JustAsh Crafts & Photographs

16/08/2024

Who is that phrase for?
⠀⁠
"My parents did the best they could." is a non fault phrase that we as healers need to thoroughly examine. I see it as an idea that keeps people stuck.
⠀⁠
Is it true? Was THAT their best? Did your toxic parents:
⠀⁠
-seek help?
-reflect on how things were going?
-make brave decisions on your behalf?
-leave abusers to keep you safe?
-ask what their part in things were?
-wonder why you were showing signs of trauma?
⠀⁠
I call bu****it.
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The phrase doesn't work for most of us, and I think it gets in the way of healing. It implies that had our parents been more informed, or had access to resources, things would have been different.
⠀⁠
Narcissistic and codependent parents don't operate that way.
It's super generous to think they would.

It's ok for both survivors and clinicians to hold toxic parenting accountable.
⠀⁠
Accessing and processing anger, rage, grief, sadness and above all - the truth is how healing works. We don't stay in those feelings forever - we move on.
⠀⁠
"They did the best they could"- is just like childhood, where we overly focus on the toxic parent and not OUR experience.
⠀⁠

16/08/2024

I have a problem with describing abusive parents as ill-equipped.

Ill-equipped parents are teachable. They often grew up without basics in parenting or family life. But that term, by definition, means a lack of knowledge and experience. We can deal with that. But that's not what we are struggling with regarding the toxic parent.

Many of my followers with children who are triggered about their parenting reach out to me, asking for help with gaining that knowledge and experience.

They want to be better and not cause damage that they went through. I hear you, and videos are coming. Just seeking out help is everything that separates you from your own abusive parents.

Let's be honest, though.

When others describe our parents as just ill-equipped, it is exceptionally generous, invalidating, and minimizing.

My parents didn't just lack experience and knowledge about being a parent.

They lacked:

*Empathy

*Responsibility

*Emotional regulation

*Insight and self-reflection

*Honesty

*Awareness of safety

*Boundaries

*Accountability

They had everything in the soup that makes up a mentally-off toxic person, along with violence, betrayal, and substance abuse in their parenting, marriage, and lifestyle.

Yes, our parents were trauma survivors, but so were we. There is a difference between being teachable and aware compared to being aggressively defiant about anything wrong with their own house, with their own children.

16/08/2024

What this looks like in the toxic parent is big statements around naming evidence of some kind. Most of which was different from what you needed. ⠀⁠
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"You were clothed, fed, and educated...what do you expect."⠀⁠
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(you needed healthy attachment to a secure available loving person, not just the basics)⠀⁠
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"I signed you up for dance lessons, but you never went."⠀⁠
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(you needed an adult to teach showing up and being consistent as well as a ride to these things)⠀⁠
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"I did my best to keep my marriage going for you."⠀⁠
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(you needed healthy modeling and protection)⠀⁠
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Taking on the responsibility of raising children is immense. But, unfortunately, many abusive parents behave like their children's needs are just concrete - food, shelter, good image, or for some bare minimum basics, if at all.⠀⁠
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Many rewrite the history of what your childhood was really like and gaslight you. It's important to decide what your history and truth⁠
is. ⠀⁠
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The assignment is that children need healthy, engaged, consistent parents who can provide them with emotional security, emotional connection, and consistent help navigating the world and relationships. ⠀⁠
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Many of us have abusive parents who live in the self-righteous vibe of "That's bu****it. You were fine". ⠀⁠
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But in reality, they never understood the responsibility of the assignment, and instead put a lot of energy into claiming they did. ⠀⁠
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What do you think?⠀⁠
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16/08/2024

There is a specific triggering experience in the toxic family, which is being told to be the better person in an abusive dynamic or situation.⁠
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You may have heard any of the following from family:⁠
⁠
“You know how they are, just say you're sorry and be done with it.”⁠
⁠
“You don't have problems like they have, so just let it go and support them. They can't help it.”⁠
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“I know they crossed a line, but they do have a point about you.”⁠
⁠
In reality, the childhood trauma survivor is being told once again to put away the abuse they just went through and show up for the general good or for the perpetrator, who is never challenged by the system.⁠
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This is profoundly wrong because we are being told to betray: reality, healthy consequences of abuse, and ourselves.⁠
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In these moments, we are being manipulated to keep the status quo of the toxic system going, which means enabling perpetrators in their abuse. The abuser doesn't have to change because they've just been validated.⁠
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In healthy systems, there are consequences, and the offended must look at their behavior and seek repair, not the victims.⁠
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How batsh*t is it to be abused and then be told to show up as the accountable one?⁠
⁠

16/08/2024

If you grew up in abuse and dysfunction like I did, most likely at a young age, you had a sense of how limited one or both of your parents were. So many clients, including myself, are marinated in guilt or embarrassment for the parent who can't get out of their own way. ⠀⁠
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What do I mean by that?⠀⁠
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-The parent who makes a scene at Target or at the restaurant because they must be miserable or can't manage their emotions like an adult.⠀⁠
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-The parent who "gets even."⠀⁠
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-The parent who shows up at your door to prove a point to your spouse or children. ⠀⁠
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-The parent who refuses to get sober or recognize/admit that there is a problem. ⠀⁠
-The parent who is going "straight to court" to fight it - even if they are wrong.⠀⁠
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Even if they crash and burn, there is still much ego and defiance.⠀⁠
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-The parent who will refuse to look at their part in things or their parenting - even if they take that refusal to their deathbeds. ⠀⁠
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Many of us feel the abuse as their adult children, but our inner child feels compassion for the toxic parent instead of themselves. ⠀⁠
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The inner child will choose the parent's limitations over their own truth and feelings until our inner adult changes that and focuses on what happened to that child within us. We must break the family rule that the toxic parent always comes first.⠀⁠
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I tell clients that our inner child "knows too much" or "feels too much" for such toxic parents. Instead, we need to cultivate realness and compassion for ourselves for healing.⠀⁠
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When we feel too much or know too much about how limited our parents are, we don't honor our own abuse, and we choose their feelings or perceived victimhood over our abuse symptoms. ⠀⁠
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It's a stuck place, and the way out is calling it like it is and looking deeply at what it's like to be their child - what the toxicity does to us instead of what it does to them. ⠀⁠
⁠

30/05/2024

I hugged her while she was soppy wet hyperventilate crying in the shower. The reason for the cry was an eye roll but that wasn't going to help bring her back to her body. The hug did. Good job, Adult Ash. Child Ash, this was very hard for you, but you can do hard things.

20/02/2024

Follow Patrick Teahan LICSW on YouTube.

I've combined my self healing with both reliable legit Councelors content (like Patrick here) and spiritual exploration. Aka the hippie witchy vibe of myself. That brings me peace, Patrick brings me reality. Both are necessary for me.

You do you boo.

If what I share stirs something up within you, go have a convo in the mirror. Leave your drama for that convo, not here.

☮️💜☯️

https://www.facebook.com/PatrickTeahanTherapy?mibextid=ZbWKwL

Who is that phrase for?⠀⁠
⠀⁠
"My parents did the best they could." is a non fault phrase that we as healers need to thoroughly examine. I see it as an idea that keeps people stuck. ⠀⁠
⠀⁠
Is it true? Was THAT their best? Did your toxic parents:⠀⁠
⠀⁠
-seek help?⠀⁠
-reflect on how things were going?⠀⁠
-make brave decisions on your behalf?⠀⁠
-leave abusers to keep you safe?⠀⁠
-ask what their part in things were?⠀⁠
-wonder why you were showing signs of trauma?⠀⁠
⠀⁠
I call bu****it. ⠀⁠
⠀⁠
The phrase doesn't work for most of us, and I think it gets in the way of healing. It implies that had our parents been more informed, or had access to resources, things would have been different. ⠀⁠
⠀⁠
Narcissistic and codependent parents don't operate that way. It's super generous to think they would.⠀⁠
⠀⁠
It's ok for both survivors and clinicians to hold toxic parenting accountable. ⠀⁠
⠀⁠
Accessing and processing anger, rage, grief, sadness and above all - the truth is how healing works. We don't stay in those feelings forever - we move on. ⠀⁠
⠀⁠
"They did the best they could"- is just like childhood, where we overly focus on the toxic parent and not OUR experience. ⠀⁠
⁠
Follow for more education on childhood trauma.⁠
⁠
Share this if you would like to raise awareness. ⁠

See more of my content on YT.
⠀⁠

15/02/2024

🎼🖤🩷 Healing from trauma, while grieving.

It's messy, complicated, rollarcoaster of emotions and very unique to each individual.

Hiding it is selfish. Although my experience is mine, it may resonate with someone else. Sharing your experiences is caring, as it helps at least ONE other person to know that they're not alone.

Before commenting judgment, please go have a convo in the mirror. If this stirs something within you, have a deep convo with yourself.

Peace and love world.

14/02/2024

🕯💔💝 Mother

13/02/2024

Just me over here being silly by self healing from my childhood trauma.

We all are, at times, the victims of one of the cruellest and most remorseless of all mental afflictions: obsessive thinking. But why?Enjoying our YouTube vi...

12/02/2024

I will be updating this account to go with my HippieWitchyAsh TT page.

I'm healing.
Growing
Openly dealing with Mother wounds
Being silly
Singing, dancing
Photos, crafts
Hippie witchy stuff
Spirituality
Tarot/Oracle
Spells
Being authentically me.