sure if missing me for you, is possible. ⁣
No, I’m quite certain you are fully satisfied.⁣
I so wonder what that’s like, to not be chained to this body that always thirsts.⁣
⁣
I still fear the transition of death, ⁣
It’s a holy feeling. ⁣
Both an awe, and dread.⁣
Wonder and terror at an uncharted territory that someday I must trek alone. ⁣
⁣
Panic attacks have daily resurfaced for me.⁣
They tell me it’s normal. ⁣
⁣
I see sorrow and grief, seeping into every crack of my life. ⁣
Its disintegrating me. ⁣
⁣
Like the chrysalis of a butterfly. ⁣
⁣
I read that when a caterpillar goes through its’ process, it essentially dies. ⁣
If you were to slice open the cocoon midway through it’s metamorphosis, what you would find is not some half caterpillar half butterfly type creature. ⁣
You would find liquid. It’s old self completely destroyed.⁣
⁣
I wonder if it’s painful for them, like it is for us.⁣
It takes about 10-14 days for a butterfly metamorphosis, ⁣
⁣
I wonder how long it will take me.

11/09/2021

The workshop would have been today.⁣
⁣
The workshop that I launched, and then tearfully felt God tell me to surrender it- so I canceled. ⁣
⁣
I had been journaling & praying, earnestly asking God why my spirit was uneasy about it. Why I felt like I needed to give it up to him & asked for his guidance in making a decision.⁣
⁣
entry 1| 7/18⁣
“Tell me what to do with my workshop. ⁣
Tell me what purpose you have for me while I’m here on earth. I’m listening.”⁣
⁣
entry 2| 7/22⁣
“I feel like God is telling me to give up my workshop, maybe even business even social media. I am scared b/c I don’t know how I would advertise or what would happen. I have no safety net to fall back on. I just feel like there is so much growth within my spirit and life that he is try I to do. But I must first prune the dead branches that are bearing no fruit first. And by fruit I don’t mean $. I mean joy, peace, love, all the fruits of the spirit. In my business I am unable to bear the Christian fruit both to my husband, children and outwardly to the world.”⁣
⁣
Entry 3| 7/29⁣
“I’m still wrestling with what to do with business. What am I supposed to do God? What is next? What is the dead branch you want me to cut off? What new thing are you working in me? How do you want me to draw nearer to you? Help me understand. My ears are opened, my heart softened. Show me your way, your will. I surrender all to you.⁣
⁣
Entry 4| 8/10⁣
“We leave Florida today. I just sent the text to Taylor (my assistant) about cancelling the workshop. I feel nervous, embarrassed, but also feel peace. I know that I am walking in obedience, so no matter the consequences, I know the Lord has me. I trust him. I am learning to trust him & hear his voice.”⁣
⁣
2 days later, I sent the email out & refunded all the attendees who had purchased tickets.It was a gut punch.⁣
⁣
But now I see.⁣
⁣
In no world after losing Valor, would I be able to stand & teach at a workshop today, had I not listened. & in no world would I be prepared to refund $40,000 to my attendees. ⁣
⁣
God went before me.⁣
⁣
Through embarrassment, confusion, sadness, I surrendered it. ⁣
⁣
He knew and I didn’t. ⁣
𝘖𝘩 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘤𝘺.

11/01/2021

God has brought beauty from brokenness many times in my life.⁣
⁣
One day, when I thought I was going to lose my grip on reality, like my psyche might actually break.I made a list of what I’ve survived.⁣
Trying to remind myself that I could survive this too. ⁣
⁣
Someday I’ll share that list. Maybe in a book.⁣
⁣
But even with that first hand reality, it’s hard to imagine how He will do it now.⁣
⁣
No matter what truth I hold in my heart, words I read on a page, consolation I receive from others… any vision of the future I have is lackluster.⁣
⁣
It feels as though life, if survived, will always be second string to what it could have been, had Valor been willed to live it with us. ⁣
⁣
Like regardless of what comes, it will be a hollow version of what was. ⁣
⁣
Like watered down coffee.⁣
A lukewarm meal.⁣
A favorite book with missing pages.⁣
A colorless photograph. ⁣
A song with no melody.⁣
⁣
Everything now has more meaning, & yet everything feels meaningless.⁣
⁣
It is the greatest tension, a most strange divide, ⁣
the most confusing chasm I have ever felt in all my life. ⁣
⁣
Is the valley of a suffering really the vale of soul-making?⁣
⁣
This feels like the vale of soul-crushing. ⁣
The end of all zest for life, or inexplicable joy, or zeal, or ambition, or laughter, or purpose, or beauty.⁣
This feels like the end…of me.⁣
⁣
& maybe that’s the point.⁣
⁣
I thought I had come to the end of myself many times before. ⁣
⁣
It turns out, there is always more to be surrendered. An inch more to be scorched. A hidden corner more to be sanctified. ⁣
⁣
I don’t think suffering is 𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘰𝘳 sanctification,⁣
But it certainly is used as the 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘧.⁣
⁣
The only solace I find as I’m on my knees, restlessly digging, pulling up earth, searching for meaning, is that God is sovereign.⁣
⁣
& if he is- I must not be suffering for the sake of suffering. Even if I can’t see why on this side of the veil. ⁣
⁣
If we are more eternal beings than temporary, then perhaps he’s already prepared how this will bring glory to His name. ⁣
⁣
& someday, ⁣
when it’s time, ⁣
bring me to glory.⁣
⁣—-
So life is less sweet. ⁣
But death is less bitter. ⁣
Because heaven is more real.

10/29/2021

A journal entry from 8-12-21, 42 days before we lost him. ⁣
⁣
𝘓𝘰𝘳𝘥,⁣
𝘋𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘮𝘦. 𝘎𝘶𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘮𝘦. 𝘚𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘮𝘦. 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦. 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘰 𝘐 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘶𝘱 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶? ⁣
⁣
𝘐 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺 𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘴 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦. 𝘈𝘯𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘩𝘪𝘳𝘢. 𝘈𝘤𝘵𝘴 𝟻. 𝘈 𝘸𝘪𝘧𝘦 & 𝘩𝘶𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘤𝘬 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘢 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘤𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘎𝘰𝘥 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮. ⁣
𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮. ⁣
⁣
𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭. ⁣
⁣
𝘞𝘩𝘰𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘵, 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘑𝘦𝘴𝘶𝘴’ 𝘴𝘢𝘬𝘦- 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵. ⁣
⁣
𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦? 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰? ⁣
⁣
𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘱𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘢 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝘐 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦. ⁣
⁣
𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘤𝘺 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘦. 𝘋𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘱 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘓𝘰𝘳𝘥, 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘶𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘫𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘺. 𝘉𝘦 𝘢 𝘭𝘢𝘮𝘱 𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘵. 𝘏𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘴𝘵. 𝘈𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵. 𝘍𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘷𝘰𝘪𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘦 𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘥𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘭𝘺. ⁣
—⁣
⁣
Im going to be honest. ⁣
If I had known what you would require…⁣
𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘮 you would require surrender of- 42 days later. I wouldn’t have written this. ⁣
⁣
I don’t want to surrender him. ⁣
I don’t want to give him to you. ⁣
And now I’m angry. ⁣
And I know the only road that leads to Valor, is the one where Valor isn’t the goal.⁣
You are. ⁣
And right now I don’t want you. ⁣
I want my son.⁣

10/24/2021

30 days for you in heaven.⁣
30 for us, in hell.⁣
⁣
I was told it’s time to pick out an urn.
We weren’t sure we wanted cremation.⁣
But the first few days are blur, shock and somehow we were signing papers, answering questions, and making decisions. ⁣
⁣
We didn’t know it was done. ⁣
No one called.⁣
No one told us it was happening. ⁣
It just did.⁣
That’s it.⁣
You’re gone.⁣
Like really, really gone now.⁣
⁣
No close family to us had passed yet.⁣
I didn’t know where to bury you.⁣
The thought of having you alone in the earth with no one around you…was agonizing.⁣
⁣
But this is equally so.⁣
⁣
No one should have to make these decisions.⁣
No one should have to think about whether they want to bury their baby or turn them to ash.⁣
⁣
I should be picking out a halloween costume for you, ⁣
not an urn. ⁣
I should be picking out shoes because you’re learning to walk, ⁣
not an urn.⁣
⁣
Valor, oh Valor. ⁣
My baby Val Pal. ⁣
Vally boy. ⁣
⁣
Please give me strength to walk this out. ⁣
⁣
God says he promises to bring beauty from ashes. ⁣
You live with Him now…
Please tell him to hurry.