WhollyMatrimony4U

11/06/2023

I thought my 2023 wedding season was over. (I typically pack up the officiant’s suits and ties after Halloween.) But I just received a request from a groom who’s getting married in a barn near Peoria, Ill., in JANUARY! (Say it with me now: Brrrrrr!)

My first instinct was, “I don’t want to do this.” So I responded with what I thought was an outrageous fee for my services — and he said yes! Have you ever done that, vendors? Then thought to yourself, “Dang, how much more could I have charged before they said no?” 😁

10/07/2023

THESE were among the guests for my wedding today in rural Onarga, IL. It was sunny, but a cool and blustery day. I swear I saw the cows shivering: yeah, there was a milk shake! Believe it or not, this is not the first wedding I’ve conducted with cattle in the side yard, and I rather like it. It can make for a very moooooving experience. (I’m shameless.)

09/23/2023

THIS was the site for one of my recent ceremonies: the Allen County Courthouse in Fort Wayne, Ind. In all my years, this marked my first time ever inside a courthouse. (At least, as an officiant. 🥲) It’s not only a working courthouse, it is also a national historic landmark. Built between 1897 and 1902, it’s considered one of America’s most significant examples of what’s called Beaux-Arts architecture and is listed on the National Register of Historic Places! And yes, I felt special.

Typically a courthouse wedding requires a judge, but the courthouse is rented out on weekends to anyone. Our ceremony was held on the second floor directly in front of the courthouse rotunda. Great backdrop, but the combination of my fear of heights and my animated presentation style had me scared shaftless the entire wedding. Even while I was speaking, I kept thinking, “Keep moving forward…move up…DON’T STEP BACK!” I’m guessing that seeing your officiant fall over the railing in the middle of your vows would be memorable, but might put a damper on your wedding! Glad we made it through, Bonnie and Garic — and congratulations!

09/18/2023

It’s not often that I leave a wedding, a day of pure joy, love and celebration, with a rotten taste in my mouth, but the events of one recent ceremony are still pi***ng me off.

The week of their Forever Day, the groom sends me a text: the mother of the bride has left her husband and run off with her boyfriend FOUR DAYS before the wedding and will not be attending.

Uh…WHAT?

I’m guessing she didn’t just hook up with her boy toy over Labor Day. She couldn’t wait ONE WEEK to break her family apart and not devastate her daughter on the biggest day of her life? I know little of their family dynamics, of course, but that seems intentionally malicious to me.

Plus, I never know what I’ll be walking into when I arrive at a wedding venue, but this news made me especially jittery. Will Mommy Dearest change her mind at the last second and arrive at the wedding with her side piece? Will she come packing heat and try to make it a shotgun wedding?

All praise to God, the wedding came off without a hitch. I thought I was particularly good, in fact. (Nerves, I’m betting.) But suspecting that some of the guests HAD to know about the situation, I made a declaration right off the top. 

“This is a day of celebration,” I told the audience. ”A day of love, the biggest day in this couple’s life. So for the next six hours or so, can we all agree that this day is all about Hector and Hortense? Agreed?”

(The names were changed to protect the innocent.)

It was certainly one of the stranger days I’ve had as a officiant. What about you, fellow wedding vendor vagabonds? What’s the weirdest situation you’ve walked into on a Wedding Day, and how did you respond? 

09/14/2023

Wordle 817 3/6

⬜⬜🟨⬜⬜
🟩🟩⬜⬜🟨
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
How much does it make you laugh when you have to TALK YOURSELF Into guessing the right word? 😂

09/14/2023

My man Don Was has enjoyed an extraordinary musical career, from performer (I STILL play “Spy in the House of Love” at least once a week while walking Motown!) to producer to record executive. Yet he always finds time to remember and celebrate his Detroit roots. And I like that about him! HAPPY BIRTHDAY (Not Birthday) my friend, and may you enjoy many more!

09/07/2023

Taking a huge leap of faith tomorrow: I’ve been invited to join host Nancy Derringer, Joel Sklar, ageless Adolph Mongo and my former Detroit News bandmates Barb Ingalls and Allan Lengel as a guest on “The Week That Was” at 11:30 a.m. Friday on Facebook Live. Now, this is a current affairs talk show, largely focused on Detroit- and Michigan-based issues. I’ve got some homework to do before Friday morning. Hopefully they expect me to be the comedy relief. Prayers appreciated.

09/03/2023

A couple I’m contracted to marry NEXT MAY sent me a “Save the Date” card in the mail today.

What, they thought I’d forget? 😂

09/02/2023

As the deluge of tributes, memories and accolades come flooding in today, I have to wonder if Jimmy Buffett truly realized how beloved and influential he was. That man — and in particular, THAT song — lifted the moods and changed the musical direction of millions. Many hearts are wastin’ away today. Think I’ll hoist a margarita in his honor at 5 o’clock today. Then again, why wait? It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.

08/31/2023

“We’re trying to be this very intentionally Christian place, where we say we want to center ourselves around our Christian mission, but we don’t want to be political,” Scogin said. “I don’t want anyone looking at Hope and saying (it leans left or right). I only want people looking at us saying, 'They’re decidedly Christian.’ When we do that, then we can have a community full of people who lean all different ways politically.

“I don’t think you can truly call yourselves an academic institution if the answer to every question you ask falls predictably on one side of the ideological spectrum.”

— Matt Scogin, president of Hope College (my Alma Mater, where I am proud to serve on its Board of Trustees), quoted Tuesday in The Holland Sentinel newspaper.

08/17/2023

Hey, here’s a novel idea for couples who are experiencing sticker shock as they begin totaling expenses for their ceremony. (Did you know the AVERAGE cost of a wedding in Illinois last year was $35,000+?)The couple I married this week, Kandyce and Devon, actually put a down payment on a venue before they had this brainstorm: instead they rented a huge, posh lakefront AirB&B near Bloomington, IL, big enough to accommodate their closest relatives, and had their ceremony next to the private pool at sunset. Lodging and location, wedding and reception, all in one! Brilliant!

08/16/2023

It’s also five years since Aretha Franklin passed away, and Madonna’s 65th birthday. August 16 is the day the music died…and was born.

08/11/2023

“A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it as long as you like, but it’s not going anywhere.”
— Judge Star Jones, Divorce Court

08/08/2023

Sad day in Tigerland. Although I never thought he was a great radio analyst, he did become a familiar voice for decades and said one thing (incessantly) that I repeat to this day: “It isn’t who you play; it’s when you play ‘em.” I think that’s true of life beyond baseball as well. R.I.P., Jim.

Jim Price, a longtime radio color analyst for the Detroit Tigers, has died at age 81.

07/26/2023

I want to share this recent review of my officiant services with you because it may be the strangest, most questionably positive evaluation I’ve ever received:

“When we first met Jim, he told us his goal was always to have everyone at the wedding think he'd been friends with the couple for years. I wasn't sure how he'd pull that off — but he did exactly that.

“I can't tell you how many people from both sides asked, ‘Where did you guys meet Jimmy? He's great!’ I wish I could explain the shocked looks when we replied, ‘We don't know him from anywhere: we hired him.’

“He somehow made our guests feel as though they'd known him for years as well. Seriously, it makes no sense and I still don't understand it. His presence was calming, yet very upbeat at the same time. Truly a renowned professional, it shows through and through.

“Most weddings, people rave about the cake or the bride's dress. But if you hire Jim, be prepared for him to be the topic of conversation. No exaggeration, your guests will probably be more enamored with him than they are with you. If you want an exciting, entertaining, breath of fresh air to officiate your wedding give Jim a call. We appreciate you, Jim!”

Is this bride suggesting that I upstaged her at her own wedding? Does that sound at all like a left-handed compliment to you? 😂

07/23/2023

I was supremely disappointed with the wedding I officiated this week in Oshkosh, Wisc. Not because the bride pushed back the starting time 30 minutes and still began the outdoor ceremony 45 MINUTES LATE. (CPT is real, people.) No, it was disappointing because one member of the wedding party was having serious trouble mastering the rhythmic “church walk” the bride wanted for her processional. (I’ll let you guess which one.) So much so that we went over the entrance SIX TIMES at the rehearsal. So I broke all protocol and took out my phone to record his entrance at the wedding. And wouldn’t you know it? He nailed the processional! 😲 Which just goes to show: you don’t know what you’re capable of until the pressure is on! (Or when you have 100 Black folks staring at you.)

07/06/2023

This is fascinating…and more than a little frightening.

Don’t make your family an easy target.

07/05/2023

I just realized that 1970 and 2022 are as far apart as 1970 and 1918...I'm just going to need a minute.

07/03/2023

At this stage of my officiant life, it’s an amazing feeling to be delightfully surprised by anything. Last weekend’s wedding was at a venue called “The Barn at Fairview Acres” in Biggsville, Ill., a village near the Iowa border with a population about the size of your Sunday School class. Because the bride and groom elected to hold their rehearsal Saturday morning I didn’t see “The Barn” until the day of the ceremony.

I drove over two hours expecting…well, I didn’t know what to expect. SURPRISE! “The Barn” is a backwoods palace! The silo has been converted into the dressing room for the groom and his men, complete with a big-screen TV and pool table. The main ballroom is massive and majestic and the support team, led by GM Lindsey Higgins, is among the hardest working and most cooperative I’ve ever encountered. I can’t recommend this place highly enough.

The bride was of Nigerian ancestry, meaning some of the guests were setting the cornfields ablaze with their style and color. (And my brothers and sisters in America think THEY know how to rag!) All in all, a big time weekend. Then again, what should I have expected from a place called Biggsville?

06/24/2023

It never ceases to astonish me how, after 16 years and more than 300 weddings as an officiant, I still find myself doing things for the first time. Today, because of the bride’s Native American heritage and pride in her Kiowa and Apache bloodlines, our ceremony took place in front of a teepee! The groom erected it just for the occasion, and the tentpoles are 28 feet high! He must REALLY love her! 😁

Because it was an outdoor wedding in 95° heat, I opted not to tie my necktie until reaching the venue. Mistake: the white shirt I snatched out of my closet wasn’t a dress shirt, and I couldn’t fasten it! Another first. Fortunately, the groom decided to go tieless, too. But wait, here’s the best part: it was so hot that my iPad SHUT ITSELF DOWN in the middle of the ceremony! I had to wing the last half of the wedding, including their vows and ring exchange, completely from memory! Praise to God, I pulled it off. Needless to say, Randy and Brandi (a fine girl; what a good wife she will be), yours is a wedding I shall never, EVER forget! God’s richest blessings to you in the decades to come!

06/16/2023

Two of my favorite people on this planet, Alisa Zee and Mark S. Lee, are joining forces for an interview at 5:40 today on Detroit’s Channel 62, a tribute to the late Detroit media legend Specs Howard as we approach the first Father’s Day without Alisa’s Dad. I am honored to sit on the board with Alisa, Mark and others who are working to produce a documentary on Specs’ extraordinary life and career. At present we’re seeking to increase our grassroots funding; I won’t be able to see the interview (Sindbad’s, 5-7 p.m.), but I’ll betcha Mark and Alisa will let you know how you can help.

06/16/2023

The BeeWee took me out for a very nice birthday dinner last night at The Ribeye in Champaign, a legendary old steakhouse with a University of Illinois sports theme. (They haven’t brainwashed me yet: Go Blue! Go Green! Go Hope!) When we mentioned the reason for our visit, the server arrived after our meal with a caramel sundae — for free! Turning 70 is starting out pretty well! And if you’re in Metro Detroit, the happiness continues tonight from 5-7 pm at Sindbad’s, 100 St. Clair St., for a little walkthrough reception in honor of my recent induction into the Michigan Journalism Hall of Fame. It’s the day after my birthday, but please, no presents; your presence will be gift enough. Hope to see my Motor City peeps, if only for a few minutes. Party on!

06/08/2023

No matter how long I officiate weddings (16 years and counting) I always experience something new. Last Sunday, for example, for the first time ever, I got to change clothes in the spacious solitude of a bridal suite! After putting on and taking off suits in more men’s bathroom stalls than I care to count, because their ceremony had no attendants and they were paying for the room anyway, the groom invited me to use it as my lounge. As my Daddy used to say, this is a special treat!

I almost never do weddings on Sundays (you know, God, day of rest and all that), but when the bride told me that after viewing dozens of officiants online the groom read my profile and exclaimed, ”That’s him! That’s the guy!” how could I resist? (Hey, everybody has an ego!)

And I’m glad I did, because their story was so amazing and unique. They had known each other since high school, as the bride’s baby brother and the groom had been best buds. Her brother passed away; how could either of them dreamed that years later they would fall in love and get married? The bride’s 6-year-old son from a previous marriage gave her away, and because there was no rehearsal it was a fun, freewheeling affair. I will NEVER forget, when the groom had difficulty extracting the rings from their jewelry pouch, he BEAT IT on the table in front of us to shake them loose! May you enjoy happiness beyond all measure, Ryan and Angela!

06/06/2023

Every guest who sat for the reception dinner at Epiphany Farms restaurant in Bloomington, IL, following my Saturday wedding ceremony found this card on their plate. Isn’t it a beautiful sentiment? So nice to work with a classy couple!

05/31/2023

Last week I did something I’ve never done before in 16 years as an officiant: I invited one of my grooms-to-be to dinner for a one-on-one conversation. We met at the amazing Chicago Cut Steakhouse, and because I invited him I said, “Order whatever you like.” BIG mistake: he ordered the largest prime rib on the menu, so huge that he was compelled to take a photo of it! Lesson learned: if I EVER dine with a wedding client in Chi again, it’s hot dogs or pizza! 😂

05/24/2023

Simply the best. 1939-2023.