Diary of Saturn (2024)

23/10/2022

October 10th, 2022

Words are harsh but late-night thoughts are bloody, and sometimes I just wish my brain would stop rambling.
I just wish my lungs would stop pumping, let me sleep peacefully, and start working again on a happy day.
But that happy day never comes because I can't reach it. I'm narrowed down by guilt, fear, and stigma, and every day seems like a step closer to hell.
Everything is so narrow and suffocating, I look to the sky but every cloud brings more sorrow and periods of mourning.
Once again I was too afraid of the clouds, and I didn't speak her language.
I only saw the thorns of my orchid, not the petals or the fruits. They undoubtedly revealed themselves through the ages.

My orchid is one of a kind, and I failed as a gardener.
On lonesome nights I dreamed of holding her hand, but now I know I'll never be her only partner.

23/10/2022

August 20th, 2022

I depicted in my head what I would become when I die. It was a Friday afternoon, I emptied a bottle of whiskey and laid on the floor, holding my legs firmly close to my chest, and cried with my head tucked inside.
As I watched that rope and chair from afar, I asked myself:
What would happen afterwards?
will I be transported to the light?
Or taken to a deeper darkness?
And every now and then my dark passenger comes back with that same rope, and I wonder again.

22/10/2022

January 5th, 2022

I don't know what the future holds, but I know I'm holding myself now.
For when my waxed figure in the mirror faded and I became the void, I lost what made me be. the air I breathed back then was poisonous and immature, it was the air of greed and lust. But now, I will hold my feelings tucked in deep, I won't hurt any other soul. I will become my worst antagonist; the one that helps for the sake of helping and loves for the sake of living and being remembered.
One day, my nephews will grow mature and they will find an uncle worth of the name. And one day, I will be a godfather worth of the name. So for now, I have to be a friend worth the name as well and I have to become a writer 10 times better than you are.

22/10/2022

October 10th 2021, 9:19 PM

I always get stuck at the second page of the diary; The page where you wrote me your heart in words.
Sometimes I wish I never went passed 20 years old. Life was easy when I was a teenager. I wish if my current mind was back then and if my teen's mind was over here, I would have cherished everything I had even more and I would respect myself and others now better.
I'm writing a story, the same I wrote back then. Maybe if I finish, I can maybe forgive myself, and maybe if it sells well I will move on. If I become who I wanted to be maybe you will love me again.

22/10/2022

July 21st to September 17th

This is more of a recap of many discussions and notes and dying messages. I can't tell you everything that I have written so instead I will tell you what I felt through all of that period.

A punch to the gut is what I felt, 3 months after destroying what made me be.
A sudden feeling of losing control after being at your best. And in the blink of an eye, I have transported myself from being the master of my destiny to The Peasant of my foolishness. Sleepless and lifeless became a habit, showcased by my handwriting as it slowly deteriorated.
Like the last crew members of the Titanic I thought about a million ways to solve or to end this. And yes I wanted to kill myself a million times, but it didn't feel right.
the tiniest part in my heart told me that I could fix this, that I can talk my way out but the biggest part of my soul knew that it was doomed.
I knew what would happen there and no matter how many times I rewrite this story, the outcome is always the same.
she will never be with me again.
as far as I keep thinking, salvation and Redemption has been forgotten long ago, but my sleepless nights and the shame I feel is immense, and in a million years it will never vanish.
I need to forgive myself before asking for forgiveness. I know what I've done is a sin and a crime towards what she gave me, but she is the only one I could think of, and I eat my soul everyday for doubting that.
I don't know what I'm going to say, to be honest I have no words and no excuses and nothing anymore, but at this point, I have no more to lose. I lost the one thing that made the man.
I'm worthless and talentless without her and I have no taste to life anymore.
Dear diary, I feel sick of everything. I don't have anybody else to whom I can say this, I lost the flame to write anything. I don't have it in me and maybe I've never had it.
6 months ago I wrote a 90 page long story just to meet a girl for a couple of minutes, now I turn down whatever comes to me because I don't want to write anymore.
I abandoned all of my plans for the 100th time in a row, I don't have it in me to see her and she doesn't need me anymore.

I keep asking questions but the true question is why did she come in my life she could have been with someone else, someone better.

22/10/2022

Tuesday, March 31st 2021, midnight

I met you today, and oh my God what a feeling.
How much I love you is scary. And even though we didn't get enough of each other, I have everything I need to fulfill a lifetime of happiness, and I've never felt anything like that.

My friends were right about something; when I watch the glimmer in your eyes, when I devour you with my eyes and watch carefully your lips and neck, I get driven by the impulses and time flies so fast.
I couldn't leave, I wanted to stay longer, much longer. It's that feeling of craving someone so much that a whole lifetime by her side wouldn't be enough for me. It would never be enough.
"I met her I held her I loved her."
I have issues, and it shows. it shows when I am too careful, when I cannot relax, when I am too suspicious, and when I couldn't cherish the moment that I have been craving so much.
It is the fear of abandonment and the fear of commitment. as I have been there I couldn't embrace my victory, I couldn't feel happy, I couldn't feel in love. I was just afraid, it is still Victory to be here, and it is still Victory too have made this day through.
Thank you.

22/10/2022

Thursday, February 17th 2022, 06:00 am

I couldn't sleep, and like every working day, you feel like sleeping exactly two minutes before your shift.
I decided to go to work, as it's only been a couple of days since I got the job.
Not many people are encouraging me to do so, as my frail and broken abdomen can't really handle the concrete and the handy work. But still I work, not to prove them wrong or anything, as a matter of fact I'll prove them right in a couple of days. I work still, because I have nothing else to do, because this way I'll have better to do than just cry in bed and listen to death metal.
Who knows, maybe this job will bring out the man in me again.
This day meant so much, a couple of months ago. Now the meaning is still there, but there's an extra layer or guilt and self harm to add.
"I don't think you can hear me or see me but still hear me out this time,

Happy birthday, 21 is still very special in its own way. This number marks the departure, your ship is sailing and you're moving away, becoming someone you once dreamed of becoming. It Marks a new chapter in the twenties; The fundamentals are starting to hold positions, your roots are there, they will expand in no time and in the blink of an eye, you are everything you ever wanted. Teenagehood is so distant, now you get bruises but they don't sting the same, now you're colder, you're sharp, you're making it, and that's much greater than what we ever had. Throughout this year you suffered, you laughed, you cried, but you realized, you saw, you've grown so much, and I can see that clearly in the way you write.
I still treasure you deep inside.
Cheers to a greater number."

22/10/2022

Thursday October 20th 2022

I got a new phone, so I'm back to taking notes...obviously.
This moment reminded me when I first got a laptop. It was a Thursday similar to this moment. The first person to see it was you, and it was by then our habit to show each other all the fancy stuff we get.

Today, I feel numb and sad, but it's nothing new.
Every morning, remorse awakens in me and pushes me deeper in bed, but it's nothing new really.
I get up with the sour taste of regret, I can barely move my frail body how heavily intoxicated it is.
I know I'm boring you with my low vibes but I can't help it, smokes burned my senses and liquor blinded me.
But it's how things should be right?
We come to life, we meet people, we break hearts and we move on, eventually I'll get up, go to work, get money and.....build a family?
I haven't really got my head over that yet, I can't even keep a girlfriend, as a matter of fact I can't have one, once it goes deeper than p***y I become an alien.
It wasn't always this way though, I once dreamed of having a wife and a daughter, oh what a dream, but it's been ages since I had that dream...Exactly 2 years ago.
2 years ago, jesus, how the f**k did I stay like this for years, I haven't changed, I'm an imbecile.
I keep chasing an unreachable unreasonable desire. Despite all my fails and mistakes and sins, I keep having faith that we'll run into each other someday, you're 26, I'm 30, we're both boring mature working individuals, you smile and wishe you forgot who I was, I smile and I wanna run away as fast as I can. Eventually I reach for my long forgotten balls and ask you out again, hopefully you ignore how much of an as***le I was and decide to give it a try, and it turns into a "how I met your mother" story.
But it's nothing but a story, one of many I make in my head, one of the many that bails me out of suic i de.
I realized my lies or stories or whatever you want to call them, are the only weapon I have. A sturdy but sharp and poisonous rope thrown to me at the deep pit of hell.

22/10/2022

I take pieces from my diary and read them to you, maybe they'll reach you.

Diary of Saturn

23/10/2022

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