09/17/2023
When my father passed away I could only look upon him for a moment and then I needed to turn away. I didn't even have any comforting words while his soul was going up to heaven and he looked upon me behaving so useless. Something like,"Be free dad, your burdens are gone,be free."I just kept crying. I just kept wondering why, why, why, why?
Today, I feel this growth inside of me. A growth that God has placed inside of me.
I am God's field. God's farm.
He planted this yearning inside of me to be more of a person than just chasing after some selfish thing. Our job as people is to help each other find these little moments of elation between the toil and the uncertainty and struggle. The going after, the getting and the winning. My whole life I was focused on how to win. I was turning into a competitor. That whole time I should have been cultivating kindness.
Instead I became bitter. Holding on to my tragedies, pains and upsets.. to honor these horrors is like giving them a place of importance. Try as I might to overcome them and surpass them. But I never faced them so I could admit to what they were which were horrible events. Horrors in my life.
Loving someone is surprising in ways you don't expect when you first fall in love. The longer you live with someone they're disappointments become yours. They're sadness, their pain. And that's what love should be. A harbor. A shelter. But when you discover that loving people can't make them happy anymore you feel useless.Where you used to feel useful. Feeling called to be something is a good thing as long as we consider what that calling is tied to because sometimes the thing that we're called to can break our hearts. Even when it starts from love.I'm called by the memory of my father and my loved ones that are past, by tragedies that I won't let define me and by the yearning that I still have deep inside to be a winner. But these days winning means happiness, health, love and joy.