The worst day of my life, the day my life was turned upside down, a day i will never forget. I had been to my GP the day before as i felt a hard area in my breast. After examining me she organised a mammogram and ultrasound for the following day. Walking to the car feeling a little anxious as she said it felt nasty, i tried to put it to the back of my mind. I went home and told my husband and girl
s and they offered to go with me but i said, "its just a test, ill be fine". Driving myself to my appointment wishing i had taken someone with me to take my mind of things. Then in to have the ultrasound. Asking the radiographer if it was as bad as my doctor thought, she hesitated before saying that it was hard to tell as i still had a lot of dense breast tissue. I knew she couldn't tell me anything but i was just anxious. While getting dressed, the radiographer came in and said that my GP was on the phone and wanted to talk with me. Following her into a room where the doctor was that examined the films, he introduced himself and passed the phone to me. My doctor said, "I have just had a talk with the doctor there and its not good news". She then went on to say she was going to organise a surgeon and asked me to go and see her. I remember the room spinning, tears rolling down my face, all i could say to my doctor was "okay". I looked at the doctor there and asked, "Am i going to die?" He looked at me and replied, "hopefully not". While waiting for the films i went outside to try and clear my head. I sat down thinking jesus i have cancer, what am i going to do? I could barely breathe and it felt like i was going to vomit. Looking at my phone i had text messages and missed calls. Who was i going to call? I wanted to desperately call my husband but didnt want to upset him at work. I called my girlfriend as i knew she was at home. All i could get out was "Ive got cancer". I cant even remember what she said except that she wanted to come and get me. She calmed me down but was still worried that i would be driving to the doctor which would take about 50 minutes. I assured her i would be okay. I got into my car and started crying uncontrollably for a few minutes. I gathered my thoughts and said "You can do this girl, you have to". Shaking like crazy, i started the car and heard the song 'Send me an angel, send me an angel right now' - a song that i remember from when i was younger. Was that a sign that everything was going to be okay? I believe so. Driving along, things running through my head, what sort of cancer is it? How advanced is it? are my girls going to have a mother anymore? What about my husband? How could this be happening to me? My life was perfect and i cant die.. While driving, another girlfriend rang and i told her. As i hung up i remember thinking god how is that girl going to concentrate in her uni lectures that she was about to go into? When my daughter phoned, i told her i was going to see the doctor then i spoke to my husband and asked him to meet me up at the doctors. I didnt say anything about my cancer. I couldnt tell them on the phone. Sitting in the surgery, my husband came in and sat beside me on the lounge. I hugged him crying as i whispered, "I have got cancer babe". I felt secure as he held me in his arms not letting me go until i was called in. Our doctor explained that i had a lobular cancer that had spread to my lymph nodes. She explained that its a sneaky cancer as it doesnt present as a lump and moves about. She had organised my surgeon, blood tests and a chest x-ray straight away. I had these tests done. Feeling numb and scared we headed home. Telling my girls wasnt easy but i wanted to involve them as much as they wanted to be. I knew they were strong and would wan to be with me through all of this. I was honest and told them everything i knew, they asked questions which i couldnt answer. I spent the weekend visiting friends and family, telling them my news before i went into surgery, as my doctor told me that things would move very fast and boy was she right. Tuesday morning at 7:15am we were at the specialist. My great support team of my hubby and 3 girls went in while we spoke about the cancer. He took some biopsy's of the mass and some nodes confirming what we already knew. My surgery was booked for a weeks time. I had to have a mastectomy and auxillary clearance. We met the breast cancer care nurse who explained some other stuff and organised my C.T scan and bone scan to see if the cancer had spread anywhere else. It made it a huge 12 hour day having these tests done, driving from place to place getting dye's injected and drinking lovely cocktails they make you drink. Everyone commented on what a big support team i had as we entered every place. They were all so good and spoke not only to me but to all of us which made everyone feel involved. My husband and girls were very patient that day. Even though it was a long day we still managed to laugh along the way.The next few days were spent organising things before my operation and catching up with some friends. The day arrived for my operation and i left home with my support team plus my bestie. We were at the hospital before i knew it. I was feeling a lot of mixed emotions but i knew i was in good hands. After admission and getting into my sexy theatre gown we went up to my ward. I was next on the list. I got tucked into bed and kissed my wonderful team before entering the theatre lift. As i arrived into theatre, i met the rest of my medical team that were going to assist in my operation. Next i fell asleep and woke in recovery. Pain under control as im pushing that button, well i think i am, got to love them good drugs. I was greeted in my room by all my lovelies that had been waiting for me. I dont remember a great deal, just that they were there for me. My surgeon came to see me and told me that the operation went well. All night the nurses were checking my wound, doing obs and were so good to me. My cannula came out that morning. Great. One less thing i was hooked up to. I was only left with these horrible drains. The theatre nurse that i met before my operation came to see me. She explained she was on the ward helping as theatre was quiet that day, and having been through the same thing 12 months ago, she wanted to help. Undressing my wounds she helped me shower, talking through her experience and ideas to help me. Part of me wanted to look at my wound and part of me didnt. She explained it was a normal feeling but the more i looked, the easier it would be. Lots of swelling and bruising and i dont really know what i think yet, it just feels like a dream and i just want to wake up. The pain wasnt as bad as i thought. The worst were the drains, the pulling sensation and the nerve pain from under my arm to my elbow. The next 8 days i remained in hospital. I was overwhelmed by the phone calls, messages, thoughts, gifts and the flowers everywhere in my room looked like a florist. The nurses were amazing. I could not have had better care anywhere else. Day 3 i came down with an infection. My wound started breaking down. My surgeon thinks this is due to a new type of stitches that he used. Finally home, still sore and not able to do much. Everyone says its my time, but thats hard for me as im not used to that and i love taking care of everyone else. A few days later fluid started building up and causing some discomfort. I went to the hospital and my specialist drained fluid that was building up from the infection. This went on for a few days before he made the decision that he wanted to operate again to clean the infection out and put drains back in. I booked in for the next day for the second operation, feeling upset like im going through this crap again and i am never going to get better. I just got on with it. I wasnt scared this time, just frustrated. I woke from my second operation feeling the same as the first time but just wanted all of this to be over. I stayed in hospital for 4 days on antibiotics. Different stitches were used this time and everything went well. Home again for round two. I have seen my oncologist who went through everything with us. 15 weeks of aggressive third generation chemotherapy. Then i have radiation after that, not sure how much until i see the radiologist in June. Next week a date will be made for my treatment to start. The though of my body being pumped with poison scares the crap out of me, but if its going to increase my chances of survival by 30% - im there. I long for my mum to be here so i could share my journey with her just like she shared with me. I know she is with me in spirit and would be very proud of me if she was here. I dont think i could have done this without the love and support of my husband, girls, family and friends. Each and every one of you have been truly amazing. My bestie has pampered me, spoilt me, taken me out and most of all, made me feel human again. I love you Jude! My family has seen me at my best and my worst, chauffered me around, taken on the simple daily chores that i would do, as well as their own. But most of all them being here and loving me, means the most. I want to have my life back again. I want to feel normal again, but it seems like normal life is a million miles away. I know i have a big journey ahead of me. This cancer might have knocked me over but im not going to let it beat me!!
-Sharyn
