Kiersten Dyer Photography

21/04/2022

10/02/2022

10/10/2019

World Mental Health Day ❤️
Contact me if you would like to be a part of the PERSIST project.

People expect you to have things under control by the time you have your fourth child. You should already know how to juggle the children, the laundry, keeping a clean house, cooking dinner, and everything else in life. You shouldn’t need help.
Our son, our fourth child, was born at home in early spring. He was everything that he was supposed to be. He was chubby and soft and sweet. I loved him immediately and intensely. He was the final missing piece in our family puzzle.
//
I didn’t know at first that something was wrong. I just knew that everything was hard. Even the smallest responsibilities or situations felt intensely overwhelming. I constantly felt like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t handle the kids without feeling irrational rage, and simple things like getting dinner on the table every night felt impossible. And this sweet little new baby that I adored so much...he would cry constantly, insist on being held all day, and it seemed like he never let me sleep. I would think of different ways to just be done with him, while at the same time having intense anxiety thinking of detailed horrible things that might happen to him. I fantasized about driving away and not looking back.
//
Our son was 4 months old when I finally admitted to myself and then to my husband that something wasn’t right. I tried to treat it with “natural” methods first, but I was still tremendously struggling. The rage was what finally convinced me to ask my doctor about medication. Sometimes I didn’t even know what I was angry about, but I couldn’t stop feeling angry. It was chaos in my head. My children and my husband deserved more than I was able to give them. So I started on an antidepressant.
//
I felt like I was spinning out of control, and the medication gave me something to hold on to. It didn’t fix me, but it gave me a foothold in the climb. It gave me the chance to take a breath, even when I was drowning. Medication helped me to feel like I had a chance to be me again.
//
I still struggle with mental illness, even 3 years after having our youngest child. Postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety turned into plain old depression and anxiety. I see a psychiatrist to manage my medication and now see a therapist every two weeks. I have good days and I have bad days. But, overall, I am happy. I feel supported. And I am ready to share my story and the stories of women like me.

21/05/2019

"Although I had a long and traumatic labor, motherhood seemed to come naturally to me. I healed quickly, lost the weight fast, and had no difficulty breastfeeding. My daughter rarely cried, was happy almost all the time, and slept through the night from 1 month. It would seem that I had it made.

But there was a dark side. I experienced two terrifying events within the first 8 weeks of her life. The first was when my car keys malfunctioned and locked her in the car alone with my phone on an August morning. Thanks to some perfect strangers, she was out in ten minutes. I couldn't help thinking how much worse it could have been. The second was when I woke up one morning and found her not breathing. I had to shake her to get her to start breathing again.

That was the one that broke me. I ordered a breathing monitor immediately, and while I waited for it to arrive, I insisted that my husband and I sleep in shifts so someone was up to monitor her at all times. Even after I started using the monitor, I would wake up panicked multiple times a night to make sure she was breathing, even shaking her awake so I could be extra sure. When we drove, I would reach around to feel her breathing in her carseat. I always had a route to the nearest hospital mapped out in my mind in case something happened.

My mom finally asked me if there was something going on. I tried to explain it away but I knew it wasn't normal. My midwives recommended a therapist, and she diagnosed me with postpartum anxiety caused by PTSD.

Thanks to the hard work we put in in therapy, I have very few panic attacks anymore, and I don't constantly map out routes to the hospital. I still struggle though. I believe it's turning into regular anxiety, and it's something I'll have to deal with. But I truly enjoy being a mother now, and I'm able to deal with my anxiety from a position of strength from what I learned in therapy. If anything comes my way, I'll handle it as I always have."

21/05/2019

"Through 2 pregnancies in 2 years, including my eldest being stillborn, I experienced postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD, and psychosis.
My first daughter, Diana, was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 and stillborn at 24 weeks. I was prescribed anti-depressants, but never took them. It was a personal choice for me to work through my pain without medication, and I ended up recovering from everything in a couple of weeks. A few months later, I fell pregnant with my daughter, Audrey Faye. Her pregnancy was rough, and despite her being born early, she was healthy and happy from day 1. She is now 13 months old and the absolute light of my life.

My body changed a lot after I had Audrey, and that lead to my mental state being a little shaky. Between the depression, anxiety, OCD, and psychosis, I felt strain in every aspect of my life. It was terrifying to feel like I was losing who I was as a person. I didn't feel like me.

I’ve been on medication for 14 months now and finally feel like myself again. I’m happy for the first time in almost 8 years and it feels amazing! My daughter is the love of my life, my husband is my biggest supporter, and my church has become like my family. Looking back, I can't believe the amount of pain I was in- but I survived! I love the woman I am now and I’m excited to continue to grow into a happier, healthier human ❤"

21/05/2019

"I have had struggles with mental health before; however, there is no preparing for postpartum depression. I tried to pretend I was fine for about 3 weeks, my husband saw right through that-thankfully. My doctor asked “any problems of postpartum depression?” “Well doc this is my first baby so what exactly should I look for?!” I lied, the first time and the second time. “No, I'm fine.” That's what I kept saying, I was far from it. I wouldn't leave the house, I barely ate, I wouldn't let anyone hold MY baby not even my husband. I just wanted to be left alone, I wanted to disappear all together. The only person I somewhat let in was my husband, he didn't give me a choice on that. Its different for all moms, first time or fourth time. Yes, I had anxiety and depression before I got pregnant and had my daughter, but nothing is the same after post partum. I'm two years postpartum and I'm still climbing my way up sometimes; especially when I'm in public and my child is being a maniac I feel like a terrible parent. Those days when nothing is going right, you are covered in “something” sticky, the house is a mess and you just want to cry-it's okay, you are a great mom, the house can wait, love that little one and look for the sun in the darkest days. It does come back out."

29/09/2018

Congratulations Kat and Tony on one week of marriage! ☺️
I am so grateful for this awesome couple allowing me to be a part of their special day. These two can sure throw a party!!

10/10/2017

PERSIST; A Mental Health Project.

In honor of World Mental Health Day, I am finally launching this project that I have been working on for several months now. While doing this project, I have been able to meet some amazing women with amazing stories. All of these women have had some kind of experience with postpartum mental illness, including myself. Please take a few moments to look through the albums and read each woman's personal story.

Feel free to share your own story as well

10/10/2017

"Out of work for 6 weeks, swollen and grossly overweight, confined to our little apartment alone with my baby with no one to socialize with, no way to catch a break. Just me and my baby, who cried, pooped, and wanted to nurse so much i spent all my time trying to comfort him, changing him, and feeding him. This is how it started. Postpartum depression was like living in a black and white world. No bright happy colors and sunshine. Just shades of bland, boring gray. I felt so trapped, tethered to my baby, to the couch or bed because I couldn't do anything else while he nursed. I couldn't go anywhere without him even if anyone offered to watch him because I was breastfeeding and couldn't produce enough extra to make a single bottle. The only thought that got me through each day was that this day is only for a day. Tomorrow will be one day closer to things getting better. I just kept doing everything I had to do to take care of my baby and myself, and took each day as it came. Eventually he didn't need to nurse as often, and I was able to go back to work, but I constantly struggled with supply issues, which were magnified by my depression. My anxiety increased my supply issues. My baby's teething increased my anxiety and kept my nerves raw. A year later, I still struggle with the depression and anxiety but it comes and goes now, and I just do what I have to do to get through the grey days so I can make it to the bright ones. Postpartum depression doesn't mean I'm a lesser woman or a worse mother. It means I'm human and I brought a life into this world and my body and mind are still adjusting. Every grey day I get through is an accomplishment and a testament to my strength. Postpartum depression doesn't change my love for my baby. It's just something I have to get through to the other side, and I will."

10/10/2017

"I remember going to my first ultra sound ever. Both my husband and I were over joyed to be expecting our 1st child. Our would be came crashing down when we heard " I'm sorry but there is no heart beat"!
This started our 5 year journey to have a family. Once you've hear those words your world changes and it will never be the same. Now every time you go for a visit it's not all smiles and rainbows. You go hoping to not hear those words. " I'm sorry there is no heart beat"
For me being pregnant after a loss is extremely difficult. There is constant fear and anxiety. Is today the day I find out he didn't make it?
Our 4th pregnancy was the hardest. Our son was born sleeping at 23 weeks. How do you say goodbye to your child???
This is where the ptsd really kicked in. Constantly waking up to make sure my husband was alive. Going over and over again what could I have done differently?
At 31 weeks we got to meet our only living child. He was so tiny at just a little over 2lbs. He spent 7 weeks in the nicu so that was difficult both mentally and physically. He is now almost 2 and doing fantastic! I know I'm a little over protective of him and can really only relax while in the safety of our on home. I'm always paranoid sometimes is going to happen to him. I hope as he gets older he understand."

10/10/2017

10/10/2017

"Oh hey depression, my old friend. You’ve been around since childhood. You’re the nagging weight that I can’t seem to shake. Sometimes, you’re an unbearable weight, one I can’t imagine ever being able to get out from others. Other times, you’re simply the inability to take a deep breathe, a mere nuisance. But, I’d learned to manage you. We coexisted. More often than not, there was happy. Enter miscarriage. I lost me. I lost every since of self I had. Very few people, to this day, know it happened. I hid it, in fear or shame, I’m not sure. But again, depression had me. Through months, of pain, prayer and suffering, I found Joy again, through the Lord. A gift that wasn’t of myself. In appreciation of that joyfulness, I was again blessed with a pregnancy. All of the fear of loss was so strong. The depression raged again. Back to fighting what had always plagued me, but he brought a terrible friend. Anxiety. Crippling anxiety that could only be stopped by medicine that simply made me sleep and removed me from life. Nothing that actually helped. A rough pregnancy, with a lot of sickness and pain, only added to my depression and anxiety. But I did find the joy in the life growing inside of me. I had the moments of hope and excitement. I struggled, but I persisted. Since the birth of my precious boy, there have been so many moments of joy. They are all around. I can and do find them. My buddy depression is around, but I keep him at bay. The anxiety is still here, an unwelcome “gift” that chooses to come and go as it pleases. Usually with no rhyme or reason, making it hard for those who love me most to understand. Sometimes it comes with an anger that’s almost embarrassing. An impatience out of fear of the unknown. And while sometimes, it does control me, with each day I’m learning how to tame it. I have my faith, and I’m assured in the hope of Jesus. I have family that loves me, and after a lifelong struggle maintaining relationships, amazing friends that have my back, that I can be honest and real. Even when I FEEL the bad, I KNOW the good, and choosing Joy is in that knowledge. I need other women, other moms to know, the way you’re feeling is real. It’s not silly. It’s not just hormones. You don’t need to ashamed. It’s ok to not be ok. Choose joy when you can, and lean on those who love you when you can’t. One pebble at a time is how you move mountains."

10/10/2017

"The birth of a child. It should be the happiest time of your life, right?! Especially for my husband and I! After 2 years of infertility treatments our miracle IUI baby was finally here! It took 36 hours of labor for an emergency C-Section but he was here and we were both healthy, or so I thought. For me, my PPD started in the hospital. As a new Mom I struggled to breastfeed and I didn’t realize I could just tell them to bring me formula. I was told to just keep trying. After 24 hours of my child not eating, and screaming in our faces, I started to go down the PPD rabbit hole. As soon as we got home, I didn’t want him. I felt like I made the biggest mistake of my life and I wanted to run away. That’s when I knew I had a problem. It’s scary. To not be able to control your thoughts. To want to just leave in the middle of the night. To wish the car would just hit you and cause only you injury so you could escape. Then add guilt and anxiety attacks. You know you need help. You want to be happy. You want to enjoy this time you desperately waited for, but it’s impossible. The darkness swallowed you whole. Eventually I came to the point of possible self harm. That’s when I knew I needed more help then just my therapist. She helped me find the UNC Perinatal Psychiatric Unit. I spent 10 days there. It was the best thing I could have ever done. I still had a long way to go but this visit allowed me to connect with other moms in the same situation. I was surrounded by a support group of doctors and therapists who specialize in perinatal mood disorders. I didn’t feel so alone anymore. After 1 year of PPD, I feel that I’m almost to where I want to be. It’s a very long, excruciating battle. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to feel how you feel. You’re NOT crazy. You don’t have to hide it. Find your support group either family, friends, Facebook groups, local support groups, anything. Whatever you feel is a safe place for you to express yourself. There will be several times you want to give up. Don’t. You don’t know how you could possibly survive this, your family will be so much better without you. It’s not true. None of it is. Having PPD DOES NOT make you a bad mom! You’re not alone! You WILL get through this"

10/10/2017

Post Partum.

There is something very real that is often skimmed over in the baby books you spend hours reading, and its post partum depression/anxiety.
My pregnancy was rough. I was high risk, and put on bedrest at 13 weeks. Combine that with having a partner who was physically abusive- and it wasn't a good situation.
After delivering my bright blue eyed baby boy, being a new mom I didnt know what to expect, but I constantly had a fear of what if something went wrong and I couldn't save him. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without taking him with me, because what if he cried and I didn't get to him fast enough. I was so consumed in the what it's that I lost myself. Friends told me I looked ghost like, with an ashen face and I was often unkempt.
The night before I realized I had a problem. I remember sitting in my floor holding my baby and bawling like someoene just ran over my dog - because I was five minutes late on pumping. I felt like I was a failure and I would never be able to properly take care of this small human if I couldn't even remember to set a timer so I could pump milk for him. And what was even worse was the hints of resentment I had for having to set a schedule and pump for him.

After talking to my doctor I learned PPD/PPA is very common, and even more so when you have high risk pregnancies. I started medication, but also found groups of women with similar issues to support each other. The medicine and support got me to the point of where I am proud of motherhood, and have a strong healthy bond with my son.

10/10/2017

"Post Partum Depression that I didn't think was real. I thought it was something that mommies just had in their heads because they were so tired from childbirth. I had NO idea that it could last for weeks or even months! I was clueless to its despair and dark hold it has on moms who are scared to come forward and face insensitive people like me... or who I used to be. I thought PPD was an excuse for sympathy and attention... That was what I USED to think ... until PPD hit me hard after the birth of my firstborn. Oh, how the tables have turned! Now, whenever a newborn mom shows the littlest sign of PPD, I'm ALL over her because I remember how it was for me. It was like a dark cloud descended over my world and I couldn't see day anymore. I remember thinking, "What's WRONG with me??! Why do I feel this way? There's no reason for me to feel this way!"

But that's the thing- PPD isn't logical. It isn't brought on because something terrible has happened. It's just the opposite - it comes because something wonderful has happened, and now Satan wants to do everything in his power to destroy it by turning our own bodies against us!

I could not be left alone with my son after he was born- it was too dangerous for him to be around me, and that REALLY scared me. I had frightening thoughts and urges to throw his helpless body over the banister. Dark. Thoughts. The realization of the thought even flashing through my mind sent me into tears of despair. How could I even think of doing that to someone who I love so much and just gave life to???

Hormones have everything to do with PPD. We go through an incredible high during childbirth, and then, just like that, they bottom out... literally. No one knows how long the bottom-dwelling continues because it's different for every mom. Mine lasted about 11 weeks. Thankfully, my husband saw the signs and pointed them out to me because I was too proud to admit that I might be suffering from something that I didn't believe to be real.

I had to face the reality that my body and emotions were screaming despair even though I had every reason to be happy. That's when I found Joy in two forms actually. First, I found the true joy of the Lord. I buried myself in Psalm 23. It became my ROCK from which I could not be moved. Even though my emotions were screaming for death, "The LORD is my Shepherd" would ring through my thoughts and give me peace. The thing I learned from PPD is that even though my emotions are going crazy, my thoughts don't have to. I ran to the Bible. That's where I found solace for my mind when it was so confused about my emotions.

The second Joy I found is actually an essential oil blend made by Young Living Essential Oils. It is specifically formulated to target the frequencies in our brains that produce negative emotions. To top it off, it is also designed to help support hormones. Double win! Joy oil helped curb my emotions when they were screaming the loudest.

I'm a big believer in speaking out about PPD. It is real. It is scary. No, you are not a terrible mom. Yes, this is normal, and yes, there are still people who believe like I did that it's only a figment of your imagination. I learned to come forward and surround myself with people who cared about me and my family. It was a long dark road, but I'm glad I went through, and just like He promises "though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, do not fear: I AM with you!""

10/10/2017

"I've been diagnosed with mental illness, but I like to refer to myself as highly emotional. I think we all deal with pain, but some better than others, due to different circumstances, and depending on the day. We have to remember to take care of ourselves, and it's ok to ask for help."

10/10/2017

People expect you to have things under control by the time you have your fourth child. You should already know how to juggle the children, the laundry, keeping a clean house, cooking dinner, and everything else in life. You shouldn’t need help.
Our son, our fourth child, was born at home in early spring. He was everything that he was supposed to be. He was chubby and soft and sweet. I loved him immediately and intensely. He was the final missing piece in our family puzzle.
//
I didn’t know at first that something was wrong. I just knew that everything was hard. Even the smallest responsibilities or situations felt intensely overwhelming. I constantly felt like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t handle the kids without feeling irrational rage, and simple things like getting dinner on the table every night felt impossible. And this sweet little new baby that I adored so much...he would cry constantly, insist on being held all day, and it seemed like he never let me sleep. I would think of different ways to just be done with him, while at the same time having intense anxiety thinking of detailed horrible things that might happen to him. I fantasized about driving away and not looking back.
//
Our son was 4 months old when I finally admitted to myself and then to my husband that something wasn’t right. I tried to treat it with “natural” methods first, but I was still tremendously struggling. The rage was what finally convinced me to ask my doctor about medication. Sometimes I didn’t even know what I was angry about, but I couldn’t stop feeling angry. It was chaos in my head. My children and my husband deserved more than I was able to give them. So I started on an antidepressant.
//
I felt like I was spinning out of control, and the medication gave me something to hold on to. It didn’t fix me, but it gave me a foothold in the climb. It gave me the chance to take a breath, even when I was drowning. Medication helped me to feel like I had a chance to be me again.
//
I still struggle with mental illness, even 3 years after having our youngest child. Postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety turned into plain old depression and anxiety. I see a psychiatrist to manage my medication and now see a therapist every two weeks. I have good days and I have bad days. But, overall, I am happy. I feel supported. And I am ready to share my story and the stories of women like me.