I grew up with stories of how my parents met.
And no, it wasn’t the most romantic story. Basically a married women who worked with my mom wanted to have s*x with my dad. She asked my mom to drive her to my dad’s house after work so her husband wouldn’t know.
My mom reluctantly agreed.
When my mom pulled up in her 1972 Dodge Challenger to my grandfather’s house where my dad lived at the time (yes my dad was still living at home), my dad came out to the car and saw the driver - and realized my mom was the woman he had seen one Saturday night at the Dairy Dee in town - and said to his cousin, “I am going to marry that woman.”
Did my dad have s*x with the married woman? My dad never said.
But he definitely didn’t have s*x with her that night as he spent most of the time trying to talk my mom into going on a date with him.
She finally relented (apparently my mom had a problem saying no). Then on the date, my mom drove. At the drive in movie theatre, while my dad was leaning over her window to ask if she wanted popcorn, my dad puked on her windshield because he had earlier drank a whole bottle of whiskey and too many hot dogs with his cousin.
The rest is history.
This November it will be their forty sixth year wedding anniversary!
Isn’t love grand?
So what’s the recipe to “happily ever after”? It seems to only feed people like Jo and Chip Gaines from #FixerUpper, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel, Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa or Oprah and Stedman Graham.
For the rest of us mere mortals, we are left with the scraps.
But remember Jo gave Chip Gaines a three day ultimatum or she would never see him again after he went nearly bankrupt while on a solo holiday in Mexico, Justin was cheated on by Brittany Spears or vice versa, Lisa Bonet had her heart broken by ‘unfaithful’ Lenny Kravitz. And no body knows anything about what’s really going on between Oprah and Steadman.
So everyone has had to lick their toads (first consult your dealer / doctor).
That’s why Asheville Date Night Guide is proud to present ‘Swipe Mic’ - an open mic for not so great dating stories. They say misery loves company - so why not make it a hilarious, laugh extravaganza!
‘Swipe Mic’ is not a player hater party. It’s more to celebrate - the ‘thank god I didn’t date that person’ with other ‘thank god I didn’t date that person’ - ahem, persons. The goal is to laugh about the close calls, ghosting, dick pics, bathroom selfies, and you picking up the tab when you barely had enough money for rent - CELEBRATION!
The show is broken into the following segments:
CRAIGSLIST CONNECTIONS - where there are dramatic readings and interpretations of Craigslist Missed Connections - to give unfulfilled love a creepy, stalker feeling - with a voice over! Read for yourself and be creeped the F out - https://asheville.craigslist.org/d/missed-connections/search/mis
DICK PIC RICKROLLING - are you tired of getting unsolicited dick pics? So are we! So we have all the people (men, women, trans) who have received dick pics over the past month to put a name or the social media handle of the dick perpetrator in a hat (or bowl if that’s all we have) and then we choose a winner. So what does the winner get? The crowd of ‘Swipe Mic’ does a karaoke recorded version of ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ to let them know - anatomically correct or not, mushrooms and veins aren’t the way to a person’s heart. It’s Rick Astley, duh.
AUTO INCORRECT - have you found your soul mate only to have the artificial intelligence screw it up? This is how Skynet takes over our nuclear arsenal and the number one reason the Terminator travels back in time to stop the birth of John Connor. Autocorrect is our number one e***a. Damn it, enemy. With audience participation, we will read submitted chat messages between star crossed lovers that gives one paise. Damn it again? Pause. I mean, pause. Besides, what the heck is ‘paise’ anyway? Find out here. The best AUTO INCORRECT of the night wins a 5 dollar gift card.
DM DAMN - sometimes love tries to find you - regardless if you are looking for it or not. Messages appearing out of the blue on Facebook, LinkedIn, and the plethora of online dating apps - looking to meet you, get a naked picture of you, or offering you 10,000 dollars if you marry them so they can get a work visa in Trump’s America. These DMs (direct messages for all persons over 29 years old) share the same characteristics: direct, to the point, and a high concentration of corny. The best DM DAMN of the night wins a 10 dollar gift card.
DATING STORIES (IRL - In Real Life for all those above 29 years old / Voicemails / Texts) - the real reason that ‘Swipe Mic’ exists is to have real people show up in a real room - to hear real stories of love lost, lovelorn, or cringe worthy, awkwardness in the name of love (or lust). Everyone has 3 minutes to tell a story of a romance that went wrong, went down, or parked in happy town. For those too shy to get on a microphone and tell a room full of strangers, we also offer a ‘Swipe Mic’ hotline - where you can record a voicemail of the torrid affair (the hotline is free to call, leave as many stories as you want / we bleep out real names / don’t forget to leave a social media handle or fake #hashtag so we can give you a shoutout). If you want to be the Ernest Hemingway of dating stories - and truly believe in what Shakespeare said, “brevity is the soul of wit” you can also text your story. The number is 828 569 6699. The best DATING STORY of the night - in person, on voicemail or text - wins a 15 dollar gift card.
We at ‘Swipe Mic’ believe your soul mate is out there!
Or heck, we believe your soul mate might be in the audience hearing you talking about the soul mate that wasn’t.
So gather your courage, dry your tears, down a whole glass of Pinot Gris or Azul in a single gulp before putting the microphone on your chin (the standup comedian way to hold a mic) and get to ‘Swipe Mic’ing!
‘Happily ever after’ is not always perfect. Like with my parents, love was a recipe consisting of a dash of adultery and a bag of vomit with hot dog chunks. Your ingredients may vary.
But mix it together and voila! Love is served.
So come join in the smorgasbord with your new family.
Bond over a date that was not so great!
