16/05/2024
It has been a year since one of the most traumatic events of my life occurred.
On May 16th, 2023 the world lost a very hard-working, loving and kind man! This loss rocked a family that not only depended on him, but loved him dearly.
The days and weeks after his death were difficult and are still very hard to put into words as the moments of that afternoon replay often in my head. The doubt, the questions, the what-ifs swirl but the reality is unchanged, Josè is still gone.
Today, as I look back at my post on FB from last year, to anyone and everyone I knew to help me bridge the burden and gaping hole left by his death, leaves me astonished by many things, but 2 stand out to me as the most profound.
First, just a mere two days before his death, I posted on May 14th (Mother’s Day 2023) about how the day was absolute perfection! I enjoyed the day hiking with family and friends and it was truly one of the best days that I enjoyed in the past year, my words weren’t just filler for a post on FB! I have held that Mother’s Day in my heart as a beautiful memory this entire year.
Just 2 days later, while still living on the high from my day with family and friends, I was confronted with one of the most traumatic days of my life that rocked me to my core with grief.
In 2 days, I went from the highest of highs to the depths of a despair I have never known. There was no warning and no way to prepare.
I have wondered about why I was so devastated since I didn't know Josè that well. A reasonable question, and one I have reflected on during this last year. Why am I feeling so much? I have come to understand the profound impact of the moment when I was the one looking in his eyes as I pushed on his chest and watched him slip away. How I sat there on my knees after the medics arrived for what seemed like an eternity praying that they could do what I couldn’t and that feeling of pure desperation is not something I will ever forget. That type of trauma transcends and connects you to a person on an unexplained level. As a result, Josè settles into my mind often and sometimes very unexpectedly, but I have made room for him now and I have a new peace when he randomly permeates my thoughts, and I smile for him.
and give myself some grace as I become distracted from what I should be accomplishing in my day to day and instead learn to sit with my friend Josè until I get the thoughts out. (This post is a perfect example…so much I need to do but I can't focus on that until I get this just right!)
My second reflection of astonishment is about the community that rallied around this family and how much you all accomplished in such a short time. It is truly unreal how quickly so many of you reached out to help both financially and emotionally. Some of you I know so well, while others, only in the world of FB and IG, and yet it didn't matter. When I sent out that agonizing plea for help, you didn't pause, you jumped in and came through for Josè’s family and for me!
Knowing how much that fundraiser post made a difference for his family helps me me find peace when my self-doubt creeps in during quiet moments leaving me wondering if I could have done something different that might have saved him. Your answer to my plea to help brings me a calming peace and I’m so thankful to all of you! Astonishingly, the fund raised over double the initial goal of $10,000. Gratitude pours out if my heart to all of you who reached out and helped Josè’s family. Today take a moment and just smile up at the sky knowing you made a difference.
These are the two screenshots of the posts from my feed showing the polarizing moments of pure joy and elation of May 14, 2023, followed so quickly by the depths of loss and grief on May 16, 2023. A startling juxtaposition forever captured in the chronicle of FB.
Rest In Peace Josè!
