11/02/2023
A story...
Just today, a friend of mine shared this story of his friend (we’ll call her Diane) – on being asked to officiate a wedding.
Soon after getting engaged, a young couple approached Diane, a long-time family friend, asking her to conduct their ceremony – to be their officiant.
Diane did not know how to say no. She absolutely did not want to do this. Not skilled or comfortable in public speaking, no tangible writing skills or even interest in such a role – she still accepted this honorable assignment, a ‘one and done’ event. She later wished she would have declined and suggested someone else, but the wedding date was getting closer, and she made a commitment that she would have to honor.
For several months, Diane’s angst grew. She had no clue about the
responsibilities of officiating: from the legalities, the coordination of all involved parties, collaboration with the venue or other wedding vendors – even any music or musicians. Who takes care of that? Did she need to wear something special? Now she has to figure out how to get licensed in order to do this thing she did not want to do.
As the wedding day approached, Diane became more troubled, yet could not bring herself to be excused from such a responsibility. She lost sleep, she even lost weight – not something she needed to do. But the big day was approaching, and she had to really dig in now.
The soon-to-be Mr. & Mrs. felt they didn’t need to bother with an actual rehearsal. After all, they were all friends – right? They would figure it out and a dinner would be enough. Apparently, no one had thought about the order in which the bridal party would walk the aisle, or even the parents – much less, how the bride would enter or how/when the couple would exit the chapel once married.
The day was here - and Diane had zero sleep the night before. There was a dinner a couple of nights prior that turned into a party, a drinking party, and nothing was rehearsed. Diane was not assertive enough to step up to this group to insist that some level of organization and practice take place.
Diane was as ready as she could be. She wrote a script and blessing that she derived from various online sources. While she knew the couple for many years, there was no real time or attention paid to ‘their story’ so that she could write a more personalized ceremony. She just did not want to be there, and it showed. As the bridal party spent most of their morning getting glamorized, time was slipping away and there was very little focus on the actual flow of the ceremony.
Diane thought to herself – well, she was selected for this role, but why not to be a part of the bridal party. Granted, she would save a lot of money in all those responsibilities and expenses that have become commonplace in recent years: not just the dresses and shoes, the bridal shower and the personal shower, to now destination bachelorette parties. Even so, the bride and groom never offered to pay Diane for her time and effort, and not having been a professional or trained in any way – she did not feel comfortable asking for any type of fee.
During the ceremony and vows, there were a lot of hesitations and little eye contact because of nervousness; and no real sense of genuine affection - only discomfort to feel this awkward in front of so many. All eyes were focused – on the couple and on her. She simply wanted to disappear as she realized that this was now forever engrained through video and photography. There was no audition, no rehearsal, and it was evident.
The bride and groom later expressed to Diane that they were sorry they put her in that place. She was not so close as to be asked to stand up in the wedding, and while they were looking for ways to save money, they sought out a friend to take care of the nuptials. The ceremony was not as ‘special’ as it might have been. Live and learn.
The takeaway is twofold. First, learn how to say no.
If you cannot afford to be a part of a bridal party and all the expenses and expectations, gracefully decline and be honest about it. Something like “I appreciate the invitation, but this is not a good time for me. If there is some other way I can participate, do let me know.”
If you find yourself in Diane’s position, gracefully decline and suggest another option – even to offer a special reading or prayer.
Afterall – maybe you just want to be a guest at this celebration, without any legal requirements, complex planning, or responsibilities. Just being a guest, maybe an honored guest, would be the best way to take part in someone else’s special day.
