31/10/2024
Happy October 31st.
I generally write multiple times daily on seasons when the stars and moon align or so it seems because there are for sure dry spells where I can’t put nothing down on paper.
This is not the case at the moment. I am writing entries left and right and for the most part, I archive them for a # of reasons primarily because “It’s not ready yet” or “Whoa, I ventured way off than I intended”.
There are times when I can just feel from the first draft that it’s the right time to share.
Those are the ones y'all get to read and for the most part even in my chaoticness I stay within a nice tight point of view and I’m happy with the entry.
Today there are two of the same topic or experience, but written a couple days apart.
I wasn’t very content with the 1st draft. I felt it could have been elaborated better or I didn’t state some things I wanted.
So to the archive it went.
Last night I revisited the topic and produced another entry.
This morning I submitted both to my editor who gave me her feedback.
Entry #1
80% Awareness, 20% Sailing through with it
Entry #2
50% Awareness, 50% Still Gon’ Do It
Ultimately I decided to share both.
Part of the onset of this current inspiration for writing is because I can see it coming to fruition.
Whereas a couple years ago I wasn’t confident in my writing or comfortable sharing, (I’ve been writing for years) I can easily recognize that speed, vocabulary, style, etc have all improved, and gotten easier, by simply writing every day.
It’s a pretty cool cycle to experience.
With that said.
*ENTRY #1*
I’m a hypocrite.
There I said it.
Hipócrita. (Has more pizzazz in Spanish.)
I might as well be real about it. 💁🏽♂️
My take on just about anything is being an open book because
1. All things come to light.
2. Only God's opinion truly matters.
So I’m ok being a hypocrite if I know that’s what the Lord deems me.
Scarlet letter pan mih chest.
Why?
I renounced witchcraft y'all.
Brujería, dark, evil stuff.
And I loved it once. Truly immersed in all things macabre; I even did my fair share of evil-inspired shoots.
But things changed some years back.
Idk I just felt I couldn’t gel with it anymore.
I deleted my vast horror movie collection and TV series.
American Horror Story, all seasons, had terabytes of content. All in the trash. 🗑️
Books etc. gone!
I felt the world had glamorized and glorified evil enough to the point I saw it as beautiful in the sense that artists like Doja Cat did her last album based on an entire evil campaign.
Art.
Is it tho? 🤨
Or is it programming meant to normalize evil?
That’s how I felt after years of media consumption and adoration and studying.
I literally wanted to be a movie director, music videos, photographer... all because I was inspired by artist visuals.
But when you combine evil, witchcraft, etc. with art you promote its glory.
I got to know God.
Something within shifted and I saw it as perverse, not art anymore.
To the trash with it all and for a few years I was and remain pretty happy with this decision.
Until lately…
A series came about.
And I am ashamed to say I love it. Or let me rephrase. My flesh does.
But really that feels like a cop out because I feel it’s me. Not a separate part of me but me that enjoys it.
Despite knowing it's witchcraft prettied up...Disneyfied
I, Hernan, am a hypocrite.
I shall take it up thy creator and we go from there.
—
*ENTRY #2*
Happy October 31st!
Sooooo.
A couple of years ago...Actually, that’s inaccurate it’s been more than that.
A handful of years ago I went through something where I couldn’t sustain? Take in? Handle? I was having a difficult time “enjoying” dark-related content.
This was odd because I grew up on the macabre era. Dare I say, glorified it.
I had an extensive horror media collection. Halloween? Celebrated it in the sense that I loved all things evil, witchy and spooky.
Drawn to it if you will.
But I don’t know, something switched internally and this extended to even content that had killing, raw violence, etc. I found myself not enjoying it anymore.
Music-wise whereas I fully enjoyed lyrically dark stuff, I felt guilty listening to it and ultimately felt it wasn’t invoking the right energy I wanted. If anything, it was fully opening the door to things or a realm I rather not be a part of; or explore.
Without going deep into conspiracy theories. it’s pretty apparent to me that music, along with most media, is infiltrated in the sense that there are “hidden” agendas behind the production of mass media - be it movies, TV, music, and even books. 📖
And it’s not for the betterment of mankind. 😞
I ended up cleaning house and deleted all the things that I couldn’t gel with anymore.
Was I becoming more of a prude as I aged? Probably.
I even deleted Donna Summer’s “Hot Stuff” because I was trying to not listen to music that was promoting wh***ng about.
And for a good amount of years there, things were A-OK.
I didn’t look back.
Until recently, like a fungus, this drawing grew.
As silly as it sounds, I can easily pinpoint where it began.
Remember how I said you can open doors to things? That’s kinda the whole point of being a human, freedom of choice and whatnot. So annoying.
As a Marvel fan, I was lured into “Agatha All Along.”
On the surface it’s harmless. Disney after all.
But it’s a dark series; very witchy.
On one side I’m like it’s not that serious. I love a high-end production and the cast is amazing. So excited for the finale!
On the other hand, I’m well aware it’s a full-on witch series. Zero glorification for or of God. ☹️
Fully glorifying (and further normalizing) evil under the PG-13 guise. Cute.
Nah, paint it any way you want it’s evil! Just wrapped with a pretty purple bow and commercialized.
I’m in marketing. It’s genius. 💡 In mankind’s eyes and my mental capacity.
My soul is like “Yeah, this is the part where you’re supposed to display self-control and not give in to your flesh. … Oh, there you go, you are fully aware this is *EVIL* to take in and your smile couldn’t be any bigger as you watch and eat popcorn. 🍿 ”
My soul and I constantly clash or not always; only when I want to give my flesh whatever it wants - which is more times than I’d like to admit. 😩
Know what happened next?
Lady Gaga dropped a new song.
My flesh was gagged. It was fire. 🔥
Again, high-end production.
It’s called, ugh I don’t even wanna say the title cause it’s nasty technically. Doesn’t invoke anything good per se.
But alas! It was an earworm. I found myself replaying it over and over despite the dark undertones. 🌑
Despite how it made me feel.
Powerful, but not for the right side.
I knew the music video would be dark.
But I also knew or wanted it to be art like her previous work.
Of course it’s declared as art. It’s creative.
It’s also downright evil. The manifestation of it.
It’s amazing. It’s horrifying.
Torn within where I am and dare I say in this moment, in this dark light, I find myself giving in. It’s like a drug.
Even my game that I’ve been enjoying because it’s a nice distraction from the day-to-day keeps me occupied. It’s basically a build-and-maintain-your-city-style game. 🏢
I like it because oddly enough, I am getting a different perspective on managing things on multiple layers to having a successful running “ship” so to speak.
I consider it healthy fun. 🥲
Only now it’s “Halloween” season. Which I don’t celebrate in real life. Yet I was drawn to all the spooky-themed attractions available in my virtual city.
Like an addict, I HAD to collect them all.
I’m not celebrating Halloween in real life but I am digitally. 📲
Tf.
I can’t with myself sometimes and I swear I think the Holy Spirit goes “Really dude???” to some of the things I do, or rather don’t do like abstain or practice self-control.
Shooting dark-related content, for those who may recall; I’ve done my fair share of witchy evil shoots in the past. Burnt houses, cemeteries, smoke, fire, blood...you name it.
Glorified it. Loved it. Stopped doing it. 🛑
This year I was asked to do a Halloween shoot but nah. I could have envisioned it. I knew I could have slayed the shoot, but it’s not for me at this time. Even though I could see myself doing it or a part of me wanted to. At least I displayed self-control there, I’ll take my wins where I can. 😌
I found myself wanting to at least share my archived work that was dark-related. Upon reflecting, I have a vast collection of various models.
I wanted to compile them in a video and put that Lady Gaga track on it for Halloween.
Then I said wtf am I doing.
Not cause it’s a bad idea which it probably is, but because we are so slammed at the moment and going into the vault is always overwhelming with all that’s in there. 😮💨
Instead, I said let me write about this experience and that’s where we find ourselves.
Bad Hernan. 😣
I’m telling myself that as soon as this finale is over I’m back to not entertaining myself with dark-related content.
Fabrications? 🫣
Let’s hope not!
Au revoir! Until next time which is probably tomorrow because I’ve written like 10 entries today alone.
The writer is inspired apparently. ✍🏽
—
DISCLAIMER: In conversations with my editor I wrote an additional couple paragraphs; but ultimately we both felt it was over-explaining and not necessary, so we didn’t include it but in honor of sharing the “behind the scenes” process here is that omitted segment.
*To close I wanted to add that in no way shape or form am I wanting to trivialize or make light of this situation. To my mother, it’s frustrating because she doesn’t “play” with God in the ways she says I do. She would never watch this show or listen to the music I would. 🫤
So with that, I understand judgement may come towards me, perhaps misunderstanding.
And that’s ok. 💁🏽♂️ It’s human to judge or not understand. My goal was to be open and honest. Transparent even. It’s my real-life experience as a human and I do take it to prayer to determine how to navigate about it in the way you could say God wants. Which is to simply not partake or costume content that doesn’t glorify Him and if I do, it’s a situation that remains between him and I including any judgement.*
