11/17/2020
Refuge In Grief is such an amazing resource for anyone who has experienced loss. 🙏
When someone's life implodes because of loss, there is no one perfect way to respond or to support them.
But here's a secret: NO ONE knows what to say in those situations. No one. That's a huge part of why we're here! You can’t make it better if you just say the exactly right thing. You can’t say the perfect thing because the perfect thing does. not. exist.
You can’t do it right because there is no “right.” I hope that’s a relief. The thing is, it’s not your job to make your friend feel better, or even to take away their pain. Follow the link in my bio to watch an awesome animation about how – letting things hurt – is the best thing you can do.
It’s not a surprise that you don’t know how to do any of this, or that you suddenly become someone who weirdly shouts “everything happens for a reason.” Because we don’t talk about this stuff, most people don’t know what to do.
The trick is to lean into your helplessness in the face of your friend’s . Your job is to feel awkward and stay there anyway. Just hang right out with their pain.
Bearing witness to someone’s pain without jumping in to fix it or make it better is a skill. And skills can be learned. Hooray for !
When pain exists, let it exist. Make it safer for each other to say, "This hurts," without rushing in to clean it up. Make space for each other.
This applies to grief. It applies to illness. It applies to social injustice. It applies to your friend who's just having a really cruddy day. It applies to so many situations, each one an additional reason we need to build these skills.
Show up. Listen. Don't fix.
Every day we have the opportunity to practice. The more we practice, the better we can show up for each other in our hardest, darkest moments.
How have you practiced showing up, listening, and not fixing today?
