08/11/2024
My world changed on the 7th August, 2017 when my gorgeous twin boys, Ben & Charlie arrived by emergency C-Sec at 30 weeks gestation.
I was overwhelmed by love for them, relief that they were okay, just early, and felt like the gratitude I should feel for finally being a Mother (something I had longed for since losing my Mum as a child) should cancel out every other confusing feeling I had.
So I suppressed those confusing feelings. I dismissed them. I told myself I was so lucky to fall pregnant (we were expecting to have trouble conceiving), I was so lucky they arrived safely, I was so lucky that we didn’t have any major set backs in our 8 week NICU stay, I was so lucky to finally be a Mum.
It’s taken me years to understand, and be at peace that I was lucky to be a Mum AND delivering by emergency C-section 10 weeks early was terrifying. I was lucky we didn’t have any major setbacks in NICU AND being separated from your premature babies for the first 2 months of their lives is traumatising.
I was completely and utterly in love with these perfect little humans - yet my mental health took a deep, dark dive to an unrelenting place I hope to never experience again.
Opposite feelings co-exist. And in being honest with myself about how I was truly feeling, I began honouring myself with compassion and understanding, and I began to heal.
My boys are the most wonderful gift I have ever been given. They have been my greatest teacher. My love for them is unconditional and I continue to choose daily to work on myself, so I live for them too 🫶
📖 Credit: .to.anna