02/23/2024
My future feels bright again. Ive been making short and medium term goals again. Can't wait for surgery so I can get back to working again.
Career wise I'm seriously about helping folks in need. If I can put in 20 good years of giving back to addicts and folks in need, I think Ill feel like a balanced human again. The loose plan is to work for CCC when the time comes and go back to school and learn myself somethin.
I love playing music but Ive packed my gear away till Im stable in all areas of my life. Only now have i just started to listen to music again on the daily. I miss playng so much.
I'm treating myself to a trip to Astoria via the bus this weekend. $18 each way. Time on the beach, away from the energy of downtown PDX is very much needed. I plan on swinging by Merry Time Bar & Grill owned by the amazing Terry Robinett, for some eats.
My struggles with communication are getting better but there is lots of room for improvement. Tis daunting. I still have trust issues and trauma and old habits to break.
I could use some hematite, if someone wants to donate some. I could meet you to pick it up or you could meet me downtown. With the amount of deaths and dying and overdoses the energy here is stifling and i could use some incense like nag champa or superhit and Sage if folks want to help out. Anything to help ground me. My building has had so many deaths and so much neg energy that there is a floor I DO NOT GO because of the presence of half seen entities roaming around.
Im looking for a sponser (Samantha) but its still hard to ask for help. I dont feel like using, most everything seems to trigger me NOT to use. Life is lifey and ive learned my triggers have been lackof understanding and heavy emotions cuz i lack healthy coping skills, my favorite being w**d or thc.
I'm beginning to open myself up to healthy friendships again and learning to set better boundaries for the folks in my life and for my sanity. I'm busy during the day M-F, usually till about 4pm. Im free weekends.
While I care if you use, dont feel like that is a deal breaker for hanging out with me. Be respectful about it. For me, I'm done with everything except microdosing shrooms and thc, but that is on hold till im done with this cycle of treatment. I may never get back to those, but those have rarely been anything but helpful in my life.
Those of you who have offered support, been supportive, I have so much love for you. It is hard to watch someone you like do themselves dirty and the lie we tell ourselves is that were only hurting us when we abuse things like drugs.
After 30 years of hedonistic abuse, im still that funny, witty guy who loves music more than people.
If I have wronged you and youre willing to let me repair the bridge between us, I am about it. If youre not, I understand, and Im still sorry for my part in that. Trust is hard, the proof is in the pudding and thats why im always pudding my s**t on blast. Trust is earned over time and without proof may just be words from an addict. I get it. If my transparency can help others, its a win.
Growth takes time no matter how much info we process and learn. true change takes time and im gratefull for having the time to walk the walk.
Looking back Ive walked in abstinence but never recovery and for me, recovery is dealing with the MH and the addiction, which I had never done before 2020. That missing component cant be ignored.
I have shined before and I shall shine again. MH and therapy has helped with my dependence on acceptance from the wrong people, often the popular people. The line between friends and person Ive known for 20 years has always been blurry and that has not served me well. I know who has tried to sabotage me in the public eye, who has threatened me, who has tried to manipulate me and I've been ok with that for far too long thinking I needed to as some sort of penance. I also know my behavior has sabotaged me. I dont blame you for being you, i blame me for thinking being well liked meant you were a decent person. Ive come to actually realize that being honest with myself is a huge turn off to fu*****ds and i chuckle as the trash takes it self out while keeping my name in their mouths.
Thanks for reading, for following, for hating and loving me. Life is lifey. Feel free to text me at 971 270 0132 if you need support, resources, have questions or want to know from the source, what im going through.
Be well
Kdw
