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Brexit Britain, downing Street, London (2025)

28/09/2021

Do you think that the 5000 HGV drivers and 5500 poultry workers have left for the UK yet? Its just that if they don't arrive soon then they'll still be queuing at Heathrow to clear passport control on Christmas day

25/09/2021

Fu**in' Europeans... Not coming over here, not taking our jobs

16/04/2019

Parliamentary Brexit Negotiations to be run by Mary Berry

After the humiliation handed out by European leaders in last week’s Brussel’s summit, experts have agreed that Mary Berry will take over Brexit negotiations in parliament.

Berry, 82, said that “compared to some of the technical challenges we’ve asked contestants to do, Brexit will be a piece of cake. If you’ll excuse the fu***ng obvious pun”.

“In a version similar to the current format, MPs will be asked to bake something that represents their favourate European country. So expect Danish pastries, Black Forest gateau, French fancies, and other Euro-inspired creations”, she said.

Judging will be done by Berry in conjunction with Sue and Mel; “It will be like old times”, said Berry, “except that obnoxious traitor won’t be hanging around sh****ng contestants”.

To determine whether the UK remains or leaves, the cake from the winning country will go head-to-head with one of Mr. Kipling’s Cherry Bakewells. “I don’t want to pre-judge the outcome” said Berry, “but he does make exceeding good cakes”.

11/04/2019

Theresa: They’re taking the P*s

Another day in Brussels, another summit, more promises. And f**k all happens: May-hem. At times like this you’ve got to think that these unelected Brussels bureaucrats are taking the P*s.
They seem to think that it is within the gift of Mother Theresa to come up with a congruent plan. It isn’t.
They seem to think that she could get parliamentary backing for her plan that could be agreed on and voted for. It isn’t.
They think that it’s unreasonable for the UK to ask to have their cake and eat it. It isn’t.

When oh when will these morons understand that the UK is simply better than anyone else - genetically. That the UK did the rest of Europe a fu***ng great big favour by joining their little club. That the UK should be able to dictate the terms of the divorce settlement and their future trading relationship with the EU. All this fannying around asking for the UK to honour the 585 page divorce agreement and create a timetable for exiting and sticking to it is just pointless detail. In fact it amounts to bullying and frankly the UK should just get out.

04/04/2019

Things have changed...

02/04/2019

Revealed: the biggest and baddest April Fool’s joke in history

Experts have revealed that the plan for the UK to leave the EU was all a great big April Fool’s joke that went terribly wrong. A spokesperson confirmed that ‘when we painted £350m for the NHS’ on a big red bus, we honestly thought that the public would see it for what it was meant – a great big windup. Similarly, using a lager-than-life character like Nigel Farage to spearhead the campaign would, we believe, make alarm bells ring across the nation. On top of that, the dismissing of expert opinion as project fear and projecting of the UK as an important contributor to the world should have been seen as us being fu***ng ironic’.

Actually what happened was the UK public took it in: hook, line and stinker.

A senior parliamentarian was quoted as saying that ‘we deliberately held completely meaningless indicative votes on April Fools Day hoping that this at last would signal to people that it was all a massive wind up, but even this was missed’.

Sadly, the folk in Brussels have been unamused by this tomfoolery and it now appears that they expect the UK to keep to its promise of taking its ball and going home. Fat chance – lets have some more fun at the expense of the 350 million citizens of the EU who this affects and see if we can p**s our neighbours off even more whilst simultaneously destroying the UK economy – that would be simply hilarious.

23/03/2019

Mother Teresa’s airmiles scam

Insiders have confirmed that the innumerable trips made by Mother Teresa to Brussels has nothing to do with Brexit. Rather, she is panicking because she needs another 45,000 airmiles to keep her British Airways gold card.

A Brussels insider stated that ‘whilst we see pictures of her in countless discussions with Jean-Claude and others, the reality is she has no fu***ng idea about what Brexit is about, and just flies back and forth to keep her gold card status. She was clearly delighted that her friends in the EU gave her an extension to the Brexit process since it should allow her to scam a few more flights and even upgrade to platinum’.

Asked whether she understood the gravity of the situation, a number 10 spokesperson said that ‘Brexit is an over-rated pile of s**t. The real issue here is that very soon Mother Teresa will be able to bring back duty free f**s and a bottle of whiskey. And with a blue passport. Just like the good old days. Who’d vote against that?’

08/03/2019

Official: Europeans are a bunch of Jeremy Hunts

Prime Minister Mother Teresa today hit out at the faceless bureaucrats that run Europe, calling them a ‘bunch of Jeremy Hunts’. She went on to say that it was not surprising then that she sent the foreign secretary to sort out the Brexit f**kup.

“Its plainly obvious to all that the reason we’re in this mess is because of Jean-Claude and his cronies. Whilst we have done our utmost to ensure that we exit the EU as quickly and effortlessly as possible, the EU has insisted on sorting out stupid irrelevant details the Irish Border”.

Karen Bradley, Northern Ireland secretary was quick to point out that historical problems with the Irish border had led to a number of killings by security services. She went on to say that whilst it was not her wish to go back to a situation where out of control paratroopers lawfully kill innocent civilians, it remained on the negotiating table.

The work and pensions secretary, Amber Rudd also leapt to Mother Teresa’s defense, explaining that life had become incredibly hard for coloured women under Brexit and that she hoped that things could quieten down so she could go back to being a racist bigot without anyone noticing.

Mother Teresa pointed out that the Brexit negotiations had gone incredibly well and that she was confident that the UK would once again rise up as a great Empire once the country was freed from the influence of feckless foreigners.

24/02/2019

Confused pensioner found wandering around Sham el Sheikh

The British Consulate General was called to provide assistance of a confused pensioner who was found wandering the streets of Sham el Sheikh today. A consular spokesman stated that they had been ‘called to assist a frail elderly lady who had apparently lost the group which she was travelling with. She was muttering something about being the British prime-minister and kept repeating over and over again that Brexit was going extremely well and that the will of the people must be respected’.

Asked who the group was that she got separated from, the spokesman said that enquiries were still being made. It appeared that she was a member of a large party of some 330 people, but that many had privately abandoned her months ago to set up an alternative called the ERG. The spokesman stated that recently Anna Soubry, Sarah Wollaston and Heidi Allen had left her and that they were making enquiries about several others.

However it appeared that the lady was confused, delusional, and completely incoherent, stating that she needed to go to Brussels to make important changes to an unchangeable 585 page treaty.

13/02/2019

Brexit negotiations to move to the local boozer

The government have confirmed that from now on all negotiations with the EU over Brexit will be done in the local boozer.

Spokesperson Mike Hunt said that ‘in 2016 UNESCO - the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation - inscribed beer culture in Belgium on the Representative List of the Intangible Cultural Heritage of Humanity. In general, and as a point of principal, the UK riles against anything that countries in the odorous EU consider sacred. But in this case getting p**sed in a pub is something that we clearly invented and which we are good at. For this reason, we’ve decided that to make progress in the Brexit negotiations we need to get lashed up with Jean-Claude, Michel and the gang’.

Hunt was questioned on whether this was a cynical ploy to abrogate responsibility for the constant drip-feed of bad news because the biggest barrier to progress was that they didn’t have a fu***ng clue what they wanted to achieve. It was pointed out that bars in the Belgian capital were hardly a place where you could have a sensible conversation in private and that this idea would allow the government to leak bad news instead of having to face an increasingly fractious and angry House of Commons. In response Hunt pointed out that ‘the UK has an incredibly strong hand in the negotiations. So far, the EU has given us everything we wanted. We are confident that we will will get back to the good old days when we could sell bendy bananas, use blue passports and restore the British Empire, all of which was taken from us by faceless bureaucrats in Brussels’.

24/01/2019

Government to cancel Mothers’ Day

Mother Theresa is to call an emergency COBRA meeting in Downing Street today to consider the date on which Mother’s Day will be celebrated. Spokesman Dan Jones confirmed that “the odious EU have reiterated that they can only negotiate sensibly with us when parliament decides what the UK’s position is on Brexit actually is”.

“In the meantime, it is likely that we will be faced with crashing out of the EU on 29th March, fully 2 days before Mother’s Day. And with 80% of cut flowers coming from the Netherlands we’re concerned about a “flower-gate” scenario where mothers go without. This could lead to civil unrest as angry mothers incessantly nag their children about the importance of forward planning rather than relying on a crap bunch of carnations from a petrol station which has sold out".

“We have decided that it would be prudent to consider a number of options including delaying Mother’s Day, a transition period in which Mother’s Day is marked but no-one actually does anything, no Mother’s Day, or a people’s vote on whether Mother’s day was a good idea after all”.

Asked whether this was a cynical attempt by the government to distract voters from the economic armageddon of Brexit, Jones pointed out that “thanks to the extra £350 million a week we can invest in the NHS, there’s no better time to become a mother. Or a florist for that matter”.

21/01/2019

Duke of Edinburgh engages in a staged performance art

Palace spokesperson Nicholas Whittlyberry-Brown today confirmed that the accident involving the Duke of Edinburgh and another vehicle was a staged act of performance art.

Whittlyberry-Brown explained that by convention neither the Queen or her husband, Prince Philip, comment on the political agenda in the United Kingdom. However it is know that he has strong opinions on Brexit, so he decided to make his views known through a piece of performance art.

“The slow-motion car-crash symbolises the ongoing rancour in parliament that has divided the nation. The Land Rover lying on its side signifies the death of UK car industry and other manufacturing companies as a result of massive delays at ports and excessive tariffs and other barriers to free trade.

The lives of millions of UK and EU citizens which have been changed detrimentally and forever is symbolised by the other car that is smashed to pieces and simply written off.

The new Land Rover delivered to Prince Philip the day after the crash which he chose to drive without a seat belt symbolises the departure of David Cameron and Nigel Farage. Both responsible for the disaster, yet neither of them detrimentally affected by the carnage they created, and apparently willing to continue their reckless behaviour”.

Asked whether there would be any other performances in the near future, Whittlyberry-Brown said that “The soon the discredited and useless May left, the sooner Philip could get back to making stupid gaffs like likening the chancellor of Germany to Adolf Hitler”. But in the mean time he was leaving his options open.

17/01/2019

MPs harass police about their harassment

MPs have decided to take London bobbies to task and publicly berate them about their inability to stop angry people asking them difficult questions in the street. Anna Watson, MP for somewhere up North no-one really cares about, was seen shouting at two PCSO in McDonalds Westminster whilst the officers were on their lunch break. ‘It’s outrageous what voters are doing. How fu***ng dare they ask for accountability in the face of the Brexit fiasco which is clearly the fault of the odious Europeans who refuse to negotiate sensibly with us until we know what we actually want’.

A police spokesperson pointed out that he found it hilarious that “the 40% cut in the police budget was voted for by the self-same MPs who are now asking for protection from their constituents. What they are asking for is like asking to have you cake and eat it. Jean-Claude Junker made it clear that he won’t have any of it, so why the f**k should we?”.

The Home Office suggested that arresting someone you’ve never met because they ask you something you don’t like in a rather loud voice is clearly far more important than dealing with the gangs of criminals who are responsible for stabbings and acid attacks across the capital. “It’s all very well and good for the police to argue that having 40% less personnel is detrimental to public safety. But the reality is that the police need to prioritise their workload better and focus more on what’s important’.

17/01/2019

UK proudly building biggest lorry-park in Europe

The Brexit dividend is starting to be seen as the UK is on a massive building spree. The latest achievement is to build the biggest lorry park in Europe just outside the port of Dover.

Ministry for Brexit spokesperson Adam Hunt pointed out that ‘we should be proud of our lorry-parks. Whilst the Dutch and French have wasted money employing hundreds more customs officials to keep their ports from jamming up, we have taken a much more cost-efficient approach.

‘We can now thumb our noses at the odious EU since we now have Europe's largest lorry park. But we aren’t going to stop there since the £350 million a week that we will no longer wasted on feckless foreigners will be ploughed into further building. Indeed, phase 2 of the lorry park area will see us paving over almost all of Essex, which in itself should be applauded since the place is one enormous s**t hole. Not only that, we have millions left over to pay a company to magic up dozens of ferries out of thin air to help out if necessary. It just goes to show that with a little bit of planning, anything is possible’.

17/01/2019

Theresa May can’t fail

Despite rumours to the contrary, the Ministry for Brexit has confirmed that Theresa May is soon to drop her surname and will soon be known simply as ‘Mother Theresa’.

Spokesperson Adam Hunt pointed out that ‘the name will chime well with Brexit voters who believe that the UK is simply superior to every other country on the planet, especially those in Europe, and in particular the untrustworthy Germans’. Asked about the upcoming vote on her Brexit plans, Hunt argued that 52% of voters wanted Brexit so he expects an overwhelming majority of MP’s to respect their constituents wishes and vote for her ungodly plan.

He added that ‘Mother Theresa has a track record of helping people and I have every confidence that this will see her over the line’. Asked whether (Mother) Theresa had a plan B in case the vote goes against her, Hunt pointed out that it was about as likely as Donald Trump sacking most of the senior people in his administration and appointing people who knew little about their portfolios but that liked him. ‘And anyway’, he added, ‘it is almost certain that she will be beatified on 28 March at 11.00pm, a full hour before the UK leaves the EU on terms that are massively beneficial to us’.

17/01/2019

Meaningful Vote will follow same rules as parliamentary elections

In an attempt to help Mother Theresa win the crucial Brexit vote, constitutional experts have agreed to change the way that the outcome is counted to reflect the norms of UK general elections.

Adam Hunt, Ministry for Brexit spokesman explained that “the government can win the with as little as 35% of the vote. This reflects the 2005 election in which the Labour government won 55% of parliamentary seats with only a 35.2% share of votes cast, and also the 2015 election win for the Conservatives with an impressive 36.9% of the votes cast.

He went on to say that if less than 35% of the votes were cast in favour of Mother Theresa’s plan, then it would still go her way if she is able to install 100 or more peers in the House of Lords before midnight since then these unelected sycophants would get her over the line.

Hunt went on to explain that ‘the UK voting system is the envy of the world. Unlike so-called democracies like the European Parliament, we use an antiquated system of life peerages to decide what goes on in our country, thus ensuring that the rich elite always get their way. It’s clearly hopelessly crap to create a system in which parliamentary representation accurately reflects what people want. I mean, if we allowed that to happen, then people might actually get interested in how this country is run instead of obsessing about the Royal Family, and who knows where that could end up’.

Asked whether he thought it possible that Mother Theresa could still lose the vote, Hunt replied that he didn’t really give a s**t as long as Meghan had a boy.

17/01/2019

Royal Mint advertising for 5,000 engraving staff

Today the Royal Mint confirmed that it has vacancies for 5,000 engravers at its Llantrisant factory in South Wales. Due to an ‘entirely unforeseen set of circumstances that nobody could have reasonably predicted’, general manager Alun Davis said that their stock of over 1,000,000 Brexit coins needed altering.

‘As yet, we are not entirely sure what changes are needed. Whilst some of us think that we need to revisit the date, changing it to at least July 2019, others believe the whole notion of peace and friendship with other nations is completely at odds with the aggressive xenophobic nationalism that has defined the Brexit debate’.

Asked whether he feels the wording is right, Davis said that he felt it should be put to a people’s vote to decide. '52% of my colleagues feel that ‘EU f**k off’ will chime better with the British public, with the other 48% suggesting ‘We love EU’ is more appropriate. A number of staff have also suggested that the engraving of HM the Queen on the other side should be replaced with that of David Cameroon to mark the reckless act of stupidy that got us into this clusterf**k'.

When challenged on whether the whole idea of a coin was a publicity stunt designed to distract the public from the disastrous consequences of a Brexit, Davis pointed out that there was at least one and possibly two reports that show the positive benefits of free trade with stable, well run countries like the United States and Russia.

Brexit Britain

28/09/2021

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