Renee Rigdon is So Glad You Are Here

06/21/2024

This post brought to you by Renee, who has had to backspace nearly every comment they have almost posted on the Spicy Cat God's Great Internet this morning.

Something to think about today (and often): Are you interacting WITH the world, or interacting AT the world?

Are you responding to what is really happening in front of you or are you responding to your worldview within what is happening in front of you?

Are you reacting to the present or the past? Or are you predicting the future?

It can be hard to know the difference.

I love you.

06/21/2024

Something I wish that someone had told me, early in my grief, that maybe I wouldn't have been able to hear at the time:

You don't have to get over it. Or past it. Or through it. Certainly not on anyone's timeline (including your own).

I felt so much more pain from the pressure to feel better to make other folks feel better. The pressure to follow others' narrative any laughter or smiles I have are a sign of how well I'm doing, rather than just me getting through the world the best that I can.
The pressure to make sure no one was ever too worried or bummed out by my SAD WIDOW STUFF.

*Almost* all of this pressure was internal rather than external. But it would have helped to hear, externally,

"it's okay that this is going to change you forever. whomever you are on the other side of this, and during this, is an absolutely fine person to be in this world."

"It's okay that the way that you carry pain this isn't always graceful. It's okay if you don't feel it getting lighter, because it will at least get different, and sometimes even beautiful."

So I'm saying it now. So that anyone who needs it in the future can hear it. So that maybe our limited human understanding of time means that maybe past me is hearing it, and i just don't know because I don't know how time works.

It's okay. However you move within the tragedies and frustrations of your life, it's okay. You get to be okay. Right where you are. At least some of the time.

I love you.

06/04/2024

Lexpomo 3. Honestly, I'm not 100% sure I would consider this an acceptable entry, but it's what was in my heart to share today.

06/01/2024

Just me, doing my absolute best, writing poems about plants and making grandma canva graphics.

Image description: Poem on a background of a photograph of mulberries. Poem reads:

Mulberries don't need plucking.

home your hand
beneath the tender humid air of branches &

Beckon

the beseeching softness of fingers
—in call
the berry arrives
—in response

a summersweet yielding to the vessel of your palm.

05/25/2024

Fragrance weirdo update (quick recap, I decided to get super into fragrance in 2024 and have been trying to figure out what scents I'm really drawn to): Lately, there's at least a little note of really good lavender in every fragrance that I really love. Right now, it's Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab's "Gossip, Slang, and Cuss-Words" which has notes:

- lavender
- mallow
- orris root
- angelica
- frosted vanilla bean
- osmanthus

Osmanthus adds kind of an apricot/peach vibe that makes me feel like I'm walking through an orchard.

What are you into these days?

I'll be at the shop from 12:30-5 today, come say hi and check out all our awesome deals.

05/23/2024

I've decided I'm going to have what I'm calling a "French Coastal" summer. The rules:

At least a little bit of my glorious genderqueer belly is always going to be a little visible.

I'm going to eat so many pastries.

If I can do any of this near a body of water, bonus points.

05/16/2024

We have spaces left in a few classes over the next five days.

Getting to Know Your Sewing Machine
Eraser Carving
Floral Embroidery
Needle Felted Mushrooms

https://lexcreativereuse.simpletix.com

While there, check out everything we have coming up for the rest of the month!

04/26/2024

Every once in awhile, I get overly proud of myself for how good I am doing at learning how to be loving towards myself. Then I'll start thinking, "I bet I'm too kind to myself."

Then I'll have a day where my uterus is being a jerkwad and I handled two really challenging widow tasks on what is probably the hardest day of grief week and then I wonder why I'm not being more productive and decide I'm just being lazy.

Notes to self:
•"normal" people also need rest on hard days, not just you
• lazy actually isn't a bad thing most of the time, that's just weird puritan capitalist nonsense
• pain sucks and pushing through it to accomplish objectively optional tasks is not aligned with the current mission structure of my life
• it's unlikely that I will ever be "too kind" to myself, and when I try to examine that, i'm not even really sure what that's supposed to mean

Notes to you:
• however you are doing today, you are likely doing a good enough job at it.
• actually maybe try doing a little less and see how that feels
• we aren't supposed to be reliable machines. We're supposed to be mammals cuddling in a forest by a stream as the sun dapples across our warm fur.

04/26/2024

I've been fighting to get access to his books for the past couple years, but Matt Rigdon's books are finally under my control.

Need a heartfelt, hilarious and chaotic weekend read? I'd love to recommend Domestic Villainy https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01AF89YLM

He was working on a sequel. It's not finished. It's sitting in his files waiting for me to be brave enough to read it.

If you read his book, I would love if you would review it. It's so good.

Ever forgo your lifelong dreams of world domination for marital bliss and the joys and struggles of parenthood? Doctor Destructo did. Now the cohorts and enemies of his past are back with a plan that even he may not be able to stop. With the help of his superheroine wife, government coworkers, an...

04/23/2024

It's been two and a half years. The thirtieth invocation of grief week. Something about my grief at the half mark is always so much more powerful than even the anniversaries. I think, in a way, it is not an anniversary of his passing that April brings, but an anniversary of my reality settling into my body. The first death rattles of my magical thinking that there was some way, any way, I could find my way to him.

I have been Orpheus and Rocket Man and I do think it's going to be a long, long time still, until I start to recognize my life as something other than just The Old Widow Rigdon. I'll always be that, but maybe one day, I'll start recognizing more glimmers of this person I'll be for the rest of my life, and all the wonderful things that are going to happen.

I haven't kicked the disbelief entirely. I'll pick up my phone to tell him this joke I just thought of. I'll suddenly, beset by a memory of that awful week, or of how just a moment ago we were laughing together, curled up, and now he's gone, and I will say out loud, "What the actual f*ck."

Because how the actual f*ck did that happen? How is he gone? How am I a Widow?

The truth is, I don't fully want to kick the disbelief. It's microseconds of time travel back to my old life. It's a visit. A pass. A privilege.

I hate that one day every one of you will make sense of the things I am writing, which I can only imagine sound unhinged now. I hate that there are many of you who can already make sense of it. I hate that I can.

But I love him. I love you. I have been realizing lately, actually really love me, too. Please don't say you are proud of me for any of it. It feels awful for people to be proud of me for experiencing tragedy. I get it. I know. You don't have to say it.

04/02/2024

How are you celebrating National Poetry Month?

03/27/2024

A little thing I’m trying to be mindful of:

If someone tells me that something is hurting them, is my reaction to tell that person that the same thing does not hurt me?

If a joke hurts someone else, is my first reaction to tell them that I don’t find the joke offensive?

If a person tells me they don’t like being misgendered, do I tell them I don’t mind what anyone calls me?

If a person expresses a fear, do I tell them I am not afraid of that thing? Or that there’s nothing to be afraid of?

Follow up Questions:

Do I genuinely believe that the conversation was meant to be a checklist of our individual tolerances to distress?

Or do I think maybe that person was seeking support, care, and understanding?

If the latter, how am I feeling about that approach where I kept the focus on my needs, opinions, and comfort level?

We can always do better by each other. This is one of the ways I try.

03/26/2024

What is something, big or small, that you like about yourself? You can name as many as you'd like, but I challenge you to tell us at least one and to cheer each other on.

I like about myself that I care deeply about the ways we all strive to make the world a more survivable place.

I like that my heart grows three sizes when I see someone organize a protest that my PTSD won't let me attend but that I know will be a rallying point for people who are trying to change the world.

I like that my heart swells with pride when someone shows off a cool outfit they put together.

I love that I am shaken to my core by poems that tell the whole damn truth, even when it hurts, even when it lays bare everything about all of us in a few lines.

I love you. All the way through. And I like that about us.

03/21/2024

What is your favorite way to accommodate yourself?

I struggle with demand avoidance, building routines, hygiene, anxiety, and overwhelm. To help I:

-keep disposable toothbrushes with a little glob of toothpaste built in in the car so I can brush my teeth in the car if I forget

-I almost always have headphones with me

-I will go out of my way to never schedule more than one major activity per day.

-I am working on getting better at asking for body doubling support

What are yours? Do you need help coming up with ways you can be supported? Maybe the comment section can help.

03/21/2024

How many tabs do you have open right now?
🤦
🫣
😆

37. In this tab group.

03/13/2024

Folks that eat a primarily plant-based diet that also like to cook ahead:

What are your favorite meals to make that freeze well?

03/12/2024

03/12/2024

I was thinking today about the platitudes that are offered to those living inside grief, especially in early grief when we are all so desperately motivated to ease the suffering of our loved ones. When we all mean so well.

Its very possible to be there for someone who is experiencing a loss that you don't understand from experience. Even if you haven't lost someone or something close to you yet, you can imagine that it would be awful.
• You can tell them that it really sucks that this happened.
• That you want to know how the griever is feeling, if they want to talk about it.
• That you want to hear more about who or what they lost, if they want to talk about it.
• You can show up with food and hugs. You can ask if you can wash their dishes.
• You can promise to be there for them then honor your promise.

Hell, you can even offer your platitudes about how grief is like a wave, or that grief is love with nowhere else to go, or how you personally believe that those who die are still with us, watching over us, or that you believe that the pain will make the person in grief stronger or they'll be back to their old selves soon or ...

You can, but you really, really don't have to. And it might be better if you didn't.

03/12/2024

I went outside and stood for a short time, barefoot in the grass.

I let the earth warm me, and in turn, I warmed the earth. It was a token gesture. A child helping with the chores, not because they are great at it, but because we all feel best when we get a chance to help out.

And because that’s how we learn.

03/07/2024

There are still plenty of spaces in my needle felting class this evening if you are looking for a fun way to spend your Thursday evening from 6-8. We are making birds!

02/24/2024

People sure were feelin' foxy in February! My class is sold out for this week. We will be needle felting again in March!

If you still want to make foxes (or squirrels, turtles, mice, dinosaurs, moths, or just about any cute lil guy you can imagine), you can book private individual and group lessons through my site. I absolutely want to teach you how to do any handcraft that I have the ability to teach.

Let's do this!

02/20/2024

Met two other widows today. I’ve felt lately like I have talked about grief too much, and have been trying to do it only when it makes sense.

It’s another unkind way of making myself small. I do better than I used to, but I am so good at finding new ways to abandon myself. It was good to feel like it made sense to talk about Matt for awhile today. To talk about other spouses, gone on or forward or something …

If it were you, I would tell you to talk it out as much as you want to. Not need to. Want to.

I want to know how you are doing.

I love you.

02/15/2024

Tip for dealing with the bereaved: Invite us places.

For widow(er)s, the person that we did activities with, or the person we came home to to talk about our activities, is gone. We wake up into this world where all our adult pals already have folks with whom they go to parties/sales/fundraisers/nature. For a lot of us, it feels impossible to insert ourselves into these dynamics. Our routines ended and we don't fit into anyone else's.

I used to love to go to activities with Matt or by myself. When I went by myself, sometimes I would have an amazing connection, sometimes it would be painfully lonely. But after the loneliness, I could just come home and Matt would make me feel seen, connected, and valued. If I have a bad time now, it's just me here, and I am meaner to me than almost anyone else could ever conceive of being to me.

I usually can't risk feeling super isolated, so I end up isolating to protect myself from this. I just don't go anywhere I'm not invited. I don't explore. That's my fault, but I also completely understand where I'm coming from. I look at photos of people out having a blast and just think, welp, you aren't brave enough to go solo so get f*cked, I guess.

In the widow groups I'm in online, I am lucky to see that I'm not the only widow who feels this way. This is a pretty common effect of partnered loss, especially in folks who are young enough that they don't have very many people in their age group who have experienced this distinct flavor of grief. I would imagine it is present in all forms of grief, because the grieving are just so difficult to interact with for so many folks. No judgement, it's just data.

Back to the tip: Invite us places. A lot of us don't feel wanted in any aspect of our lives anymore. We might say no. Depending on the wave of grief we are in, we might very likely say no. But chances are, it will mean more to us than you can possibly imagine just to know that you want us there.

✨🌈✨

02/13/2024

What are you super into right now? Hyperfocus, hobby, special interest, curiosity, hit us with your best stuff!

I'm super into fragrances right now. I've always been into crafting a vibe through the use of scents in my house and car, but I have mostly steered clear of any kind of skin fragrance. I tend to think I hate perfumes because bad ones, overly applied, do give me migraines. I've been experimenting with smaller perfumeries and have been really enjoying exploring the wildly interesting scentscapes these folks create. In typical me fashion, I have a database to track my samples so that I can eventually save up and grab a full size bottle of a special signature scent or two.

I'm also into watching Dimension 20 on Dropout TV, resetting and organizing my house (there's a database for this, too 😂), and getting clear on what I want the second half of my life to look like. And Notion, which is the app I use to make all my lil (expansive, immersive, complete) autistic lists

What are you into? Let us cheer you on!

02/06/2024

Join me for a crafting challenge!

02/05/2024

Lots of awesome classes coming up! I still have four spaces in my frame weaving class tomorrow, and there are lots of spots available for Sequoia Ananda's awesome Kumihimo class on Thursday.

Sign ups are here:

02/05/2024

My birthday is coming up this week. I am glad to be getting into 44 and out of 43, which has been a year I haven’t really wanted to look at very closely, since it was the first year I had to be older than Matt.

I would like hugs from as many of you that are huggers over the upcoming month to celebrate. Come hug me at the creative reuse center on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, or Sundays. Ask me to come hug ya over coffee (you don’t have to buy me coffee, this is a cheap birthday). Come over and hug me on the velvet green couch while we eat popcorn and play movies. If it’s nice out, we can hug in the forest.

02/04/2024

Last day of the bag sale at Lex Center for Creative ReUse. Come see us until 5p!

Then for February, get some extra crafting love by shopping with us 2-6p on Mondays. Have a job where you are usually off on Mondays but everything is closed? Come see me!

01/27/2024

It’s the 27th monthiversary in a row that I have whispered, “happy monthiversary” into the ether instead of his ear.

If he were here, we would find some way to celebrate the 27th 27th. If he were here, we wouldn’t have that terrible milestone.

Instead, it would be our 301st.

01/26/2024

Poets: please share with us your favorite poem that YOU created.

Readers: please share with us your favorite poem