13/02/2024
9 YEARS SOBER TODAY - HOW?
I am normally really excited and love my sober birthday, to be honest I enjoy it so much more than my belly button birthday (normal one). As just over 10 years ago, I nearly didn’t ever celebrate a birthday again. But this year I am struggling, and I really did not expect be going through this amount of pain at 9 years of sobriety.
My kids didn’t have the easiest of starts, they grew up with a mam who was in active alcoholism and a narcissistic father with a very bad temper, luckily not violent with them (just me) – but bloody scary, nevertheless.
My kids were 14 and 12 when I came to AA and started my journey in 2013 and the last 10 years have been really hard. Leaving jobs, bankruptcy, divorce, court case, my sponsor died suddenly, I’ve lost my sister to alcoholism and other close friends. Health problems, new jobs, house move, mental health, being mam and dad to my kids, removing toxic people from our lives, to name just a few.
So, I can’t help but feel really fu***ng angry about the fact that Charlotte at the young age of 24 has this rare 2 in a million PMP cancer. She has already had one huge operation, the next one is 2 weeks tomorrow and after this she will have at least 6/7 organs removed and they may not get all the cancer. Her body will go straight into menopause, luckily, she doesn’t want kids because that option is going, and we don’t know what her future looks like. I think she has already been through too much.
In AA we are taught through the programme to feel our feelings, we can feel anger, but we can’t sit in it. Let me explain, if I sit in this anger that I have, I will be in more and more pain, I will end up in so much pain that I will need to numb the pain. Vodka – will take the pain away, I and 99% of people in AA know that (the 1% didn’t drink it yet 😆). If I stay in the pain and anger – I will drink.
I drank for 25 years because I couldn’t cope with life, I found it too painful. I wasn’t passed out drunk for 25 years, but over the years the being passed out goes from an hour to one night a week, soon, seven nights a week, to afternoons, mornings – then you can’t physically do anything without alcohol in your system, your body is fully dependant on it to stay alive – yet it’s killing you slowly from the inside. It’s one of the most lethal drugs, yet available in nearly every shop.
In AA we are taught to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference – ie can I change it or not.
I can’t change the fact Charlotte has cancer, so in theory I should accept it! But I am struggling because I am angry and sad, and it doesn’t feel fair, or justified. It’s a vicious circle because that then causes me huge amounts of pain – and we know where that ends – yep in the bottom of a bottle, with me drunk and passed out, maybe even dead this time.
So, I am very grateful to AA and all it has taught me, because in the moments I accept what is happening, and instead of putting all my energy getting more and more angry. I use my energy to support and help Charlotte and Dimitrios. By doing the gofundme ( https://gofund.me/8c08b616 ) going up to Scotland, taking them places in the car, going to Basingstoke, helping to sort the minefield of forms and leaflets and information, listening, validating, that leaves very little time for anger and stops me sitting in the pain, and getting closer to drinking.
I always try to share my experience strength and hope on my birthday, I recover out loud, I am not embarrassed I am a recovering alcoholic I am proud. 10 years ago, I couldn’t go an hour without alcohol, now I have gone nearly 80,000 hours!
To the people who have:
• Held me up when I didn’t have the strength to stand on my own
• Loved me until I could love myself
• Helped me to know and see my worth
• Believed in me and given me a chance
• Shared their experience to help me avoid future pain
• Held my hand while I cried
• Been through the good and the bad
• Even the people I have removed from my life, thanks for the lessons I have learnt.
AA does work, I and many others are living proof, because I would not be sitting here sober, celebrating 9 whole years without alcohol, coping with my daughter having cancer, doing the next right thing, without it!!
Thank you to every person who has been a part of my journey over the years 🩷🩷🩷
