08/01/2024
DUALITY
The last 93 days have been brutal
Living in my privilege in a colonised country watching the intentional annihilation of an indigenous people in real time on my phone in all it's graphic terror.
My neurodiversity sometimes makes it hard for me to find two truths simultaneously. How am I allowed to feel gratitude and at the same time, utter heartbreak. How can I go from smiling, laughing and holding the ones I love, how can I even allow myself that opportunity, when I know there are so many purely evil endeavours to destroy humanity completely and all for money.
My therapist has been working with me for the past 2 years on dwelling in the grey area. I'm a dialectic thinker, you see. It either is or it isn't and I feel it in my bones. My justice complex flares like anaphylaxis, thank you, autism + Libran sun.
As you might have noticed, I have been quite outspoken about my feelings towards the state of the world and it has distanced friends from my world, it has complicated my business presence online, resulting in direct monetary loss as certain clientele prefer to dwell and delusion and disassociation. I have been bombarded with abuse from previous clientele within the Jewish community, who have shamed me for my stance on human rights. And it has taken a toll, One that I do not wish to preface as I'm not looking to centre myself in this conflict but I am checking myself before I wreck myself as I have a tendency to feel so deeply. It ruins me.
We are all navigating this for the first time in our lives. We need to act with kindness and also protect ourselves when we are wearing thin. I didn't celebrate Christmas. I didn't put up a tree. I didn't give gifts. I was grateful for my privilege but I didn't even utter the words that rhyme with "ferry blissmas" I went away for the end of the year and the beginning of this new one, with ridiculously precious friends and honestly had the time of my life because I didn't pick up my phone and I didn't check in with the state of the world and I felt the deepest guilt and shame for doing so. It's not a fun conversation to bring up. It's an uncomfortable one but it's one I'm having again and again and again because