04/09/2022
Amber wrote a speech for yesterday but decided to not read it so she wanted to share.
I’ve rewritten this speech too many times to count. I’m completely terrible at public speaking & have the worst social anxiety out there, in fact I have anxiety about this speech while writing it, before im even speaking it. The thought of this benefit being thrown and put together is such an overwhelming experience for Tyler and I, we are truly so blessed to have an amazing family like we do, who will go to extreme extents to help us in our times of need. I know we’re here today for a fertility treatment benefit, but This speech is going to be about our journey and our son more than it is about fertility treatments
I know our family has updated majority of our sons story on the event page created on Facebook, but there was so much more to it, there was so many strangers that surrounded themselves in my sons diagnoses, every update until his passing. I know there will be a few strangers here tonight, that have only read that a baby boy passed away of heart conditions and that they are raising money for us, for our rainbow baby, but Tyler and I feel we owe more to our story than what was written on Facebook, we somehow feel connected to everyone here tonight that are willing to spend their hard working money on us with some not even knowing us. It shows how truly amazing the people in this world can be.
My name is amber, Tyler is my husband. We have been together for 7 years, we met at giant, we were only 16 & 17, This month on the 28th we will be celebrating 3 years of marriage. 2 of those years were spent on fertility treatments, I have a rare genetic disorder that affects my ability to ever have children naturally. It’s physically impossible. We always knew we wanted children, we always said we wanted 2, we said we wanted a boy & a girl, we wanted the boy to come first so they could have the big brother mentality to our future daughter. It was our dream. marriage, a house, children & of course our dogs. It was always our dream. I began treatments for IVF, it was torture, it was constant stabbing with needles, with the ones in my stomach, with the constant blood work. I hated it. Tyler was hurting watching my pain going through it all but he never once showed me anything but strength. We ended up with 2 embryos, they called us while we were on our honeymoon and told us they didn’t survive, at that time I thought my life was over. The phone call was horrible and I wish I could go back to that pain to compare to how I feel today. My life wasn’t over and I was able to try again We told ourselves. After 2 months of needles and bloodwork we got our miracle boy, our Cason. We couldn’t believe it, we surprised our family with Christmas ornaments that said we were expecting. We went through 2 years of grief and hurt, and jealousy of people around us because we wanted it so badly. we couldn’t believe it was our turn to be happy. I was 20 weeks when Cason was diagnosed with HLHS, PAPVR & IAS. I just remember sitting there with my mom and crying, it was her birthday. She took me to the appointment and she had to watch her daughters world come crashing down. For the next 15 weeks Tyler and I struggled so hard. At first we said we will do whatever it takes to bring him home with us, then it turned into termination, and then one night I was laying in bed and i decided to have a serious talk with my doctor, at that moment no matter how bad we wanted him, how bad we wanted this, I needed to know he would never suffer. My doctor confirmed how his lungs aren’t developing because of the lack of blood flow to his heart. He said he might not even qualify for surgery in general.(which he ended up not qualifying at all because of how bad his lungs and heart developed) He also confirmed the one thing we needed to know, would there be quality of life. What mom would I be if I kept him here just for me. How could I live with myself knowing I could be so selfish. At 23 weeks Tyler and I decided the worst most gut wrenching thing, comfort care, also known as hospice. The next 13 weeks was torture, I didn’t want to feel him anymore, I detached myself, I didn’t look at ultrasounds anymore, I was grieving so hard, everything reminded me that he was going to die. I didn’t know what was worse, having to watch him die or carrying him for 15 weeks knowing that was the end result. At 35 weeks Tyler snd I decided it was time, I was induced and I had an amazing doctor who we connected with so well. I remember as I was pushing, I said to myself please be alive. Please give me just 10 minutes of life. But he gave us more, he gave us 17 & half hours of life, of love, every thing I was feeling for 15 weeks went out the window the second he came out and was put on my stomach. He was 5lbs 6oz, he was 19 inches long and was born on July 1st. He was beautiful, Tyler and I were so obsessed with him, he was so perfect on the outside I couldn’t believe he was so sick on the inside. They told me he wouldn’t be able to cry, he cried, the sweet little cries will forever live inside my head. I was watching my husband cry because he never loved something so much in his life, but also cry because he was so sick. At 8:44pm that night, Tyler was holding him and we saw him decline and watched him pass away. Choosing comfort care for Cason is the least selfish thing we’ve ever done and i would take this pain a million times over again if it meant he would never have to suffer in this lifetime.
I know there’s a few people here tonight who have went through infant loss, I never thought this would me standing here with my husband, and I have to say, if I didn’t have him through this I probably wouldn’t be surviving like I’m somehow doing, an amazing woman told me, that a love you have for your husband after infant loss is a love like no other. Watching him become a father and being completely obsessed with our baby boy during the time we had with him, was probably one of the best things I’ve ever witnessed in this lifetime. It really is truly a love like no other.
I wanted to thank 2 specific people, 2 people who have went through this very same thing but with different stories. My aunt Melinda and my mom. To my aunt Melinda, on the nights I could barely speak, move, eat, sleep, you have all the right words I need to get through that moment. I can’t thank you enough for the support you have given me through this after losing your first born as well. And lastly to my mother who also went through infant loss with who would have been my little sister, you have been there for me every step of this horrible journey that we are in, every appointment, every breakdown, every single thing you have said and done during this time, from making sure I had everything I needed during my pregnancy and even after his passing, to buying us groceries and making sure we ate, because we just couldn’t do ever day life things for a while. You are everything I ever hope I can be as a mother.
To briefly speak on infertility since that’s why we’re all here today, every 1 out of 4 women are affected by infertility. It’s something that’s not talked about enough. I am so grateful for every single person who has reached out to me that felt so comfortable to speak about their infertility issues, and I’m forever an advocate on being the voice that needs to be heard for the silent women who are struggling. With some small advice that I can give compared to what I have already been through, I have to tell you if you are here tonight and struggling with infertility, You’re not dramatic, you’re not alone and your feelings are so valid. I understand the anger, I understand the jealousy, I struggle so hard, I still struggle, it’s so hard to see people get pregnant on accident and I can’t even get pregnant on purpose without spending thousands of dollars and sticking tons and tons of needs in my stomach. I will say this again and I will say it a million times more, no one understands what you’re going through until it happens to them. Imagine sticking yourself constantly in the stomach every day and getting dozens of negative tests while watching everyone around you get pregnant. The jealousy of infertility is truly so real, and i understand the pain.
And to end this speech, I want to thank all our family & friends for being there for us during this time, accepting our silence, accepting our boundaries and just being completely understanding of space during this time to help us try to heal. I want to thank my parents, and step parents as well as Tyler’s parents that emotionally helped us as we continue through our healing process, And lastly thank you to all our family for making the benefit happen & thank you to everyone here today to help us make our rainbow baby become a possibility. We appreciate you all. More than you know. Thank you.
