Old Age Sucks

28/03/2024

In honor of Opening Day… 😊⚾️⚾️

26/03/2024

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to p*e. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”

“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble p*eing too?” asked the 60-year-old.

“No, not really. I p*e every morning at 6:00. I p*e like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble crapping?”

“No, I crap every morning at 6:30.”

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You p*e every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7:00.” 😉

24/03/2024

21/03/2024

You Know That You Are Marvelously Mature When...

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

21/03/2024

🫣

19/03/2024

I may be old but I’m wily…😎

29/02/2024

😇

11/02/2024

Ain’t this the truth !! 🥸

08/12/2023

My parents were married for 55 years. One morning, my mom was going downstairs to make dad breakfast, she had a heart attack and fell. My father picked her up as best he could and almost dragged her into the truck. At full sp*ed, without respecting traffic lights, he drove her to the hospital.

When he arrived, unfortunately she was no longer with us.

During the funeral, my father did not speak; his gaze was lost. He hardly cried.

That night, his children joined him. In an atmosphere of pain and nostalgia, we remembered beautiful anecdotes and he asked my brother, a theologian, to tell him where Mom would be at that moment. My brother began to talk about life after death and guesses as to how and where she would be.

My father listened carefully. Suddenly he asked us to take him to the cemetery.

"Dad!" we replied, "it's 11 at night, we can't go to the cemetery right now!"

He raised his voice, and with a glazed look he said: "Don't argue with me, please don't argue with the man who just lost his wife of 55 years."

There was a moment of respectful silence, we didn't argue anymore. We went to the cemetery. With a flashlight we reached her grave.

My father sat down, prayed, and told his children: "It was 55 years... you know? No one can really talk about true love if haven't done life with a person."

He paused and wiped his face.

"She and I, we were together in the good and in the bad." he continued. "When I changed jobs, we packed up when we sold the house and moved. We shared the joy of seeing our children become parents, together we mourned the departure of loved ones, we prayed together in the waiting room of some hospitals, we supported each other in pain, we hugged one another each day, and we forgave mistakes."

And then he paused and added, "Children, that's all gone and I'm happy tonight. Do you know why I'm happy? Because she left before me. She didn't have to go through the agony and pain of burying me, of being left alone after my departure. I will be the one to go through that, and I thank God for that. I love her so much that I wouldn't have liked her to suffer..."

When my father finished speaking, my brothers and I had tears streaming down our faces. We hugged him and he comforted us, "It's okay. We can go home. It's been a good day."

That night I understood what true love is. It is more than just romanticism and s*x, it's two people who stand beside one another, who are committed to one another ... through all the good and bad that life throws at you.

Peace in your hearts.

30/11/2023

"I asked an elderly man once what it was like to be old and to know the majority of his life was behind him. He told me that he has been the same age his entire life. He said the voice inside of his head had never aged. He has always just been the same boy. His mother's son. He had always wondered when he would grow up and be an old man. He said he watched his body age and his faculties dull but the person he is inside never got tired. Never aged. Never changed.
Our spirits are eternal. Our souls are forever. The next time you encounter an elderly person, look at them and know they are still a child, just as you are still a child and children will always need love, attention and purpose."

25/11/2023

My thoughts exactly…

08/11/2023

Who’s heading south for the winter?

30/10/2023

Happy Halloween!

02/04/2023

Caption this painting.

01/04/2023

“I spent an hour in the bank with my dad, as he had to transfer some money. I couldn't resist myself and asked...

''Dad, why don't we activate your internet banking?''

''Why would I do that?'' He asked...

''Well, then you wont have to spend an hour here for things like transfer. You can even do your shopping online. Everything will be so easy!''

I was so excited about initiating him into the world of Net banking.

He asked ''If I do that, I wont have to step out of the house?

''Yes, yes''! I said. I told him how even grocery can be delivered at door now and how amazon delivers everything!

His answer left me tongue-tied.

He said ''Since I entered this bank today, I have met four of my friends, I have chatted a while with the staff who know me very well by now.

You know I am alone...this is the company that I need. I like to get ready and come to the bank. I have enough time, it is the physical touch that I crave.

Two years back I got sick, The store owner from whom I buy fruits, came to see me and sat by my bedside and cried.

When your Mom fell down few days back while on her morning walk. Our local grocer saw her and immediately got his car to rush her home as he knows where I live.

Would I have that 'human' touch if everything became online?

Why would I want everything delivered to me and force me to interact with just my computer?

I like to know the person that I'm dealing with and not just the 'seller'. It creates bonds of Relationships.

Does Amazon deliver all this as well?'''

Technology isn't life..

Spend time with people .. Not with devices."

Writer: Unknown

30/03/2023

An Old Farmer writes to his Son who is in Prison:

"Dear Son, this year I won't be able to plant Potatoes because I can't dig the field by myself, I know if you are here, you would have helped me".

The Son writes back,
"Dad don't even think of digging the field because that's where I buried all the money I stole."

The Police read the letter and the next Day the whole field was dug up looking for the money but nothing was found.

The following Day the Son wrote again,
Now plant your Potatoes dad, it's the best I can do from here.
🤣🤣🤣
Sent you some free Help!!

15/03/2023

Yep…🤣🤣

12/03/2023

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

11/03/2023

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the 2nd day she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell.

They tried everything cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days. In the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting.

NOTHING WORKED!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The Maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later even though they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was… he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house was worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.

09/03/2023

😝

14/02/2023

Happy Valentine’s Day! ❤️

01/08/2022

😁

21/07/2022

💯❤️

20/07/2022

Is it just me or does anyone else really relate to this? 🤣💯

17/07/2022

Any Gen Xrs in here?

09/07/2022

A few days ago I received a friend request on FB from a young attractive guy about 28 years old... I was curious. I wanted to know why someone that young wanted to be my fb friend.

So I accepted it. Then he started sending me private messages. He was very kind. He called me beautiful.

He asked my age. I'm not a liar so I told him and reminded him I'm quite a bit his senior.

And I let him talk a bit cos (truth be told) flattery ain't all that bad.

We keep talking for a while and within a short time, he asked if we could talk about 'adult things'.

I said ok.

Then he replied with a face like 👿. He said 'thank you babe, you start."

So I did!

I told him adult things like my knees and hips were hurting. My back acts up when it is cold outside.

I explained that I have crazy insomnia, I toss and turn the entire night and that I often have leg cramps, especially when I try to sleep.

I mentioned the scars from multiple surgeries and the limp I have from an old injury.

And of course I had to throw in the need for daily fiber supplements to prevent passing gas. Can't forget that one!

I was waiting for him to answer me...

He blocked me.

He wanted to talk about adult things and then don't take the heat!

I think I'm just a bit too much woman for him to handle! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Copied and pasted before u dm me😂

I couldn’t resist 🤣🤣

04/07/2022

Accurate 🤣🤣

01/07/2022

Our most loyal friends have four legs.

30/06/2022

There's a good lesson here!!

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.