10/09/2021
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If you're in an exclusive relationship, make sure that you know what things to actually EXCLUDE. This is the purpose of setting up clear boundaries. If you want to have a relationship but don't want everything else in your life to change, then spare your partner from the time and emotions that you'll be wasting away. Here are a few tried and tested advice to stop the temptation of cheating. (This was written for my audience, mainly men, but the advice is equally viable for women and for single people).
1. Avoid Having Special Friends
- Stop excusing yourself to your wife / girlfriend that someone is just a friend. Understand that even IF they are actually your friends, you need to draw a line between what you can do and what you can't do with them. An exclusive relationship will change a lot of things, and everyone, most specially your friends, should know and respect that. If your "special" friend feels sad about this new boundary, let them understand that it's nothing personal, but a precaution for you and for the future of your relationship. (Movies like Kissing Booth, or any modern western film marketed to teenagers would have no storyline to tell if they know how to set boundaries. Best to avoid watching them.)
a. If you're not with a large group, stop doing things together "as a friend" with another woman.
b. If you're with a large group, why not invite your wife/girlfriend as well?
c. If you're with a large group, and your wife/girlfriend is not there, make it clear to them that you have other responsibilities which includes dismissing yourself at a specific hour or not being involved in certain activities.
2. Take your Crush Seriously and Eliminate Threats
- Stop thinking that secretly being attracted and fantasizing on your crush will have no effects on your relationship.
It's never harmless. Having a crush is not the worst thing you can have, but you also need to set up boundaries in this area. Does this include celebrity crushes or crushes on people who are just too far off? Yes. Listen. When you entertain the idea that a person is just "too far" to reach (like a celebrity), you can easily fall into the temptation of having that standard on someone else (like a beautiful co-worker). Instead of thinking about the actual physical and circumstantial distance that you have (like you do with a celebrity crush), you will start to rationalize the "league" distance that you have with your non-celebrity crush. You'll start justifying to yourself that "she's too beautiful to even notice me", or "she has a boyfriend already", or "I'm 100% sure she doesn't like me" so it's okay to have a crush on her because nothing's gonna happen anyway.
But what IF she notices you? What IF they break up with her boyfriend? What IF you're wrong and she actually likes you?
You're doomed. You have already spent so much time fantasizing about your crush, believing nothing will happen in the end. But then someting changed and now your fantasy has just come true. You have hyped your brain sooo much to believe that your crush will give you the happiness that you deserve, and now an opportunity comes and what will you do?
A. Grab the opportunity, leave your current relationship.
B. Miss the opportunity, and spend the rest of your life wondering, regretting, and even more fantasizing.
You see, none of these options are good to begin with. So what you need to do is to make sure you will have a different set of questions right from the start. Ignore your crushes, limit any exposure to them, and if you can't help yourself, you can even go as far as asking to be transferred to a different work or find some other job.
The question is: How much do you value your current relationship?
3. Don't Even Try It
- Stop thinking that you can cheat once and be done with it for the rest of your life.
Cheating is addictive. So I don't blame people when they say "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Cheating gives you the s*xual/emotional satisfaction PLUS the thrill of novelty (freshness) and adventure. Everytime you cheat and get away with it, your brain overloads you with dopamine as a reward because your goal of "cheating and not get caught" has just been achieved. Your brain will subconsciously tell you "You're the man! You pulled it off smoothly!". Don't think you can easily fight those chemical signals, you are literally controlled by them. The more you cheat, the more you validate your own ability to do it and even feel good about it.
So don't try it, not even once.
4. Stop Watching Po*******hy
- This is quite related to the point about crushes, but also something that I would advice to everyone for all the right reasons.
In this case, whenever you watch p**n, you are training your mind to become s*xually satisfied to anyone else aside from your wife. Your relationship then, is no longer exclusive. You lie to yourself when you say watching p**n is harmless, but you're setting yourself up for failure.
Ask yourself: Is there someone else that should satisfy you s*xually? Stop justifying that the person / model is on screen. If instead of watching p**n from a screen, you could watch them live through a window, would you still do it? Let's go down a bit more. If instead of watching someone have s*x with a p**n actress, you'll take the place of the actor, would you do it? The truth is, it is genuinely hard to say no to these questions if you are okay with watching p**n - because you watch p**n in order to s*xually gratify yourself with someone else, in secret, and without commitment. That is the fundamental principle that is also found in the basic cheating and even hooking up with prostitutes. There's absolutely no difference if you're doing it with your hand or someone else does it for you. If it's not with your wife, it's wrong.
5. Don't Live In Together
- Stop it. Several studies, throughout all the years, have found that infidelity rates are much higher among cohabiting couples than married folks who don't live together first.
If you're "fine" with doing away with actual commitment (getting married) because you prioritize the "pleasures" of being committed (living in), then it says a lot about how seriously committed you are with your partner. You're not safeguarding your relationship from a future heartbreak. Or don't you remember the one who said "Come on, guys, it's 2017!" when asked about living in? How's their relationship going? Oh but they are celebrities so they can very well afford to be in a million of failed relationships because nothing for them is at risk. If they're unhappy, there are several people waiting in line for them. If they get pregnant, they have several millions to raise a child. You can't afford that risk. So don't play their despicable game.
(Ladies, you need love and commitment. Men need s*x.
It's an absolute failure on your part if you give them the s*x that they need, but they don't give you the commitment that you need. That's why if you don't set up boundaries and expectations on your relationship, it's not gonna last. You can't live on just feelings and enjoying each other without labels. Life moves on and you're not gonna be young forever. Your dating market value decreases over time. Reserve yourselves. Always keep in mind that insecure and immature men can leave you ANYTIME when they want be s*xually satisfied with someone else, but it's almost impossible for you to be emotionally and psychologically satisfied with someone else since you need to heavily invest yourself again. If you're not having second thoughts about living-in together and not working out marriage as fast as you can, it's your loss. )
6. Limit Opportunities
- We'll go specific and practical here. When you set boundaries for yourself, it means protecting yourself from opportunities that are ALSO out of your control. In other words, protect yourself from making excuses. Develop a mindset that your integrity as a person lies on what you do without someone else watching.
Don't be p**s drunk with friends or anyone else other than your wife or girlfriend.
Think of yourself as one man that is reserved for just one woman. This means, you need to stop thinking that you are obliged to be friendly with girls, even if you are single. Stop with all the unnecessary emojis. Stop sending "friendly" heart emojis. 😍🥰❤️ All of them to be specific. Stop leaving any non-verbal communication (even verbal ones actually) to be left to the receiver's interpretation. Stop being vague and ambiguous with what you are saying. Stop telling other girls anything else other than "bye, thanks, or welcome" when ending a conversation. You don't need to tell them sweet dreams or send wide-smiley emojis. If you have to, the 🙂 will do. Unless it’s an emergency, you don’t need to respond to girls past 11pm. Even if you’re doing nothing, don’t chat with them that late of an hour. Do all your best to not let anyone misinterpret your actions, no matter how pure they are. Don’t give them even a hint that they are special for you, unless they really are. And don’t even say you act and talk “like that” to all the girls. If you give them the wrong impression or wrong motive, you’re still wrong.
Learn to control yourself and have more dignity as a man through your words.
When you have a motorcycle, do not offer other women, to ride on your back UNLESS you absolutely have to do so. Get them an Uber/Grab or if they can make it home fine by themselves, allow them. If you're single, do not offer them the same if you don't have any intentions with them. This does not make you less of a gentleman. Discipline makes you a man.
When you have a car, do not ever let anyone other than your wife/girlfriend, mother, or sister, to sit beside your in the front seat. When your girl_friends do it unintentionally, gently tell them that it's reserved for family.
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Here's two action points:
1. Tag or share this to your spouse and partner and discuss it with them. If they disagree with a specific point, talk about it. This will either help your relationship or reveal what has been hidden (in which case will still help your relationship, or at least you).
2. If you're a Christian (an actual follower of Christ), OR if you want to learn more, join our group and we will discuss topics like these here and with even deeper Biblical principles to back them up.
> Patriarchs and Noblewomen for Christ
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The Imperial Patriarch
(If we’re friends in person, I hope this also explains why I don’t talk or interact with a lot of girls or our conversations are dry, direct to the point, and short. Again, it is nothing personal. I don’t look down on you. I don’t have any animosity with you. You are 100% free to learn more about me or what I think through talking to my wife.)
