22/05/2024
Come close my dear family, and let me draw you with me into a tale of love and loss. Crawl into our corner of the world, hold eachother tight, for this is solemn news indeed. There is no easy way to impart what needs to be said, for however quiet I want it to stay, we are screaming inside. You can hear our grief across the miles, drifting on the wind, dropping with the rain, clinging to the bark of trees. Wrapping its pervasive threads into the silent parts of our lives, to hang like a real thing, heavy and pendulous.
Our beloved and cherished Winifred has passed away. Exiting our world so swiftly that it does not seem real, the farmhouse gaping in the corners she used to fill, the granite still reverberating with echoes of her conversation and the laughter she gave us all. She can be glimpsed out the corner of our eyes, her wide eyed stare, the feel of her soft head butting our legs. The smell of her lingering, warm, salty wool, filled with hyacinth and jasmine. The smell of an angel, which perhaps she was. We all turn, yet there is space, a nothingness so profound it leaves us breathless. A loss equal to loosing a mountain of character, of chances, of love, now gone, so swiftly that for us a tornado could not have left more devastation, or emptiness in the aftermath. The hope we shared, the dreams we held, now dark and dimming in a pool of bereft heartache.
Walking around we are empty shells, all glancing left and right, eyes filled to drop at the slightest movement. Gwynnevere will arrive, hands entwined around me, head burrowed, twirling the fabric of my dress, trying to disappear and shrink away from the loss. I can feel her fingers clawing, trying to find purchase, respite from the tumbling precipice of grief. She held her for hours last night, begging fate to not take her away, even though she was already gone.
My words are to share how exquisitely beautiful she was for us, how tender the love we held for her; for those to understand that have not yet experienced this with sheep, to glimpse the absolute joy and vast emotional lands that can be travelled with someone that is seen by most, as just a sheep. Yet, as ever, words fall short, and seem dusty and dry, compared to the vast ocean broiling within.
She entrusted us with every ounce of her physical self and laid her emotions open and vulnerable. She was the epitome of gentle courage, knowing innocence, wisdom in silence. Perhaps she was never meant to be here for long, however many opportunities we held out for her, maybe we only bought a little time away from her final destination. Maybe, her journey this time was to touch a few hearts that were open to her story, to her essence, to her tale of living kindly with grace, no matter the cards dealt. Maybe she had reached her purpose, and we were all just travellers for this shortest of journeys. Maybe just maybe, she had fulfilled her purpose as was laid out, or as she felt needed. I have the deepest sincerity when I say, our lives with her were filled with emotions and experiences so raw and exceptional, that she could have been out of this world, yet we were too blind to see it. It is in the stillness between breaths that angels fly, and there she is hovering out of reach, a gossamer kiss of memory, of love. The purity of her self, forever entwined into our existence.
My love for you all that travelled this path with us, I hope the many messages I sent out today, reached your hearts in the manner that I felt was true to Winifred's life on this earth. Gather who you hold precious and kiss them, hold them or call them. Fate is swift, uncaring and brutal, we cannot guess, we cannot know. However hard we try, some paths are always hidden and we can only stand at the end, when it is already over, and we are left trying to catch up.
Please give us a moment to catch our breath and find our feet. The nature of sanctuary life means we cannot stop, but for now, we need the ringing bell to quieten down and our hearts to loosen.
Night night Winifred 🌙
