03/06/2024
Success, fame & money isn’t everything. Mostly because it got me a lot of jealousy, envy, harassment and hate daily. But hey recognition and abundance for sure right! Which i’m so thankful for and will never take for granted. Especially the passion for what I do. But my soul has been and is suffering immensely as a result. I hope I’m strong enough to keep going.
Whether it’s for my loved ones, family or my genuine supporters. Because I really am struggling a lot mentally guys. I just hide it really well.
I try my best to be a light for this world and others when I’m on the other end of it. But sometimes it’s so hard.
I just succumb to the negativity and loneliness. The torment of my mind. I get so overwhelmed and anxious. It’s a very daunting feeling. I feel it right now as I type and it sucks so freaking bad.
Times like this I question whether i‘m on the right path or not. And why things are the way they currently are.
But I still deep down strongly believe that there must be a divine reason that I can’t fully see yet, as to why they are this way. But yeah. I really am and have been struggling a lot behind the scenes. So if I have been distant, I do apologise.
It’s not as easy as it used to be to open up on here like the old days, I miss it so much. I’ve lost touch with so many people, my own family and friends, pushed others away.
Even pushing down my own feelings trying to be so strong. It’s so exhausting and I don’t think I deserve to live like that anymore. I don’t think anyone does. And doing that doesn’t help anyone really. Especially those of us with anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder alongside other mental disorders.
To get on with it. To deal with it all by myself. Even when I felt like I was drowning. To not accept help. This isn’t okay. I feel disappointed by the fact that I normalised all of this. Whereas in the past when I had my spiritual awakening, it was like a second nature. Something natural and normal?!
Maybe it’s a mix of a trauma response and societal conditioning that made me put up such strong walls and a tough exterior. Almost like a mask, hence my different persona.
Deep down I have a thirst for spiritual knowledge. A connection to the universe. That I feel stopped me from taking my own life, it’s a miracle i’m still here to be honest. But I made it and so did you whoever is reading this. We are miracles in human form.
I don’t think it’s a weakness to share how we feel. The fact that society deems it so is so messed up. More so to put on a brave face when you’re struggling deep down I think it’s a really backwards thing that people have normalised. Especially the way I have the past few years. Vulnerability is not a weakness and it’s a shame that people around me and my experiences made me felt like it was.
I think to have expressed all of this and share it shows that I somewhat have regained some courage. To accept my feelings, to see this too as as a sacred and important phase of my life.
To not see my struggle and bad mental health states as a weakness. Or that i’ve let myself, my loved ones, my friends down. I want try. To be able to be open up again. Be it here, any other social platform, or with my friends and family. As it’s a huge part of my purpose I feel. Part of it could also do with breaking generational cycles. But f**k. This s**t is so fu***ng hard. And that’s okay.
Im not sure how many of you guys will read all of this but if you did, i’m very grateful! I hope whoever can relate to this has the strength to keep going and to know that they’re not alone. I think we got this. I love you guys. ❤️
