Desert Rebel

10/27/2025

10/24/2025

I wanted to share something. It might be of interest or something you skip over cause it doesnt seem relevant to you. I encourage you to read anyway because it is important for everyone, to be informed about what abuse actually is. If not for you, then for your children, family, friends, or hell as a community member who cares about one another!

I had convo where I caught myself feeling like I had to defend myself for sharing my pain and then decided it was an opportunity to inform the person that things are not always as they seem looking from the outside. It inspired me to share some things. Because as someone who has integrity, it hurts to be judged. It hurts to have someone deny your truth because of they hear only one side of the story.

I was married for 8 years, it was moons ago and in that time, I was back-handed while pregnant; fracturing my nose. I was once chased down the street, as I ran away for help. I was slapped then strangled. I had my hair pulled, forcing me to the ground. I've been pushed and pulled. I was held at gunpoint, lined up against the wall, little ones beside me, as I hid my children's eyes with my fingers.

In those years there were only 7ish physical assaults with lots of time in between. However, there were thousands of emotional and verbal abuse incidents. Physical intimidation, aggressive body language, yelling, slamming doors, throwing things and breaking items. Loads of minimizing feelings, using vulnerabilities against me, put downs and many insults to who I am and how I showed up as a person. All ways to make me small so he felt in control because inside, he and others like him, were out of control.

There were other partners that followed for me, mostly emotional and verbal abuse, filled with passive agressive insults, blaming and shaming, degradations, stalking and harrassment. Its typical of those who were abused, to continue reliving versions of the same story with new people, desperate for resolve while being unconsciously driven to the exact same pattern, over and over again. Sometimes less violent, others even more...even death if not of body, then of self.

Abuse isnt just being hit. Most abuse is done without a si

10/24/2025

I do not know what is going on but the towers keep crumbling, the sewage is backed up and it stinks like death. Bites are popping up all over, but the ointment is empty.

Judgment and criticism seeping out from some crack I can't find. Mysterious it is. I sense its stemmed from blindness. We can all be biased by our own history.

Infection oozes from a pattern made evident, with swollen tongues and mean eyes. People say what they think with no facts or truth to back it up At this point, I am ALMOST entertained.

Be silent, I am told as my feelings on the subject don't quite matter, or its in conflict, or possibly, my truth stings a bit too much. They want me to shrink. I think I am just misunderstood. I guess I am ok with that.

No one can really know someone elses inner world, what their heart aches about and their soul needs. Unfortunately, compassion and curiosity, seemed to have disappeared.

At least this has been my experience these days. I feel I must question what I say, what I do, and who I am. Its the pleaser in me, the lost child in me, the abused woman in me that is triggered by all this.

Hey I know I am changing and that change brings discomfort for those accustomed to that old pattern. I am overwhelmed by it too. Speaking up, being authentic. The world feels heavy and my inner world feels heavier.

So its time. Take a step back and respect the meaning of it. Feel the feelings, but don't become the feelings. I have lost a lot and gained more. So I will leave it there for now.

10/03/2025

I think I will make me a tshirt.

Only ships I will make space for are number 1, ME and the OG(divinity), family, good friends, my animals, and my plants (we talk).

10/03/2025

It's unfortunate for me to say that I have experienced them all. Although it's because of the side effects of abuse, that has drawn me to do my own healing work. And now, pursuing a new career in mental health to serve others with PTSD/Complex PTSD.

Swipe the slides for more info. Btw, is a wonderful coach and speaker, and I am confident her book is wonderful.

09/28/2025

My hair is representing the state of my life this morning and I wouldnt have it any other way. Leaning into all this growth and I am proud of myself for never letting anything stop me from learning the lessons and finding grace on this journey I am meant to experience. Wild hair and all.

#

09/22/2025

In my feels. Thanks Modest Mouse.

09/13/2025

Gettin in touch with my roots with the moms at the Filipino-American Fiesta here in Joshua Tree.

09/11/2025

I am often inspired, and when I am, I write. Sometimes, a soft poem or heated prose. Sometimes, I share a personal story and the lessons learned from it. Not to just "share" but to resonate with someone who might need that message. I was told recently not to post some of my personal feelings on social media because it might call a person or situation out. My intention isn't to do so. Otherwise, I could do so quite dramatically if I intended to. I post to express myself as I have always done over the years. When someone likes a post, I believe its because they've gained something from the message or want to validate a thought. Either way, it connects us, and it's my way of showing up. Some people write songs and sing them before a crowd, others take photos and me, I write. So no, I won't stop being me.