01/12/2024
Everyday brings something new and painful. Every single thing I do, see, say and hear relates back to him in some way ๐ these photos were taken around 1 month before he died. God I want to jump into that moment in time to see and feel his happiness again ๐ญ
I don't know if it's the right thing to do but I'm just walking through the fire of all the emotions and letting them in and out until they eventually burn themselves out and pass. There's just so many painful memories and reminders to experience, so many 'Firsts' without him. Constant waves of emotions and different types of pain I never knew existed ๐ซ
Tomorrow I am heading back to Glasgow for 2 weeks to sort some things out.
I know I have to get through this, I can't get around it so I'm just embracing all the sadness (as well as all the kindness). I'm not suffocating it or trying to distract myself or push anything away, I'm keeping my eyes and heart wide open through it all in the hopes that one day it wont hurt so much and I'll be able to help others heal in the future. I have to.
We all need to learn to deal with and talk about the hard things in life otherwise we won't get through them.
I'm taking help from anyone and anywhere and I am just letting the wind take me where I need to go right now. You wouldn't believe how amazing and kind people are in times like this but of course I know I have a long way to go and so many bad and better days to get through ๐
If anyone has any advice or ideas, that they think might help me get through this, I'm all ears and open to any suggestions. At the moment I am mainly just talking it through with a lot of amazing people and a great support system and taking it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day.
BUT all I know is I NEED to turn my Pain into Power and Purpose so I can make something good come out of this. It's the only way I can see myself getting through this. I am still working on how that will manifest but....
He was the best, he deserves nothing less ๐ฅน