Blog of a basic btch

09/06/2023

For years, I was confused why people would tell me not the blame myself but recently I realised I do blame myself. We are taught to protect ourselves but when in the thick of it, thats not always possible. I blame myself for not being able to protect myself from (C) being abusive, (S) for ra**ng me, (K,L,R) for s*xually assaulting me. I want them to be effected the same way I am, they deserve to have their worlds altered like mine has, maybe I'm a little revengeful but I'm hurting and trying to work the damage done

09/06/2023

I have a lot of what ifs and maybes in regards to my past relationship to (C), what if I tried harder, what if I'd put more effort into my appearance like he asked, maybe he'd have fought for us like I used too, if I'd just given him time, what if I didn't let him get away with things, what if I hadn't cared so much, what if I'd stood up for myself more often, maybe I shouldn't have bothered him so much, maybe I shouldn't have kept taking him. They are just a few, ultimately I still love him, and I always will, but that doesn't mean I want him back, doesn't mean I loved him any less. And it'll never change who he was/is, he was a narcissist and abusive, it would never have stopped him telling me how he hated me, accusing me of cheating, dragging me by ankle from his kitchen to front door, wouldn't have stopped him from screaming at me, telling me I'm incompetent or stupid or that I don't think, or that I was too heavy at just under 10 stone, it wouldn't have changed the fact he'd allow his friends to call me names and be horrible to me, or how he'd belittle me or the crap his own mother gave me, wouldn't have stopped him from leaving repeatedly, or that he's glad I miscarried his child, or that he called me a ho**er for drugs. Nothing can change those thing, at the end of the day, I spent most days suicidal and wanting to self harm not just because of how bad our relationship had become but it was a factor, I spent nights crying myself to sleep while he laid there not caring, telling me to quit it, doesn't change that I felt I was too fat for him, that he hated me, that I wasn't enough, that one night he raised his fist to me and I was the one who spent hours comforting him. Most importantly it wont change that I saw myself marrying him and having a beautiful family but it did change me, no matter how many days I think about him and the what if's or maybe's, I'm better without him, I don't have someone else who is constantly disappointed in me.

09/06/2023

Things seemed to going great for about 6 months, we were both working, making time for each other, he had told me he loved me, I didn't say it back straight away, I even hid in his bathroom after first time together, realising I couldn't just up and walk away. Safe to say I didn't know how to act in a relationship, our mate and him got into a minor motorbike accident and I saw red, I hated how irresponsible our mate had been, I was so worried about (C) and that night I told him I loved him. I admitted I wanted kids, I even went overboard with it (not intentionally), but understandably it spooked him but he stuck with it for a bit anyway. One night we were together I said to him how unfair it was that my friend (K) could get pregnant despite not trying, she kept forgetting her pill, and that our mutual friends who had been trying for years, have had no luck yet. The following night I hung out with one of (C)'s friend (B), we went to subway where my pill alarm went off, I sat there in front of him and took it, (B) even asked what it was, so I joked that I didn't want to be like (K) and the pill helps prevent being knocked up, later (C) broke up with me as (B) had gone back to him telling (C) that I was trying to get pregnant and trap him. I was gutted, incredibly sad and did act a little crazy, I was worried about him. I decided to fight for us, maybe thats were I went wrong, maybe I shouldn't have tried. A week later we were back together, I had found out during that time that he kept going to see his ex with a tent, to supposedly talk and help her, he assured me nothing happened between them but I found out at the end of our relationship she had tried to kiss him but that was it, I'm not sure if I believed him, he lied a lot. In texts between them he was calling me a psycho. However all was forgiven and we moved forward. At this point I'm starting to think the drama was over but I was wrong, it was just the beginning.

09/06/2023

So today is counselling day, usually a very tiring one but I'm making progress. Today I've been thinking a lot about a past relationship, thinking about all the things I should have said, but didn't. Looking back a 4/5 year relationship, shouldn't have lasted as long as it did, I don't regret the relationship, I regret who I became while in it, for going against everything I previously stood for, for not trusting myself to do what was best for me. I'm aware a relationship should be about both people, but he became my world, my everything, I'd protect him despite him not deserving it, in some situations, I kept making excuses for him. When we started it was great, but then when isn't it, no relationship perfect. We would meet up late at night, in the local park (yes we were still very much young and childish) but those late nights would make my night, we weren't together then, but he did try to tell me how he felt, but I laughed not knowing what he had said (he got a tongue piercing and his tongue was swollen), I didn't find out to till months maybe years later, I laughed and apologised to him but I still took the p**s but now I see it was a vulnerable moment for him. I would've done anything for him but I was scared and wouldn't trust my feelings for him, I'd wait in the park for him and sometimes he wouldn't show or a friend would pass by and come talk to me, so he would go pass and go home as if I weren't there. Eventually after a holiday I realised that my feelings weren't going away, that he was who I wanted to be with and I hated being away from him. When I got back, we finally got together after some help from my friends. The first week he had started a new job told me he was working then going straight home due to being too tired, later that week I found he had lied to me, he'd go see friends and go drinking, I was hurt and p**sed, I have insecurities and it caused me to overthink, I hated that he had lied to me, I didn't understand, I'd rather he had been honest, okay I might've been alittle hurt but at least he respected me enough to be honest. But that was only the beginning.

09/06/2023

It's 4:20am here, the sun is coming up now. but for now enough of the instanced with my brothers (more happens later on). My mum met a man when I was 7, he seemed friendly and nice to begin with. We moved in with him in Alton, things seemed to going great, we all liked him, until he started clashing with (L) and slowly became mentally abusive towards myself and (K). My mum and her new husband welcomed my little sister (KJ) when I was 10. He was then offered a job on the iow. We all moved for his work, it was nice to begin with, I got closer to horses, people judged us because we owned a staffy, my sister got christened. I met what I thought was a lovely couple as I was leaving after seeing my loan pony, who said if I helped them then I could ride one of their horses Bella, while the wife road spartan and I'd accompany her on the ground while she hacked him, I'm between 11/12 now and was loving it, my dreams were coming true, until I went to their yard one day. I was told if she wasn't there or the dogs not to go onto the yard which was fair enough, I went by one day and called over the gate no reply so I went to leave, which was when Ray Davis came round the corner and invited me in, I didn't think anything of it at the time, her husband was there, so I went and helped feed the horses and fill haynets. I went looking in the living area for the dogs but they weren't there. Honey the pony spilt food down me, it happens especially with older ponies. I was in the stables when Ray came in and started to touch over clothes, again I get it was over the clothes why make a fuss. He invited me into his home, which I refused, I was already uncomfortable so I made an excuse about my parents and helping them paint. Ray excepted this and walked me to the gate, hugging me close to his sides, I couldn't get out of his grip, his hand was on my arse. When I finally left I went to the park near my house where I saw a friends mum who told me I needed to tell my mum, who until then was giving him the benefit of the doubt with him being a father. We went to the police, turned out he had done it before however in the past the children dropped the cases, I hadn't, I remember having to do a recorded interview and learning the correct terms for f***y and dick, they also get me leaflets and told me what would happen going forward. Just a few days before crown court Ray Davis was found hanging in the stable block. I was banned from their yard (understandable) and blamed and accused of lying. The newspaper released an article about what a lovely guy, he was. The people who owned my loan pony took him away from as her husband felt comfortable encase I said the same about him. I was devastated, I remember saying "but hes done nothing, why would I say that about him" but it didn't matter the damaged had been done. People were noticing a different in me and my family were being victimised by the island. So we decided to move.

09/06/2023

After doctors and nurses my friend stopped coming round well staying as much, I didn't understand but I do now. Things progressed from there, and many will say kids will be kids or they are just experimenting or I'm overreacting, but it's engraved into my memory although I don't think I hold it against them, the memories are still there. Anyway (L) started reading me bedtime stories, yay my brother reading me stories, right? but no instead he had this w***y dance thing, harmless right? I thought it was normal, he got (K) to join in on the dance, at this point starting to feel weird but what do I know. Then one night (L) came in to read me a bedtime story but instead he sat me on his lap facing and started to reveal himself to me, claiming he wanted to show me how adults have s*x. Well I freaked out and ran downstairs to our kitchen where mum was who sat me on the counter and asked what had happened, (L) didn't try to call me back or silence me, we believe he knew what he did was wrong, but can't say for sure. My mum too me to may aunt and uncle who only lived up the road, my mum and aunt took me into my aunts room for me to explain, my uncle offered to call his police friend but it was refused not sure if by me or my mum but after that night, it was drilled into me we don't call the police on family.

09/06/2023

I've had the 5 surgeries now, and thankfully healed after complications such as my stitches reopening multiple times, still very much insecure as a 25 year old. The next thing I remember was my older full brother whose 5 years older (l) than myself playing doctors and nurse with myself, my friend and my other older brother who was 2 years older (k), normal right kids play doctors and nurses all the time only they added spin the bottle to it, I'm still 5 maybe 6 when this what happening, I'd be told to draw on her f***y etc, looking back now, it seems inappropriate for 2 boys to encourage 2 younger girls to play/draw on each others fannies but back then we thought that was normal. (K) always followed (L) lead being the younger brother of the 2.

09/06/2023

So I'm going to start at the very beginning, what I remember, trying to ignore what other people have told me over the years. I'm going start 21 years ago when I was 4 or 5. My first memory was climbing on my dads flat bed ( he was a machinic/ recovery driver) and opening stitches I had, I know I had 5 operations on my bum due to a birthmark type thing that was benign but had to be removed, I remember the toys and many visits, I hated needles and the gas they give you. I remember being placed into the birth after opening my stitches while my mum rang the doctors as the bath turned red, it was or 3rd house we had lived in since I was born. I lived in Guildford while in nursery , I used to run away to the nearest gyspy family, I remember waiting for my dad to come home and a daddy long legs jumping out from behind a candle hence my fear of spiders, my dad never came home that night, I remember my best friend then pinning me down and shoving grass down my throat, or the time I fell out of bed and my large/heavy wooden doll house landing on me and me screaming (maybe thats why I'm fu**ed in the head). I remember rehoming our 2 cats but 1 came back so we had to return him. we moved not long after that and thats when the surgeries began, even 20 years later I'm so self aware of the scar the 5 surgeries left and don't like people touching my bum or even looking at it, I feel the need to explain myself but how do you explain that you feel you were destined to a s**t and short life even as child.

09/06/2023

If anyone see's this you are not alone, even if you think you are, it's okay, I've added a message button, I am always here to talk and listen, I will offer advice if you want it but I can't promise it'll work for you and it's up to you, if you decide to take it, it's okay if you aren't ready, it's okay that people don't understand, your feelings are valid, they are important even when you don't think so. what you may consider minor could be major for other and it goes both ways, we all react to things differently it doesn't make your feelings/problems any less important. Don't worry about setting boundaries those who love and respect you, will respect any boundaries you put in place, it's not selfish, you always come first even when you think you shouldn't, even if you have pets or kids etc yes they are still important but you can't look after them properly, if you don't look after yourself, physically or mentally

09/06/2023

09/06/2023

So today is slightly different. I've been receiving counselling this year, my counsellor is brilliant and I've clicked with her, I've tried different counsellor's since I was 13/14, I am now 25 and I've not had a break through in the past, maybe it's because I didn't think I needed help, or my heart wasn't in it, maybe I didn't click or maybe I wasn't ready for their help and I treated it like a joke, didn't think I was fixable, that I didn't deserve it. However for the first time in over 10 year, I finally believe I need, I deserve it and I'm ready, I've stopped wanting to die, I'm believing in a future again, that I want to live, I deserve to live my life and if that makes my selfish, than so be it. I'll be telling my story to the best of my memory in short statuses, I feel I'm at a place that I can now and remain in a positive mind frame

28/03/2023

So Monday I found out that my ra**st won’t be charged due to unable to prove beyond reasonable doubt to a jury. Although warned prior that these are difficult cases and tend to be the outcome and I tried to be prepared but it hit me hard, harder then I expected and I’m so exhausted and can’t sleep. I now have to except that he goes free without punishment, he could work anywhere he wants and it won’t show on his record, he is free to do it again to hurt others and affect their lives like he did mine.

03/11/2022

So I’ve recently moved and I can honestly say since being r***d earlier this year I’ve not slept or been as relaxed as I’ve been these last couple of days, I’ve braved the town on my own whereas I’d need a friend with me or at least be on the phone to someone to leave the house despite it being the place I was r***d. I finally feel as if I can take a minute, breathe and accept that I’m not who I was before the sibling s*xual abuse, the abusive ex and the r**e but I can get help to find myself again and hopefully move pass what has happened and be better for it.

14/10/2022

This week started out s**tty but has gotten better two of our young ponies have taken massive steps and done me and my aunt both proud our gelding had his first trot with a rider and our lovely mare had a nice short walk around the field without any dramas she was calm and stretched and worked long and low beautifully

12/10/2022

Today I learnt I’ve lost a lot of strength in my left knee big step for my young horse learning to trot with a rider and my left leg would uncontrollably shake and now I worry about what kind of future I have a show jumper

10/10/2022

Today I got told that I shouldn’t have the opinion I have on meaningless hook ups. My opinion: why be careful about the men, they can’t do worse then what’s already happened. After being r***d this year I’ve gone through various attitudes, 1st I wanted to burn my whole body, 2nd I wanted to reclaim my body, 3rd I thought I was too damaged to have s*x again, no one would want someone who’s been r***d and now I don’t care they can’t do any worse to me than what happens except murder and if they can do that then have at it. I trusted someone and he thought he could just throw his seed around as he pleases, so why not allow random guys at least I’ve agreed to it.

10/10/2022

So today has actually been okay basically same s**t different day, but now I’ve stopped for 10 minutes and I feel like I’m drowning and I’m so exhausted and when I tell anyone that I’m exhausted they assume I mean I need sleep etc but I’m exhausted mentally and some days like today I don’t know how much longer I can keep myself from drowning

09/10/2022

So today has been dull and boring and for some reason all I want to do it curl up watch s**t tv with my best friend and cry because I need a day were I can cry and it be okay

07/10/2022

All my life I’ve prided myself on never asking why me instead I’ve always said rather me than someone else but these last few months I’ve become incredibly tired of life and finally started to ask why me why not someone else and then I feel guilty

06/10/2022

Just in case anyone finds this, sorry but it’s just stuff that’s in my head, that I don’t tell anyone🤷🏻‍♀️ probs should go to therapy 😅