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Exquisite Love Philippe Lewis is a sex & intimacy coach and his company is called Exquisite Love What is an Exquisite Lover? Are you ready to become an Exquisite Lover?

An Exquisite Lover is a someone who engages with others first with curiosity and creativity. With listening and with expression, the Exquisite Lover dances with their full humanity. With intellectual, emotional, physical and erotic intelligence, the Exquisite Lover experiences who they really are and what they are made of -- their strengths, their limitations, their skills, their experience. With

focused attention, the Exquisite Lover discovers their state, their pace, their desires, their boundaries, and brings them exactly what they have been seeking -- with their consent -- in the form of connection, growth, depth, and exploration

An Exquisite Lover is always learning and growing. An Exquisite Lover is always in service to a greater purpose. An Exquisite Lover always seeks feedback and cleans up mistakes. An Exquisite Lover is, above all else, a person who wants to make a positive difference in the world, both with men and women. Contact me!

I USED TO BELIEVE I WAS SECURE, AS MANY PEOPLE DO... 😌But as I started to look more deeply into my own emotional body 11...
05/07/2025

I USED TO BELIEVE I WAS SECURE, AS MANY PEOPLE DO... 😌

But as I started to look more deeply into my own emotional body 11 years ago--three years into fatherhood--I started to notice how my nervous system would go into fight, flight, or freeze when I would run out of emotional bandwidth. 😰 And while I later realized that the crux of this challenge began when my son was born, and this birth creating an attachment trauma in me (my first real trauma, if you can believe it), pushing me further and deeper into the avoidance that already existed. 👶💔

This began my journey to understanding myself and what caused me to need "space" to find my emotional balance (to auto-regulate) while Paget would simultaneously need me to be close to her. 🔄💕

As you can imagine, it brought many challenges to our relationship, but we were stubborn 💪 and kept at it, knowing and believing we would eventually pierce through to the other "side". 🌅

Truly, the solution to being a better, more authentic human in relationships where mutuality, emotional balance, and love are present was to become more secure ourselves, but at the time, this wasn't available to us. 🌱

This, indeed, is often a multi-year long journey with many pitfalls, challenges, and difficulties. 🗻

A journey of 1001 steps. 👣

What I never realized is how the pressure cooker of the pandemic would *finally* force me to be with my avoidance and feel the presence of my family and home as a regulating force. 🏠❤️

--

How I learned to become a Secure Attacher 🔐💝

When I was first introduced to Attachment Theory by my friend Trevor, my reaction to his statement that I was "avoidant" was one of immediate dismissal. 🙄 Ironic of course, considering that avoidant attachment is also often called "dismissive-avoidant." Paget and I were engaging in the classic anxious-avoidant dance. 💃🕺

This journey eventually brought us to develop skills around self-regulation, self-care, and self-resourcing. 🛠️✨ From awareness of our own nervous system and emotional body, its strengths, its weaknesses, and its superpowers, we developed the ability to regulate and ground ourselves more and more easily over time, the ability to take care of ourselves better and better, and the ability to get the help and perspectives we would need to understand and face the challenges and difficulties that would inevitably come up time after time grew significantly. 🌳💪

(see the graphic of the 4 stages of the Journey to Secure) 📊

This is how we journeyed from Stage 1 (unconscious/insecure) 😴 to Stage 2 (conscious/insecure) 👁️ to a fairly deep Stage 3 (conscious/secure) 🌟 where we are today, in our current (poly/open) family configuration. 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦💕

And, it's a balance we are constantly maintaining, refining, deepening, and building together with our loved ones in our lives. ⚖️🌱

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The Stages of the Journey to Secure 🎯

The journey to an earned secure attachment can be seen both as a journey of awareness (becoming aware/conscious about our insecurity through our coping mechanisms) 🧠💡 and a journey of developing skill (learning to engage with our insecurities, dysregulation, coping mechanisms, and emotional resources). 🎨

It follows the Conscious Competence Ladder which explains the process of learning and gaining competence in any area of growth. 🪜📈

Here's what it looks like: 👇

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**The Three Areas of Growth of the Journey to Secure** 🌿

As we go through the stages of the Journey to Secure, which takes time, effort, attention, and practice, we learn and grow in three main areas: ⏰💪🎯

Self-Regulation 🧘‍♂️

Self-regulation is the ability to better support a regulated nervous system for yourself when challenges arise and coping mechanisms such as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn come up, generally expressed by an insecure attacher as either anxiety or avoidance. 🌊 Learning to self-regulate can look like the avoidant attacher's usual "auto-regulation" (the need to regulate alone), co-regulation (the need to regulate with another human or mammal) 🤝, or anything in between. A secure attacher can more easily draw from what is available at the moment of dysregulation in order to bring themselves back into a grounded regulated state. 🌳 Learning to do this can look like breathing techniques 🫁, movement techniques 🏃‍♀️, mindfulness techniques 🧘, connection to nature 🌲, and more.

Self-care 🛀

Self-care is the ability to better support a body, heart, and mind in optimum health, energy, and emotional resources level. 💖🧠 Self-care looks like realizing what needs are unmet in order to better fulfill them such that one can be fully resourced. 🔋 It can also look like learning about these needs such that, over time, better planning and forecasting can occur about them. 📅 A secure attacher can more easily imagine what needs will arise and can better prepare for them so they can be met as soon as they occur and continuously as they occur. Needs come in various categories (Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is one example), but the main ones that impact our nervous system are physical 💪, emotional 💝, social 👥, and primal needs 🔥. In order to keep our nervous system balanced and in top running condition, these needs have to be cared for and met on-goingly. This can look like learning about nutrition 🥗, communication 💬, relating, connection 🔗, etc. In other words, awareness, techniques, perspectives, and approaches that facilitate meeting our needs (and supporting others in getting their own needs met in relationship). It's the growing of our internal toolbox 🧰 to keep our inner self running well and with resilience.

Self-Resourcing 🤝

Self-resourcing (or, more simply, resourcing) is the ability to seek outside support, perspectives, and resources when our internal toolbox isn't enough to meet the demands and challenges that life throws in our direction and the needs that arise from this. 🆘 Self-resourcing can look like better sense-making through learning various models (such as attachment theory, IMAGO, etc) which leads to validation and understanding of what is happening to us 📚, or better relating and communication tools to engage with partners in order to maintain a good level of relatedness. 💕 It can also look like finding the right people to help us, counsel us, and support us in times of need. 🙋‍♀️ It can also look like knowing who are the people you can cuddle with when dysregulated! 🤗 Self-resourcing tends to be about engagement with the external world in ways that support our internal world, our self-care, and our self-regulation. 🌍➡️🏠

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The Two Roads of the Journey to Secure 🛤️

(see the graphic of the 2 roads

The Journey to Secure is both a journey of awareness 🧠 as someone moves from stage to stage as well as a journey of developing skills 🎯 from stage to stage. These two journeys (often overlapping) form two separate pathways or "roads." 🛣️

The first road is the development of awareness around our insecurities, dysregulation, coping mechanisms, and emotional resources, and as we become aware of them, we learn to catch ourselves in reactions related to them faster and faster. ⚡ Initially, we catch ourselves in the past (ie noticing what happened before, making sense of it, and seeing the pattern for what it is faster and faster) ⏮️, then more in the present (having seen the pattern enough, we can see it happening in real time) ⏸️, then more in the future (knowing these patterns, being able to see the time coming before they show up) ⏭️. And as we become familiar with these patterns and mechanisms, we develop a certain amount of compassion 💕, equanimity ⚖️, and intuition 🔮 towards them (and about ourselves) while we work on them through the second road.

The second road is the development of skill around our insecurities, dysregulation, coping mechanisms, and emotional resources. 🛠️ As we grow our awareness and ability to catch ourselves in the moment, we also slowly learn to do something about them via self-regulation, self-care, and self-resourcing. Initially, the results aren't so great 😅, but with enough practice, we begin to gain ground and skill on how to best handle the patterns while at the same time learning to recognize them and own them as part of our growth process. 📈 Each little step builds on the others as we learn and earn our security and ability to get back into balance more easily, quickly, and with greater resilience. 🏗️

As we do all of this better and better, our emotional resources (which you can imagine as like the muscles and stamina of your emotional body) also grow slowly to allow us to handle life more effectively and with more "emotional bandwidth." 💪❤️

This is how you notice yourself becoming secure: it's not that you never get dysregulated or exhausted or "hangry" or in a difficult emotional place anymore. 😤 Rather, it's that over time you develop the awareness and skill to handle events that happened before and as they occur, and you also learn to plan and prepare for events before they happen. 🎯

This is both a practice and an art you have to engage with for a fair bit of time to become good at it. 🎨⏰

And throughout this practice, you truly get the opportunity to find inside of you and in community 👥, the reference point for what Secure Attachment feels like, in the deepest sense. 🌊💖

This is what Coming Home to Love is about. 🏡💕

Love as the true inner experience of Secure Attachment. ❤️🔐

A bientôt et avec amour,
Philippe Lewis

(PS: Curious to chat more? DM me!)

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COMING HOME TO LOVE: A 6-DAY JOURNEY TO SECURE ATTACHMENT

"I've never felt this safe in my life" ~ Retreat Participant

Curious about taking your journey to secure attachment with us? 🤔✨

We have created a retreat specially for you to take some embodied steps on your journey: 🌟

🌟 Steps to becoming more regulated
🌟 Steps to becoming more resourced
🌟 Steps to finding your Secure network of loved ones and friends (like "Finding your Tribe" but even better)
🌟 Steps to understanding where you are on your journey and where to go from here

We created this retreat for you to become secure at a pace that is safe, enjoyable, and in community with other humans like you! 🤗👥

Click here to get more details about 💞 Coming Home to Love: A 6-Day Journey to Secure Attachment 🌅

www.cominghometo.love

And here's a couple of testimonials from last year:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_49bcIsK26k
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkaavA284mg

--

Want to get a sense of how you lean around attachment styles? Use this online Quiz I created: https://www.fyrebox.com/play/attachment-quiz_wdGGqvQpo
(Note: because it's self-reporting, accuracy is limited)

Then you can use the following Google sheet to plot where you are: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1eZis3tPVpSK0pLRvi1kBtjnd5D3QPTdJHedHLVR_tK8/edit?gid=0 =0

✨✨✨EXTENDING EARLY BIRD PRICING UNTIL FRIDAY JUL 4th! ✨PLUS A SPECIAL COMMUNITY DISCOUNT FOR THE NEXT TWO SPECIAL HUMANS...
02/07/2025

✨✨✨EXTENDING EARLY BIRD PRICING UNTIL FRIDAY JUL 4th! ✨PLUS A SPECIAL COMMUNITY DISCOUNT FOR THE NEXT TWO SPECIAL HUMANS WHO REGISTER! ✨✨✨

“I’ve never felt this safe in my body in my entire life.”
— retreat participant

So many of you have seen me in action, engaged in organizing,/producing, ⁠⁠poly relating, ⁠⁠parenting, ⁠⁠partnership, communications of all kinds.

If there’s something you can count on 99.99% of the time (minute the occasional accident and overload), is attuned, caring, considerate, loving presence, from a human who can show up for you with compassion and understanding, and a willingness to make thing work.

✨my relationships and loverships are sweet, caring, considerate, and loving
✨my work is full of deep fulfilling partnerships and projects
✨my engagements and communications are clear and fair

It hasn’t always been this way.

15 years ago, right after the birth of my son Phoenix, I found myself going into trauma and depression, and saw how this pulled me into an avoidant attachment style

It was challenging, both for me and for Paget, who also had her own anxious attachment style to contend with.

We could see the patterns, but we did not understand them.

Until attachment theory popped into our radar (thank you Trevor Getsla).

From there, an understanding of the structure and patterns at play became more and more obvious, and the work of earning a secure attachment began in earnest.

It took some years and dedication, and from there a passion arose to teach other about Attachment Theory and the best ways to take on this journey to secure attachment.

And this Journey is not only possible, it’s a deeply fulfilling one—because once you know the reference point of secure attachment, it becomes easy to orient and continue to move towards it.

And, slowly but surely, from relationship to relationship and choice to choice, your life changes for the better, and your emotional body becomes stronger, healthier, and empowered.

And, you don’t have to do it alone.

Join us on August 5-10 for a unique journey to secure we call Coming Home to LOVE

Because at the end of the journey is, simply, the deep meaningful and beautiful relationships that you want.

Join us, and finally Come Home to the LOVE you’re always desired by becoming the secure human you’ve always been meant to be.

Read on below for all the details.

DM me if you’re curious!

Cheers,
Philippe

_____

www.cominghometo.love

💞 Coming Home to Love: A 6-Day Journey to Secure Attachment
🗓 August 5–10, 2025 | 📍 Four Springs Retreat Center, Middletown, CA

Heal your core wounds and create the ease, safety, and satisfaction you’ve always wanted in your closest relationships.

You’ve done the work. You’ve read the books. You’ve tried to make it work.
But if you’re still…

🔁 Attracting unavailable partners
🌀 Feeling like they can’t meet you—or that conflicts keep getting stuck on repeat
💔 Sabotaging love through over-giving, shutting down, or chasing connection
💭 Wondering why it’s still so hard to feel safe in love, no matter how much you grow...
This retreat was made for you.
Coming Home to Love is a 6-day immersive experience designed to help you finally understand your attachment patterns, unwind your deepest relational wounds, and experience what it actually feels like to be safe, seen, and sovereign in love.

Whether you’re single, partnered, or in transition…

Whether you’ve been in therapy for years or are just beginning your healing journey…

This retreat meets you where you are and gently—but powerfully—guides you back to the truth:

✨ You are already worthy of the love you long for and, with the right tools and support, you can become the source of the stable and lasting love you’ve been longing for.

What You’ll Experience:

💠 Daily group sessions, somatic healing, and sacred rituals
💠 Guided embodiment, nervous system work, and trauma integration support
💠 Powerful, unique methodologies including the 7-stage trauma timeline + parts work + secure reparenting and more…
💠 Tools for authentic communication, boundaries, and relational repair
💠 Plant allies (such as Cacao, Blue Lotus, Kanna) to support gentle expansion
💠 Restorative time in nature, community, and deep emotional safety
💠 Real skills for transforming your relationships—without losing yourself

What You’ll Walk Away With:

🌿 A deep, embodied sense of wholeness and safety in your nervous system
💓 The ability to express needs and set boundaries with grace
🔥 Emotional resilience and confidence in conflict
💞 A clearer vision of the love you truly want—and how to create it
🌈 A supportive community walking the path of earned secure love
📖 A workbook, daily practices, and 3 months of post-retreat support to maximize the impact and sustainability of the breakthroughs you will experience in the retreat.

🛏 Held at the gorgeous Four Springs Retreat Center in the mountains of MIddleton, CA—complete with farm-to-table meals, cozy shared or private rooms, forest trails, a heated pool, and space to reconnect with yourself and others in new ways.

💥 Only 32 spaces available
🎯 Early bird pricing ends July 1 (extended to Jul 4th!)
🌀 Payment plans + limited scholarships available
👉 Register now: www.cominghometo.love
💬 Not quite sure? Let’s talk first: https://calendly.com/exquisitelove/coming-home-to-love-intake-30min-via-zoom

"There’s before this retreat and after. I left with clarity, confidence, and a deep knowing that I can create the kind of love I used to only dream about."
— 2024 Participant

Hi everyone!From the original crew who brought you “second base parties” way before anyone else did comes a party larger...
13/03/2025

Hi everyone!

From the original crew who brought you “second base parties” way before anyone else did comes a party larger and hotter than life. Join us on March 29 for 𝐆R𝐈N𝐃 𝐖I𝐓H M𝐄! with a stellar DJ lineup for those of you who can’t wait to get DOWN on the dance floor and express it all right there and then!

Get your tickets here while you still can (no need to RSVP first this time)!

TICKETS: https://grindwithme2025.eventbrite.com
VOLUNTEER SHEET: https://tinyurl.com/mtzv3sm2
VOLUNTEER WHATSAPP: https://tinyurl.com/ytf7zc86
(Volunteers will be reimbursed after the event)

More details below!!

Philippe & Jocelyn

(And if you can't join us this time, you can join the Club Exotica Announcements WhatsApp here: https://bit.ly/4b0Zppe
And you can also join the Love Underground Announcements WhatsApp here: https://bit.ly/4bmv5H4)

_____

On March 29, Club Exotica in collaboration with Love Underground presents…

𝐆R𝐈N𝐃 𝐖I𝐓H M𝐄! 💃🏻

"GRiNd wITH Me, MaKE It hOt
DOn'T STOp TiLL thE JUicEs DROp
MOvE YOur bOdY, tO tHe BeAt
FEeL Me WItH YOU, prODuCe HeAT
WIth eYes cLoSeD, can YoU SEe
C'mOn BABy jUsT GrINd WITh me..."

✨With:

𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐓 𝐊𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐘
𝐍𝐀𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐘 𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐒𝐒
𝐋𝐈𝐐𝐔𝐈𝐃 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐃𝐑𝐎𝐏𝐒
ℝ𝔸𝕋ℂℍ𝔸𝔼𝕃𝔹𝔼𝔸𝕋𝕊
𝕊𝕆𝕌𝕃 𝕊𝔼𝔼𝔻
Shalman
Rich DDT
WatsoniX
Melter
Kali 🌟Star

✨ WELCOME!

This second base event will bring people from the conscious play party/temple communities of the Bay Area, including Club Exotica, Love Underground, Erotic Playground, Friends & Lovers, ISTA, Pleasure & Carsten’s Temples, Shanti’s Temples, Sham’s Temples, Starry’s Temples, Enki’s Temples, The Love Party, Burning Man, Elina’s Co-loving Blue Lotus events, and many more!

The theme, “𝐆R𝐈N𝐃 𝐖I𝐓H M𝐄!” invites guests to dive into their most sensuous selves and meet each other fully, body and soul, on the dance floor.

✨ WHAT IS A SECOND BASE PARTY?

A Second Base event is a fun dance event where light sensual s*xy play is welcome. Loosely taken from the "bases" learned in high school (at least in the US), second base is any fun playful interactions with other (flirty, seductive, hot, exhibitionistic). Of course, you and your friends don't have to do anything special (other than follow our agreements). Our events are much like a buffet where you can choose from a myriad of possibilities.

A Second Base party is also a place to contribute your gifts and learn to connect with those you are attracted to (and politely to the ones you are not), push your edges and boundaries, and a place to practice saying "no, but..." or "yes, and..." as you interact with others creatively!

If you find yourself wanting to "get" something from the party—rather than contributing and receiving in response to that contribution, along with playing with boundaries (stretching them, respecting them, holding them, and sharing them)—then this party is likely not for you. Also, even though the lineup for a specific party might be totally awesome and you may just want to dance, you have to expect that this is the sort of event where you will be approached by people wanting to connect and play (which might look like getting flirted with, appreciated, complimented, etc).

All in all, while Second Base parties are light and playful and easy to dive into, they are definitely not for everyone. If you're not absolutely sure, please reach out to Philippe (WhatsApp preferred +14155050786) or email us [email protected] and we'll be delighted to help you feel into this.

More details here: https://t.ly/ZkQ1p

✨ TESTIMONIALS

“I don't use the word Epic much... matter of fact the only other time I've used it was to describe Midsummer Night’s Wet Dream last year!“

"In Club Exotica, you are transported into such a luxurious and decadent scene you may almost feel you don't deserve it. So remind yourself that of course you deserve it, because you are fun, s*xy, and beautiful!"

“In celebration we are united, and I go on now in my life to spread the love and joy that was shown to me at this Midsummer weekend! purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. In LOVE, LIGHT, and the deepest gratitude ♥“

"Never seen anything like it! Awesome!!"

“Love the cool water, warmth on my skin from the sun and gazing at beautiful bodies surrounding me. I feel outside of myself, my daily job. I am able to be the person in my dreams who smiles and talks and flirts with those around me. I love who I am at midsummer, love love love“

"Wonderful, fun, amazing party! Thank you!"

“I'm smiling sitting at a coffee shop reminiscing about last weekend... What a wonderful dream. I love you all :-)“

✨ JOIN US ON MARCH 29!

Ready to embark on this playful night with us? We would ✨love✨ to have you!

Read the full details here:
www.clubexoticapresents.com

Get your tickets here:
https://grindwithme2025.eventbrite.com

Don’t wait! This event will sell out!

A new year, a new you! Join us for this amazing exploration of sacred s*xuality in community, learn to be a powerful sov...
04/01/2025

A new year, a new you! Join us for this amazing exploration of sacred s*xuality in community, learn to be a powerful sovereign human, and deepen your connection to your authentic self!

Can’t wait to dance in the mystery of love with you!

Cheers,
Philippe

—————

”ISTA offered me an opportunity and a space to shake up free up and escape into a reality of truth and honesty. I am now stepping, aware, present and brave towards the most important change that will ever happen to me.”

✨🌴 ISTA LEVEL 1 in COSTA RICA - FEB 19-25 🇨🇷❤️ A 7 DAYS JOURNEY INTO SACRED S3XUALITY IN COMMUNITY!

Details: https://bit.ly/3YO9V0d

Join me for the next ISTA Level 1 in Costa Rica in just 6 weeks at a beautiful retreat center near La Fortuna on the Arenal Volcano.

Whats is ISTA?

Thousands of humans from all over the world have discovered sovereignty, consent, empowerment, healing, and so much more via the many curriculums brought forth by ISTA and the members of the organism/organization behind it. And, over the years, ISTA too has evolved to become more attuned, caring, considerate, and trauma informed through fine-tuning consent, offering mediation, creating accountability processes, and improving internal communication for the organization, as well as adding integration tools courses to support participants after coming to our trainings.

ISTA is also a s*x-positive transformational spiritual retreat, a tribe, and an organization. Over the years, ISTA has grown to become an group of 100+ organizers/teachers as well as a tribe of over 10,000 people from all over the world who know and recognize each other by the ISTA retreats they have been to: Level 1, Level 2, Level 3, Living Level 1, Practitioner Training, Tribal Gatherings, and many adjunct retreats and gatherings such as the ReMenBer Brotherhood Journey which I co-founded some years back.

For many of us, ISTA feels like an affinity group within larger and more diverse s*x-positive groups and festivals, offering a sense of safety, coherence, and shared values in a world which may at first glance seem to lack such things.

After having done 32+ ISTA retreats (since i organize them), I can honestly speak to what they offer and also what their limitations are, and offer a solid perspective on whether they would be a good fit for you!

So let me know if you’re curious or if you have questions, and I will be delighted to chat with you.

It will be led by Niten Dhyan who is a sweetest yet clear Lead facilitator, along with Briana Cribeyer, and Diana Prem Shakti.

The venue is one of the most beautiful and connected location I’ve seen, the food is incredible, and the participants will be from all over the world! Plus many of the community of people living there have done the training and support ISTA!

In other words, this will be a beautiful discovery and exciting time to explore healing and s*xuality in community.

Feel free to DM me with questions, concerns, or anything you need!

For more info, pictures, testimonials, go to:
https://ista.life/events/la-fortuna-costa-rica-ista-level-1-feb-2025

Some testimonials of people who have been to this training:

a journey

This journey has been an amazing experience that really shifted the way I feel about myself. Learning to integrate the male and female part within myself and see everybody else as both parts gives me a new way to approach others. After the training I really feel the way to honour and stand up for myself, while remaining on touch with physical and emotional body and the sweetness within it. what a journey, what a change, I don’t even want to go back to the way before Thanks for providing this beautiful journey with its deep insights and enormous skills.

no stories

There are no stories I can tell to describe this journey. Imagine you are an ocean with deep waters full of terrifying creatures. You close your eyes and jump in all the way to the bottom. As you come up through the ocean you encounter all these scary things and realize that they aren’t what you thought they were. You hold your breath and trust you will make it through. When you emerge from the depths you realize a beautiful, powerful creature awaits you. And that creature is you.

gratitude

I am very grateful for all the different processes I went through this week, each one was profoundly transformative, the team provided me the loving safe space to let go of some very old and deep wounds.

empowerment

ISTA training is of an essential nature. It takes the journey of a human experience into the perspective of healthy empowered being, it offers tools that allow you to heal your body and emotions and therefore enables participants to claim their birth right to truly live life.

an opportunity

ISTA offered me an opportunity and a space to shake up free up and escape into a reality of truth and honesty. It’s a journey I took with abundance of teachers that showed me the way into myself, the real me, my real body, my true pleasure. It made me find ways to beat the fears and illusions awake and realise they are there, it it poured for me a pavement to walk steady on, towards the encounter with myself. ISTA took me with many other and put us in a container, shook that container up again and again, and let us find what was shed, and what was left in each and every one of us. I am now stepping, aware, present and brave towards the most important change that will ever happen to me.

a call in the heart

If you feel a call in your heart to attend this training then go for it… yes, your mind will come up with all kinds of struggles and fears.. but still trust your heart and go for it. It is not just another seminar that fills you with information, but it will touch you deeply within your very soul and then the healing takes place.. a healing from the source, such a sacred place… take the chance and do it for yourself .. for your life!

boundless lessons

There are boundless lessons to take with me from this experience, but perhaps the most precious for me in this moment was to witness the creation of Sacred Space; space where all is held sacred and safe; space without judgement; space made from love. I truly feel that I can carry this with me and recreate it anywhere I want or need. Thank you!

GROWING THE BODY OF YOUR POWER As a leader, the piece about attunement, care, consideration is a tricky one, as the larg...
17/12/2024

GROWING THE BODY OF YOUR POWER

As a leader, the piece about attunement, care, consideration is a tricky one, as the larger your group/community becomes the harder it is to engage well and personally with everyone in it.

This is the problem of "scaling", ie growing engagement with something bigger than you as a leader can handle alone without support (human, structural, or electronic/AI/etc)

In a way, scaling leadership precedes (in history) all forms of scaling business, as managing a growing business does mean being in a leadership position within the organization you own.

And while machines don't care about how you manage them, humans very much do.

There are usually humans inside of the organization (helping you manage your business) and outside (your customers/participants/clients/etc), and each need to be engaged with differently.

The humans inside your organization often want to feel a sense of belonging and know that their contribution is welcomed, supportive of the organization, and that they are otherwise part of something meaningful. This is usually much more of a relational engagement between you and those who you manage/influence/direct and in many/most cases, pay.

The humans outside, on the other hand, want *something* meaningful (to them) in exchange for the resources they give you (usually money). The relationship is much more transactional, however if you are also inviting them to become part of a "movement" of some kind, they will also desire this belonging to also feel meaningful.

In both cases, at different degrees, you will be required to engage with more people than you can humanly engage meaningfully with, and if you try, once you cross beyond a certain number of people, you will inevitably fail.

This is because there are hard limits to how much you can engage meaningfully with individual humans in a way that you'll be able to maintain later. Inevitably, as you meet and go deeper with new humans, previous connections will receive less communication and maintenance and you'll find yourself focusing and giving attention on the relationships that feel better, and more current in your life.

Dunbar did research about this, leading to the idea of the Dunbar number which is around 150-200, which expresses the number of 3D human faces we can recognize and associated humans we tend to maintain relationships with. Beyond this, there's another dunbar number which is the number of 2D faces we can recognize and remember (and I imagine have some kind of loose relationship with), which is around 5000.

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Crossing to the other side: Where only archetypes can go.

Growing in power can often feel like a kind of "magic": something of ourselves clearly grows as indicated by how far our influence can be felt and affect outcomes while our body and capacity remains the same.

However, as this "body" develops and allows us to manage and impact more and more people, a few interesting things happen:

1. It begins to shape us as we attempt to shape it.

There's something about holding an archetype that can have a corrosive effect on our personality as it gives us more power: it also corrupts us, allowing us to feel less empathy. Dasher Keltner in his book The Power Paradox, speaks of his groundbreaking research around this.

2. It begins to fades at the edges

As we project our role, intentions, purpose, and other expressions of our power far and wide, this power begins to fade at the edges, causing us to need to maintain it with more and more expressions, some of which are more long standing, such as media that can be searched for online (books, articles, video, courses, etc), some of which a short standing and rely on felt/embodied experiences stored in memory (live courses, events, experiences, etc)

3. It begins to get corrupted by others.

If there's one thing that we know about reputation is this: it takes time to build, and it takes no time at all for it to be destroyed by others.

Reputation is the effect of the "body" of our power has on those it touches, and becomes people's impression of us. This of course can be highly manipulated by anyone (including us) to shift how we are perceived. Public Relations in a company or as a role, aka PR, is strictly to shift this perception for the better, or in comparison to others. Slander and defamation is specifically aimed at impacting reputation and perception for the worse.

The Challenge of Developing a Body Larger Than Our Own:

As we grow and develop our power, it becomes crucial that we evolve our methods of operating in order to be able to remain accessible to those we are directly engaging with (internally to our organization) in a way that is meaningful to them, as well as those we are engaging with more indirectly via our offerings (outside of our organization) in a way that is also meaningful to them, while allowing us to remain who we are in a way that is, too, meaningful.

Some of the ways we can grow our power with those we work with internally:

- Regular/genuine invitations for feedback, and showing how this feedback is received well and is taken to heart, and repairing when it is the right thing to do.
- Rewarding those who invest to serve our organization
- Maintaining an "open door policy" with regards to conversations about the areas we (in our leadership role) manage
- Showing attunement, care, and consideration commensurate with our role power, status, and personal power
- Showing benevolence (the way we care based on our role) towards those down power from us
- Showing that we abide by a code of conduct and standards of behavior that is compatible with our own values, the values of the organization, and the values of the communities/culture around us.
- Sharing our values, our commitment, our purpose, our mission, what we care about, what we feel is meaningful and what matters most so that it can be felt by those inside our organization so that they can align/synergize/collaborate with us on the shared reality/co-creation of this organization.

Some of the ways we can grow our power with those we engage through our offerings externally:

- Offering products and services that meet our customers/clients/participants where they need it the most, and avoiding harm and reducing risk wherever possible ("duty of care").
- Screening customers/clients/participants who aren't a good match for what we have to offers.
- Being accessible to personal engagement whenever possible and realistic.
- Regular/genuine invitations for feedback, and showing how this feedback is received well and is taken to heart, and repairing when it is the right thing to do. Or when the external group is too big, setting up a feedback form that is reviewed and supported by a more neutral third party.
- Showing attunement, care, and consideration commensurate with our role power, status, and personal power towards those outside our organization.
- Showing benevolence (the way we care based on our role) towards those outside our organization.
- Showing that we abide by a code of conduct and standards of behavior that is compatible with our own values, the values of the organization, and the values of the communities/culture around us, and expressing this in personal engagements towards those outside of our organization.
- Sharing our values, our commitment, our purpose, our mission, what we care about, what we feel is meaningful and what matters most so that it can be felt by those outside our organization.

As you can see, some of the methods of creating and maintaining the body of our power and necessary and work both internally AND externally. These tend to be the methods that are most closely connected to human connection which every human will need to feel good about when we engage with them personally.

What are your thoughts, feelings, and opinions as you read the piece above? What comes up for you? What do you disagree with?

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

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Reclaiming Sovereignty

For 20 years, Philippe Lewis has dedicated himself to supporting people in their growth towards sovereignty and creating events and learning environments that invite participants to step into their full sensuality, and claim greater power and sovereignty around their erotic desires and boundaries.

Philippe started by co-producing Mystic Temple of Bliss in Oakland, a sensual event that aimed to serve as a crossroads for the Bay Area EDM, underground performer, and ta**ra community. These events brought together hundreds of participants in an exploration of intimacy, relationships, and s*xuality.

When Philippe united with his life partner and future-wife Paget, part of their relationship involved innovating the concept of “2nd-base parties” —erotic events focused on non-s*xual touch and play, making them accessible to a wider audience.

Starting in 2009, Philippe began co-creating Club Exotica, large private s*xual gatherings and public 2nd-base parties at some of the hottest and biggest clubs in San Francisco, including the legendary Supperclub, The Upper Floor at The Armory, and 1015 Folsom. He also began co-producing events with SF underground erotic party promoters Masquerotica.