08/24/2020
Celebrations in times of uncertainty.
Over the last few months I’ve had several clients say that they don’t want to do two or more small family events, so they are putting things on hold. Instead of waiting to do one large event, it might be nicer for your guests to do a few smaller get-togethers. They would appreciate having more time to visit with you and your day can be expanded to more than a four-hour reception. After a phone call with my parents, I realized that my family has had several occasions where the events were split up. Sometimes by choice and other by acts beyond their control.
My mom’s parents had two wedding days.
When Harry met Sally, they knew each other for just 3 weeks when they got married. They met at a ballroom in New York City in 1939. Both were older and neither thought they’d get married; grandma was 36 and grandpa was 38. Grandpa worked for the city of New York Department of Licensing, so they slipped into the courthouse to have a weekday elopement. Several weeks later they had a ceremony in the temple followed by a luncheon at a restaurant (that my great aunt paid for as a wedding gift to her older sister.) The wedding was typical for the time. My grandmother knew they were legally married, but she didn’t move into her husband’s house until they were married by a rabbi.
My dad told me that he had two bar mitzvah receptions. This seemed odd, but there was a good reason.
On November 25, 1950, one of the strongest nor'easters of the 20th century lashed New York City on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, with 70 mph winds and over 1.5" of rain. With the storm, temperatures dropped from low 60s to mid 30s and caused much of the family from Connecticut to stay home. He still had his service with those who could walk to the temple service in Brooklyn. That should have been the worst part, but the wind was so strong that it blew the door on the temple shut. As it happened, Dad’s uncle was entering as the door at that time and broke his leg. My grandfather took him to the hospital and missed the service.
Originally, they had planned on having a few friends and cousins outside/adults inside reception at home. My grandmother worked tirelessly to prepare all the food and set the house up for a long open house style event. There was no DJ or formal meal, just family and friends stopping by to get some food and wish him Mazel Tov. While adults mingled upstairs, Dad and his friends played games in the basement & outside.
The second reception was the following Saturday with family & cousins who could finally drive to Brooklyn. The adults sat in the living room and listened to the wire recording of dad’s Torah portion, while the cousins played. Then everyone had lunch and departed back to Connecticut.
It was not the mitzvah event they had planned, but it was nice since my dad got to see his friends one weekend and his cousins the next.
In writing this I realized, I had two wedding ceremonies too.
My dear spouse and I were married in May of 1990. When he converted to Judaism in 2001, we were married again in a Jewish ceremony.
Covid wedding ceremony and zoom.
After working with a couple for a year, they decided to postpone their entire wedding and reception until next year. Then I got a call saying that they decided to get married and asked me for an officiant. The wedding ceremony was private and they just wanted his parents there; her parents would attend by zoom. I was ordained several years earlier but had never done a wedding. I was honored when they asked me to perform their simple ceremony.
We met on the day they desired at their wedding venue for next year and I quietly married them. As we plan out the events of next year I am really excited to tell people where they were married and I won’t mention the two separate dates.
All the stories are true, and what is unique is that they all will have separate events to celebrate one moment. If circumstances had been different, families would have happily attended- but everything worked out regardless.
Since we do live in interesting times, you can reach out to your guests and let them know that you’d still like to celebrate with them. Send an e-mail with a link and how they can choose just 1 time and date to visit. You choose the dates and times, they can choose when to attend, for example using event attending sign up software.
Look for a software like https://signup.com/ or https://www.signupgenius.com/ where you can have a set number of spaces available for people to pick. Once those spots are filled, then no one else can attend. You might be surprised at how many guests will be honored just for the invitation, even if they choose to decline.
While it is fine to say ‘I’ll just wait- its fine’, you may miss the opportunity to have the exact event that you imagined. Think about a time when you wanted something then you got it and realized that it wasn’t what you thought. Keep this in mind as you plan your event. Keeping to your vision can be difficult when the cold shoulder of reality hits. We should embrace the changes that have happened and accept them. Continue to live, not just be alive.
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