Married by Joel

07/01/2024

January 2024, and there are no changes to how I operate. No set fee, happy to accept whatever you feel that my service is worth to you, and within the scope of you budget, no questions asked. Please feel free to ask any questions, even if just for advice.
Taking bookings for 2024 and 2025.

27/12/2021

We are so pleased for Lana and Blair, and how well this came together with only ten days notice. Flexibility and versatility is key! https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/127385545/taranaki-woman-surprises-partner-with-christmas-wedding-half-an-hour-before-it-started

The secret nuptials had been in the works for just 11 days - and the groom was given half an hour's notice.

12/01/2020

Hi! It has been a while since i last posted, so it is timely to clear up some things.
* First, I do NOT operate as a business - I have a job, and my motives are to support people who may feel marginalised by overblown public perceptions of what a wedding should be like.
* This is why I have no set fee - only what my services are worth to you and that fits with your budget, no questions asked.
* That said, I do not compromise on the degree or quality of the support that I offer when working with you to make your wedding the event that you want it to be.
* I am open to all questions, so if you would like to meet for a chat about how I can help, I am only a PM away.

10/02/2019

Time to hear the music...
So, you want to have some music to be played. THere are three main moments - entrance of at least one of the people being wed, document signing, and triumphant exit.
The big question is often - what music do we play? There is a sliding scale of how much music you are aware of, what is appropriate, and how it is being played.
First, what music. Proceed with caution - musical tastes often change. Do you still listen to what you liked ten years ago? Will you look back on your choice of music and cringe? A safe option is not what is is the charts currently (or last five years), but the traditional catalogue. A rule of thumb for the quality of any music is how much a piece is performed one, two or three hundred years after it was written. Will groups be covering MC Hammer in fifty years? Or even now? Bach, Mozart, Mendelssohn and Wagner, to name a tiny few, remain popular, and are timeless. Still, if there is a piece of music that is very meaningful to you, go for it. Just remember that there are more people than yourself at the wedding.
Second, is it appropriate? Always try and project into the future. is your choice of music something that you will be proud of when you show your wedding video to your grandkids?
Lastly, how is it to be played. If streaming on Spotify or something similar, ALWAYS do a practice run, in the venue. The last thing that you need is to find out on the day that there is no coverage. If you want a bit of class, consider hiring a musician (or more!). But be warned - pop songs often mask an inherent lack of melody by backing instruments, and if, for example, you hire a violinist, listen to their advice. I have had requests to play a solo for a pop song that, when the vocal melody is exposed, has no real melody whatsoever. When you hire a soloist, you are also hiring their expertise, and ability to source, edit, transpose and rearrange your favourite tune into something that sounds decent.
So, in summary, be open to more than what you are familiar with, investigate traditional orchestral music that has been proven over decades and centuries, and check that the playback options do, actually work.
And listen to what the hired soloist tells you.

26/11/2018

All the World's a Stage...
And a wedding is both promise and theatre. Strip away everything but the essentials and you have five people, two of whom repeat a legally-required sentence, before they all sign a legal document affirming that the event has happened.
Everything else is theatre.
A family drama in a single act.
There are character roles to be played - Groom, Bride, Celebrant, maids of honour, best men etc. There is the script - vows, readings, speeches - and in the best pantomime tradition, the opportunity for the audience to participate. There may even be a musical item.
Little wonder that an industry has grown around the event, with the bride and groom given the opportunity to star in their own production. Costume, make-up, lights, sound, action!
So, before you spend your children's inheritance on your wedding, ask yourself -
If I did away with the whole drama and married my best friend in a backyard, would it diminish our future life together?
Check your values as you commit to catering for fifty guests at $60 a head, and balance the need to support the livelihoods of many strangers with the strength of your marriage. Does one depend upon the other?
Try to live your life in such a way as to make a positive impact upon the lives of those around you. To be the star of a theatrical production is to focus upon yourself, but it is how you lead your life that determines how people will remember you.

05/10/2018

A Social Event
Humans are social creatures. Living in groups, sharing the workload and looking after each other is what we do. Language, passing information and skills down from generation to generation has driven our evolution as a thinking creature that can consider all possible future events, and plan for them.
A wedding is one of the oldest forms of ritual around, as it is a social compact that, in ages past, formed a union between families, kingdoms, nations before the individuals concerned. It is a promise of cooperation for the future.
A modern term is "partner", flexible enough to be used whether you are married to each other or not. But the key is word - partner. A team of two that shares the work, shares the rewards and looks out for each other before all others. Loyalty and fidelity are central to any successful marriage, and it is inevitable that each person must be willing to sacrifice some old habits and behaviours if the partnership is to be successful.
For your marriage to be successful and lasting, a good rule of thumb is to put your partner and children before yourself. Always. And that goes for both of you. Never expect to carry on as the centre of your own universe.
And that is at the heart of the wedding vows - the promise made before the world of your new priorities. Part of the ritual, integral to the new future that you will share.
Obedience has no place in any society that is free of slavery.

17/08/2018

Values Check - Marry Poor
Do you expect to be given expensive items, for example diamond engagement ring, jewellery, overseas holidays etc? Marriage may not be for you. Consider the traditional vows - richer or poorer etc. A list of contrasts. The basis of any lasting marriage is friendship and trust. Breach either of those and the damage could be lasting. Material wealth can come and go. A good strategy would be to marry poor. Starting your wedded life with next to nothing means that your wealth may grow, fine, or stay the same, or cycle between boom and bust, but your relationship was founded upon a partnership, not a bank balance. You can always refer back to how you lived when you had nothing but each other. You did it once, you can do it again.
Just don't live in debt. Debt is evil. Never borrow money for anything other than a house or a vehicle if you need it to get to work. A wedding can be as cheap or expensive as you want, but never lose focus over what the event is about. Here is a clue - it is not about how much you can spend on venues, catering, entertainment (violinists excluded!), gifts for guest etc.

30/05/2018

FIRST DANCE AND STOMPED GLASS - WHY?
This is a tradition that goes beyond weddings. Back in the day, when well-to-do people hosted a ball - this means that their house was big enough to include a ballroom - the ball would be opened by the guest of honour. This was typically whoever had the highest social standing amongst all of the guests and hosts. If royalty were present, or a noble person of the peerage, they would have the honour of the first dance.
This custom was easily translated sideways to wedding celebrations, where the bride and groom, being the cause of the occasion, would open the ball with the first dance.

Of course, this gave rise to other wedding customs along the way, such as guest pinning cash to the couple's clothes as they danced.
Or, in a Jewish wedding, the stomping of a glass. This represents the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem, and on a personal note, the destruction of your own personal Temple. Why? Before your birth you and your soulmate were one soul, sundered apart at birth into two parts - one male, the other female. Your wedding is the reunification of the two parts of one soul. Having been apart for so long, you are now together again, stronger than before. Shattering the glass is to show that what sent you apart originally is trivial now that you are together once more.
Cute, huh?

12/04/2018

Here is a long one...I have updated the playlist. I have added quite a few new melodies to the violin rep, including the two popular Wedding Marches (Mendelssohn and Wagner) and Pachelbel's Canon. There is enough to keep me going for a couple of hours, covering a range of styles, including baroque, pop, Celtic, folk, jazz, and slushy romantic movie themes. Something for everyone!

11/03/2018

Money. Weddings.
This can cause many relationships to rupture, and it needs some solid understanding. First, in the context of a wedding, your only necessary expense is the licence. Celebrant fees range from nothing through to extortionate, so it does pay to shop around. Celebrant services range from simply officiating though to event management, so check on what you are asking for.
Now, for the rest...in life, the key is to make sure that money does not go out faster than it comes in. For many, this may seem like asking the impossible, but it is vital. Debt is evil. Now, understand this - banks are debt merchants. If you have a savings account, you are lending the bank your money for them to use to generate income, usually as interest on debts. If you have an interest-free account you are lending the bank your $ for nothing.
To plan a wedding, draw up a budget and establish your savings goal. Next, examine how you spend your money. Over a couple of weeks list every single purchase. Then cross out everything that was not vital. And by vital, I mean purchases that without them the result could be slow death or power cuts. Coffees with your pals is not vital. Grow your own veges, walk or cycle as much as you can and save on petrol. Total, spartan frugality is not necessary, but some discipline towards unnecessary spending is.
At the end of each pay period, 60% of what you have left over goes into your wedding savings - the rest is your contingency fund (car repairs, dental etc).

20/01/2018

THE HONEYMOON - AND BEST MEN
Fashion has a lot to answer for. Back in the days when it was likely that you had never met your spouse until your wedding, the honeymoon was the time when you had a chance to find out all you could about your spouse, before coming back to the real world.
Of course, the "married at first sight" business often involved a bloke kidnapping a woman, and then hiding for a month or so until the in-laws had got tired of hunting for them. The best man was his trustworthy mate would would help defend him against his new bride's understandably angry family.

Things have settled down a bit since then, and typically we know who we are marrying fairly well. And so, the rise of the romantic wedding...

Once people began to have a bit more cash, after the Industrial Revolution, the tourism industry saw a growth market. Widespread aggressive marketing turned the foreign honeymoon into the must-have ending for any wedding.
For us here in New Zealand, hit the pause button. Before agriculture became big enough to be an export earner, NZ was a tourist destination, and still is. So, why go overseas for a honeymoon, when you already live in a major international tourist destination? Stay local.
Besides, if your honeymoon is a glorified excuse for a holiday, do you need to have one at all? Are you a slave to fashion, a drone to marketing? Save some cash, stay local, or just put it off until you can afford it, without having to borrow. Never borrow to buy anything that is not a house or a vehicle for work. Debt is evil...

21/12/2017

Location, Location, Location...
Where can you get married? Anywhere that you want, so long as the owners approve. Otherwise, that would be trespass. What is important is that you have two venues planned - the intended site, and a back-up. When you apply for your licence there is space to give two addresses. If you marry somewhere different, the Celebrant has to inform DIA asap of the actual location. So...
Homes are fine. You need to have the owner's permission, of course.
Beaches are typically Crown property for the benefit of all citizens - hence the Queen's Chain. A chain is an old (Imperial, not metric, about 20 metres) measure of distance used by surveyors. The QC is that distance from the high-tide mark. Exceptions are properties that have Riparian Rights, and extend to the water's edge.
Parks and Reserves - typically council property. The local councils all ask that you pay a nominal fee and reserve the park, as this gives you priority over anyone else who turns up to use the park. You don't have to book with the council, but you will not then have the right to ask other people to leave.
National Parks are not governed by local councils, but they are often lean on shelters should the weather turn nasty.
Ships - if it is registered in NZ, all good. Not every country allows its sea captains to officiate at weddings, and some are only permitted to marry couples of the same nationality as the ship registry. Do your homework, or take a celebrant with you.
Overseas - with a NZ licence and celebrant, of course. Otherwise you have to follow local law.
One last thing - if you choose to have a reception, it does not have to be where the wedding takes place. It is reasonably common to have the ceremony and reception in different places. It just adds to the logistics.
So, be creative and choose a place to be wed, and confirm with the owners that you can marry there, and have priority over all others for that time.

14/11/2017

WHO'S CALLING NAMES?
The debate continues - when you get married, what surname do you use? Simply, without resorting to Deed Poll (also managed by Births, Deaths and Marriages), the marriage licence is legally informing BDM that the two of you are in an official, life and asset-sharing relationship, and should either of you choose to use each other's surname, or a hyphenated union of them, then that is acceptable - the choice is yours.
So, why should you adopt your spouse's name? Tradition aside, it is convenient. It can be easier than forever introducing yourself as your husband's spouse.

Keep in mind that traditionally, a woman was property. First, the property of her father, who would then "give her away" to her husband, who then became her owner. Just like in the USA slaves were known by the surname of their owner, wives were known by the surname of their owner. Husband, that is.

So, what it comes down to is this. If you are a woman, as your father walks you down the aisle, you are re-enacting the transferral of goods from one owner to another, similar to a cattle auction. Truth is, in some cultures a bride is purchased with her equivalent price in cattle. Or goats.

Do you really want to lose your own name and identity?

15/10/2017

ELOPEMENT - Good Idea?
Nah. Simply, because you cannot. Let me explain. When a couple eloped, it was leaving home in secret and travelling by stealth to a place where they could marry quickly and in secret, no questions asked. Couples would elope to avoid family disapproval, objections from other people, or to escape an arranged marriage.
In England, the traditional law required the public notice (the Banns) for each of the three weeks before the wedding, so that any objections to the wedding could be made. The legacy of this remains in our current Marriage Act (amended 2013), with licences being issued no later than three days before the wedding. In England, couples would travel to Gretna Green, a small village within a stone's throw of the border. Being Scotland, English law did not apply.
In NZ law, the application for the licence, and its issue, must be at least three days before the wedding, so that objections can be formally lodged. The actual marriage can be challenged after event, which is one reason that witnesses, although of any age, must be able to fend for themselves on the witness stand in court should the validity of the marriage be challenged.
So, for those of you who think that a small-scale wedding on a Pacific Island that is smaller than the ones that we live on is eloping, it is not. It is a small wedding that you do not invite many people to. Don't dress it up as an elopement. If you want to elope properly, do the legal paperwork and arrange for a Celebrant and a pair of witnesses, but tell nobody else. Not your family, not your friends, no one. Secrecy and stealth is key to an elopement. And, do not plan on going back home, either.
You will have a lot of explaining to do.

15/09/2017

PRE-NUP or NOT?
Opinions vary on the issue of pre-nuptial agreements. One argument is that if you anticipate eventual divorce, don't get married. Marriage is for life, after all. So, first, the stats (my day job...) - in NZ in 1991 1.27% of married couples split. This has reduced to 0.93% in 2015. So, it does happen. The pre-nup simply sets out who gets what, and what level of support each party provides the other. It saves big-time on legal contests where the lawyers wind up with more of the estate than either of the couple. In the USA, some pre-nups have a "sunset" clause, which is an expiry date for the agreement.

Of note, pre-nuptials are not a new innovation. They have been around for centuries. Perhaps one of the more enlightened models is the Jewish ketubah, which is read out during the ceremony. The husband promises to support his wife by providing her with food, clothing and s*x, and make provision for her in the event of divorce or death. The kicker is that if he does not support his wife as promised, she is free to leave the marriage.

Nobody should go into a marriage thinking that it will end, but they do. Perhaps the best strategy would be for each person to take ownership of their part of the relationship, and take responsibility for what their partner finds annoying. As soon as you start trying to score points off the other, taking turns to find fault, stop and start finding fault in yourself. Don't criticise and try and fix the other person, fix yourself.

13/08/2017

WHAT WILL PEOPLE REMEMBER? Different people remember different things, but often it is what involves them directly - catering, music etc. But that is you being hospitable to your guests. But hey, the point of the event is for you two to publicly declare your love for each other and commitment to spend the rest of your lives together. Above all, a wedding should be focussed on the reason, and not how much debt you can carry. A backyard barbecue can be more intimate and social than booking out a cathedral. Don't get stressed on details such as gifts for everyone or seating plans - if people attended weddings for what they personally can get out of it, then something is very, very wrong. If you have any doubts or questions, ask your Celebrant. They are a legal requirement, so use their guidance to w**d out the necessary from the frivolous.