11/18/2022
SOOO MUCH to catch up one, but first I have a momentous announcement. I was planning on making this post pre-midterm election since it concerns voting but a once in a lifetime gale on Camano Island (third one in five years) took out our power and internet for over a week I've had to put if off a bit till things got back to normal. I will be posting weekly for the foreseeable future about the future of Chumleighland as a Legacy Venue. But first... I humbly (possibly I am the MOST HUMBLE PERSON EVER) announce my candidacy for the the Presidential Nomination for 2024. I DO NOT DO THIS LIGHTLY but I'm afraid Reverend Chumleigh is our only Cure for the World at this time of un-surpassing existential threats. I salmonly promise that my first act as President will to, by Presidential Order, establish a new Non-profit corporation chaired by Stacey Abrams, with members to include Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, (Washington State's own) Pramila Jayapal, Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York, Ilhan Omar of Minnesota, Ayanna Pressley of Massachusetts and Rashida Tlaib of Michigan. Then I'd contract out to them to run the country like a dang ole city manager (though I suspect all we'd need is Stacey). Secondly, I would immediately establish a Commission to study ways to profoundly change how we choose leaders in this country. In my view, often, though not always, a desire to pursue an elective office is a symptom of insanity. I maintain that all elective offices should be considered in the same way a jury duty. If you receive your notice that it's time to serve as President a healthy first response should be "JEEZ, maybe if I get that root canal I've been putting off I can get out of this" but only AFTER should you do the patriotic thing and be President for your week (or month, I've still got things to work out). Elected office is like porta-potty pumping or taking out the garbage, or dare I say it, policing. EVERYBODY should have to do it now and then. I also promise to reduce the Presidency to a purely Ceremonial Host position and the Vice Presidency shall be in reality what it's been all along "The National Jester" and require the carrying of a slapbladder and dressing in motley. Instead of being the traditional avoid-being-seen with the President lightning rod the Vice President has always been I promise my Vice President will ALWAYS appear with me, nod in agreement to ring their hat bells, and accept kicks from me when I want to emphasize a point. Now I know that many of my Evengelical Fans (I actually HAVE two) might be fearful but I've alway been a BIG FAN of Jesus, because as comic genius Dan O'neal stated "Jesus never said you can't play with yourself". I'm also a Big Fan of the First Jesus Miracle, the Water into Wine. At any Jewish wedding I've ever attended or Officiated (yes, I HAVE but it's complicated) if they've run out of alcohol, they're already drunk enough, but Jesus says "Party on Dudes" and turns water into not only wine but BETTER wine than they'd drunk up. Though I'm a light drinker I admire the spirit of the gesture. Jesus and I are also on the same page concerning rich people getting into Heaven and I think He'd agree with me that they should just settle for Mars and get on with it. Are you a gun owner? Don't worry, I'll fight for your right to marry your automatic weapon. If you're any of the myriad self identifiers, you ARE what you identify as, period, though I was considering making Gender Fluidity mandatory but it looks like falling s***m counts and androgenization in Republican fetuses across the globe from pesticides and forever chemicals makes this no longer necessary. I am, though, to raise funds for my campaign, releasing an Energy Drink for the gender fluid which will be called (duh, as if you haven't guessed) "Gender Fluid (slogan: THEY all drink it)".
I will also address the founding of our country based on slavery and genocide with with a Truth and Reconciliation Conference and REAL REPARATIONS, and will give back the U.S. to the various tribes we stole it from after negotiating a deal where they'll lease some of it l back to us without us having to move. I will also either negotiate a deal where Mexicans can work anywhere they want, or we give back the whole dang Southwest (Austin won't care). As a veteran entertainer at thousands of events I can personally state that the events that have the most diversity in audience and entertainment are the MOST FUN and that's how I'll run the country. Haven't decided if I'll run as a Democrat, an independent, or try reviving the brilliant Pat Paulsen's "Straight Talking American Goverment" aka "The Stag Party" but you my minions of evil reading this, oops, I mean my faithful audience, can serve as my ongoing focus group.
And now, my recent mid-term election voting experience:
Right after the early voting started, I went down to my local ballot drop box and was not surprised to see a pickup truck with a "Trump is my President" sticker with an occupant who appeared to be observing voters as they dropped off the vote. I refrained from getting out of my truck. After a half hour of observing the observers, it seemed to me that he was taking pics or perhaps filming voters with Progressive/Democrat stickers. I left the scene, went home, and as I hoped Amazon had an off the shelf Burglar costumes made by 7 year old Chinese prisoners that were in my practical joke price range.By the NEXT DAY I had the costume and on voting day, I dressed up and drove down to the ballot box. There was a different poll watching person, different truck, but same Trump stickers.
The MAGA drop box watcher was so startled when I got out of my car and melodramatically silent film style faux snuck over, he forgot to film me. He rolled down his window and said “who the hell are you supposed to me?” I held up my (and my girlfriend's) ballot so it looked like I was voting twice and said (pretty fluently if I do say so myself)
"Lo siento, señor, no hablos Inglese, por mi pero baile la Rhumba todo Sábados”
(A BIG shout out to Nadine Fiedler of Portland Oregon for giving me the dog part of my reply way back in the 1970's as a joke from a spanish language school book) As the pollwatcher gaped, I jumped in the truck and drove off while he was trying to take a pic of my license plate. I now have the appropriate clothing when I take the Oath of Office.
Costume on Amazon: $17
Gas to voting drop box: $5
Look on MAGA poll watcher’s face: PRICELESS
