Caledonian Cowboy

Caledonian Cowboy Caledonian Cowboy promotes the various written, performance and craftsman works of Johnny Gauld. He's part Huckleberry Finn, part Oor Wullie.
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Johnny 'Caledonian Cowboy' Gauld is the enthusiastically humorous and engaging piper/poet, writer, adventurer and all round Scottish raconteur, whose tales songs, stories and poems are the perfect antidote to whatever ails you! A cross between Bill Bryson and Indiana Jones. A modern day Burns with a hint of McGinn...H. Rider Haggard meets Moses! As well as as being a well seasoned performer of the

works of Robert Burns, Caledonian Cowboy has a massive repertoire of his own hilariously honest poems, songs and tales to entertain every size of audience. Whether it be his one man show or with his army of performers with 'Wee Jock's Big Braw Scottish Nite', Caledonian Cowboy is more than able to bring laughter and entertainment to every type of event. He also regularly hosts whisky and rum tasting events at numerous venues, and has also hosted steak tasting dinners. With an ever-growing roster of ceilidh and folk performers, Caledonian Cowboy regularly performs with a vast array of qualified and professional musicians capable of entertaining any corporate or private party. Caledonian Cowboy Collective is a full time 15 piece professional pipes & drums band who have performed at many of the finest venues in the country. The Collective can tailor it's numbers to suit, from a solo piper to a full 30 piece Collective. Speaking and performing are only a small part of Caledonian Cowboy's career and he is also a successfully published author of original poems and songs, as well as works in both fiction and non-fiction.

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As a piper, he has performed at all of Scotland's major music festivals such as T in the Park, Rockness, The Wickerman, Live at Loch Lomond and Belladrum. He has also performed on many of Glasgow's famous stages i.e. The Barrowland Ballroom, the 02 Academy, The S.E.C.C., The Hydro, The A.B.C., Glasgow Green, Hampden and The Tallship. Other venues in Scotland include The Edinburgh Festival Fringe, The Picture House, Corn Exchange and Liquid Rooms in Edinburgh, the Caird Hall, Motherwell, The A.E.C.C. in Aberdeen, amongst many more. Some of the well known singers and bands that Caledonian Cowboy has performed with are - Ian Brown, Madness, The Alabama 3, The Aliens, Steve Mason, The Enemy, Deacon Blue, The Horne Section, The Stone Roses, Bill Drummond, The Amphetameanies, The Lee Thompson Ska Orchestra, Ruts D.C., Paul Heaton & Jacqui Abbott, and The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu. Caledonian Cowboy was also the solo piper to launch the Queen's Baton for the Commonwealth relay/Glasgow 2014.

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A massive thanks to Caledonian Cowboy’s pals Joe, Mike and Steve - The Brass Monkeys - and not forgetting percussionist ...
10/12/2024

A massive thanks to Caledonian Cowboy’s pals Joe, Mike and Steve - The Brass Monkeys - and not forgetting percussionist supremo, Mez, for this belter of a t-shirt.

The lads are the long time brass and percussion section for the mighty Madness and had bought the piper a present for his 50th birthday…they took so long to send it, that they included a card saying -

‘Let us be the first to wish you a very happy 51st birthday!’

Love it…thank you…and braw!

A shot amongst the stars…Caledonian Cowboy with his pals The  Alabama 3 at the O2 Academy Glasgow.Braw!
10/12/2024

A shot amongst the stars…Caledonian Cowboy with his pals The Alabama 3 at the O2 Academy Glasgow.

Braw!

09/12/2024

IF YOU MEET DEATH…TELL HIM FROM ME…ADIOS!

Caledonian Cowboy’s EXPLOSIVE collection of western short stories is shootin’ up the town…why not pull the trigger and secure yourself a copy for Christmas.

£10 in total (which includes U.K. postage & package)…. Available NOW!

https://caledoniancowboy.com/shop

08/12/2024

What a beezer of a gig with The Alabama 3 on Friday past…a quick cut video with a flash shot of Caledonian Cowboy taking the stage to open.

Braw!

Had a Haddie!  # 5- Portknockie Fish & Chip Shop, 7 Union St. PortknockieFor one night only…and…filmed in glorious techn...
06/12/2024

Had a Haddie! # 5

- Portknockie Fish & Chip Shop, 7 Union St. Portknockie

For one night only…and…filmed in glorious technicolour…

Caledonian Cowboy proudly presents -

‘A Piper an’ Pescare in the Port o’ Portknockie’

Starring in order of appearance -

Moira as ‘Bad Balderdash’ Beryl

&

Ian as Berty the Fryer

featuring -

Gracie as Greasy Gracie aka Croutons aka Neon

Keira as Smithy

Kaylee as Cheeky Chops aka Cheeky Chips

Lois as Dolly

Sarah as Susan aka Sausage Susan

Estelle as Smelly-Stelly-Welly-Jelly

With late special guest appearance from Finn as Wilf

…and Caledonian Cowboy as The Stranger

In loving memory of -

Elaine as Ethel

&

Lily as Slilly

***

The people of Portknockie have only one name to remember - Johnny…it’s mine…it’s easy…plus I’d answer even if they called me Shep…or just said - ‘Hey!’…but I’ve not only got 8 new names to remember…there’s also 8 nicknames…plus 5 additional pseudonyms…and that’s only those I’m working with…there’s 3 others not in attendance…and of course they all have mick-taking monikers too…I haven’t even rolled up my sleeves and my brain’s already mince!

Ah!…the rich joys of adventure!

***

If all began with a phone call…in fact, a handful of phone calls to various chippies around the country…one such call was to the wee tiny former fishing village of Portknockie…it sits way up in Banffshire…that’s on the Morayshire coast…still no idea?…to make it easy for you, imagine where Aberdeen is on the map…head North until there’s no more land in front…then turn left at the Broch (Fraserburgh)…carry on Westward for another hour…or 40 miles if you prefer…and you’ll hopefully land in Portknockie…anyway…a call was made earlier this year…I spoke to a very pleasant lassie called Moira…she seemed surprised, but also enthusiastic that I wanted to add her and her husband’s chippy to my project…’Why did you pick Portknockie!’ - she asked with a laugh…even I wasn’t really sure…other than I like to venture far and wide with all my projects…plus I had a nagging feeling I hadn’t done much in that particular area of Scotland…so I muttered a mix of my reasons…we have a further light blether…say thanks…hang up…carry on with life.

A few months later a message came in through Facebook messenger…someone saying they were sorry they hadn’t been back in touch…and that 3 great staff were leaving…and September would be better for them?…I was intrigued by the message and was sorry that brilliant staff (whoever they were) were leaving and September might work for me also…but for what?…I had no idea who this person was messaging?…I’m as adventurous as the next fellow…but if you want me to get involved…you gotta say who you are…cos at that moment I had no clue what any of this meant…then suddenly…a quick follow up message to say -

‘Sorry I should have said Portknockie Fish & Chip Shop!’

Aha!

Now I had a datum point and the ghost of former phone calls wisped back into my brain…plans were made and thanks given…it was looking good…I was dead keen to go somewhere new…a village I’d only been briefly a couple of times…but was now soon heading to to fry fish…but the best laid schemes of mice and men…and all that…September was kiboshed with a stack of gigs…October was lassoed by a run of one man shows in Oklahoma and other states…then back home…to another burst of gigs…also an invite to be at a Glasgow chippy for their chapter in Had a Haddie!…man…time was not on my side…then I couldn’t recall Moira’s name on messenger…so put Portknockie in the search bar…two sets of messages appeared…Lenny Simpson…’Hmm, that rings a bell!’…quick check…seems this Lenny bought copies of my books from my website…this was during the dark days of the pandemic…he’s from Portknockie…the other Portknockie message was from chip shop Moira…and so I messaged Moira saying I could come up the following week…almost immediately after my soon to be worked Glasgow chippy chapter…an enthusiastic response shot back…with a mild warning of -

‘I’ve absolutely no idea how it will work, but we’ll make it work! Looking forward to seeing you and having a laugh at least.’

This made me laugh…I also messaged Lenny too…he is an absolute stranger…he replied just as quick…we looked forward to meeting up too…and so…to Portknockie I go!

***

Living in my camper van…she’s called Ennio Motorhomé…so named after the maestro Italian composer…I’m at Portknockie harbour…on my own…drinking tea…going wee walks and adventures…reading two separate books…forgetting endlessly there is no internet or phone signal…so need to stop checking for emails or messages…it’s bitterly cold outside…but Ennio is cosy…arrive in the darkness of a Wednesday night…I was working a Glasgow chippy the Monday past and speaking at a do the night before…it’s been busy…go wander the neat and narrow streets of the village…except for the loose rolling and crash of the sea, it’s silent…the village dark and beautiful in its simplicity…absolutely love it…in bed early…there’s work to be done.

***

Following afternoon tune pipes down at the harbour…apart from two fisher folk and a smashing collie called Anna, there’s nobody else…I first seen Anna behind a boulder…one eye keeking out at me…she thought, no, knew this was a new game…she was dead happy…I played a couple of tunes…she ran out and dropped a block of wood as big as a house brick at my boots…the pipes would have to wait…as far as I’m concerned everything and everybody can wait until a collie is happy…if only cos they’re the best invention the world has ever known…turns out Anna is the harbour collie…she brings back the block…first just dropping it off a few metres away from me…as if she wasn’t really caring about me…at least until I clicked her over and gave her a clap…let her lick my palm…gently pulling her ears in a stroke…plus a wee chin scratch…she ran offf…returned with the block and dropped it at my feet…we were now pals…spent the next half an hour playing with her…waving over at her master working one of the boats…he waved back happily…still no one around, but us…go back to tune up my pipes…still freezing, but pipes slowly beginning to tune up…happy with sound, stop…hear a cheer…but where, up there, atop the cliffs…people waving and laughing and still cheering…burst out laughing and shout back - ‘I thought I was alone…you’re supposed to throw some coins down!’…play with Anna the collie a bit more…she’s intrigued by pipes…go talk with her master and his pal…I double check me living temporarily at the harbour…they tell me no problem…we blether about a lot of things and laugh…ask why I’m here….give an answer…both speak enthusiastically about the merits of the Portknockie chippy…’They come from miles around to go there!’ - I’m assuredly informed…no better recommendation than local recommendation…turns out one of them also knows the mysterious Lenny Simpson…but I’ll get to Simpson in due course….lock up Ennio…check kit bag and pipes…button up army coat…pull wee black tammy down atop napper…hoof up and out the harbour…heading to my shift…a few minutes later…in the village…decide to give pipes another wee blast…to blaw the bitterness out the sticks…strike up…as if like a genie out a bottle…a young man appears and immediately demands The Dark Island…he apparently had it played at his wedding…so I oblige…he films me and he’s dead chuffed…big Alan from the pub appears at the doorway of his hostelry…I briefly spoke with him the night before when looking for somewhere to get something to eat…then his Irish pal, Tommy, arrives…I stop piping…say hello…a dad and his kids appear across the road…plus countless faces at windows and bodies in doorways…then some lassie in her 20’s comes bouncing down the road…they all want more piping…it’s Alan’s birthday too…so play Happy Birthday for him…he just about bursts out greeting…people sing to him…knock out another couple of tunes…absolutely bitter…so cold…pipes are hating it, but I’m getting though…thank everyone…asked by everyone to explain why I’m here…set off…crossing the wee road…heading to the chippy…playing ‘Thou Shall Have a Fishy’…more curious and happy faces…this time at chippy windows…suddenly remember, we’ve never met…I must have looked like an absolute headcase…then there’s some sort of recognition…gestured to go round the back…the chippy sits on a wee triangular bit of land in the heart of the village…the owners house is attached…it really is a great wee set up…love it…go round back…through a tidy tiny yard of three big strides…in the back door…introduce myself…big welcome from Moira…the Moira who messaged…who quickly introduces me to her husband, Ian…he is the sole fryer…I like that…that’s how good chippys should be…none of this letting anybody breathing to go take ‘a shot’…he’s from Guernsey originally…trained and worked as a chef for a number of years…Moira is local (well, along the coast a bit, Elgin) and was once a nurse…this didn’t surprise me…she has genuine nurse qualities about her…I know…I’ve a nurse pal…Ian immediately gives me his famed Pop Pop Chicken to try…it’s magic…wee fillets of chicken in a secret recipe batter…succulent and really tasty…definitely recommend you give it a go…after introduction, and chicken, nobody too sure what to do with me…I’m used to that…it seems that nobody wants to have me working…not out of any other reason other than it probably is a bit odd that somebody is willing to work for free…but I am happy doing that…at least for the right people and reasons…so, not wanting to be too forward, but to get the shift and this chapter moving, I politely ask for a pinny and to be shown the ropes…given a branded pinny to wear…I had felt strangely naked without one…Moira had forgotten to mention a pinny to me…‘Here’s a black one…the girls prefer blue..’…peeny on…and I’m set…straight on the tattie chipper…a big metal net like a giant’s tea strainer….4 big scoops of spuds into chipper…comically fat tatties chipped into chunky chips in a second…what a machine…I like, no love, old fashioned ways and methods of working…it endlessly fascinates me…although I’m certainly no Luddite…but the time saving aspect of machinery, especially this machine, is incredible…more staff arrive…introduced to each and every one of them…a tsunami of names and pseudonyms…it’s a well staffed, but well oiled set up for such a wee chippy in such a wee place…Moira and Ian have it running like a Swiss watch…a place for everything and everything in its place…like a magical moveable jigsaw…the bits fit…at least momentarily…then all the bits move again…and fit together differently, but just as good…seems seamless to me…the only way this seemingly seamless system could be scunnered…is by…you’ve guessed it - ME!…once enough tatties have been chipped for next orders, Kiera and Dolly have me on box folding duties…both shyly laughing…me telling terrible jokes to warm them up for ongoing laughter…even sing part of a song that Dolly told me was her favourite…I don’t even know the song…just make up words to fit the title - Disconnect by Becky Hill…she bursts out laughing…box folding comes on a treat…on second last box Kiera says - ‘Oh! You could use this to help the paper.’…can only reply - ‘Bit late Kiera!…I’m nearly done…those paper inserts for the bottom of the boxes often stick together…murder trying to separate them…there was a wee damp sponge pad to moisten the fingers, thus helping take a single sheet of paper at a time…can’t help, but think my fumbling and bumbling with the sheets helped make the lassies laugh…more tatties to chip…once done, take big flexi plastic bucket through to front shop…pour chips into another bucket…ready to be fried…Moira comes through…she makes an announcement - ‘I’m going to see Tracy.’…I can’t help myself…if only because I panic at having to learn another name…no doubt with one or more nicknames to go with it…turns out I’m panicking fruitlessly - ‘Going to see Tracy.’ - is code for going to the cludgie…get a quick promotion from back shop to front shop…this is the big ‘stage’…Gracie teaches me frying in the ‘local pans’…that’s what I called them cos I didn’t know what they’re properly called…apparently they’re called basket fryers!…who knew?…everybody, but me it seemed…start on learning how to fry onion rings…’Careful, they spatter!’ - Croutons told me…she wasn’t lying…then I’m on to mozzarella sticks…‘Don’t let them go too brown!’…Jings!…’The Crouts’ (as I’ve now renamed Gracie) is stern and strict…she’s got me fearful of being reprimanded…then I progress again to Pop Pop chicken…loads of it…portion after portion…a secret recipe coating chunks of chicken is sent from the back shop on a plastic tray…then placed in the wee fryers…obviously a customer favourite…dozens upon dozens of orders come in for - ‘The Pop Pop!’…a half fillet of special fish (that’s breadcrumb instead of batter incase you don’t know because not everywhere in Scotland calls it that)…I’m happy that fish is now making an appearance…learn how to cook burgers in a press skillet…the ‘Crouts’ pipes up - ‘Always mind and scrape it down after each time!’…back in kitchen to make chips…another basket of scraps is sent in…everyone loves scraps…EVERYONE!…me included…it’s just the flaked off bits of batter collected from the fryers and nets…tastes great…no time to savour the flavour…customers are non stop…salt and vinegar…vinegar from a spray bottle…how modern!…2-3 scooshes…then a shake of salt…once comfortable with that I’m moved onto boxing a fish supper…I didn’t really give it much, in fact, any thought before I started this book…maybe deep down in my mind I thought it, but it’s not the type of concern that would cause me a moment to consider…it’s obvious that every chippy is going to have its own way on doing things…but it’s maybe how they each choose to marry fish and chips together that surprised me…the simplest, probably most popular and easiest way, is to lay a bed of chips…then sit the fish on top…some chippys like to add fish first (usually if they use cardboard box style cartons)…then scoop chips into the space between fish and box perimeter…others sit fish on inside of lid…fill chips into main compartment…close fish and lid down on top…who knew there were so many different ways to put together a fish supper?…Ian, obviously happy at my progress, invites me in to the sanctum sa****um of the chippy…the most important part of the history of fish suppers…yes, ‘Fryers Corner’…at least that’s what I’ve called it…he showed me his haddock fillets…explaining that he finishes all the filleting personally…each fish perfectly and neatly cut…although initial filleting removes bones, Ian says he likes to be sure his were totally bone free…then I’m onto battering a haddie…it’s what I’m here to do…then it’s into the fryer…use what I’ve learned elsewhere and put it to good use…thankfully no shouts of - ‘Hold on!’…’Stop!’…’Get out…NOW!’…so I’m doing something right…Ian had shown me his way of laying the fish into the hot oil with the fat side of the body downwards…going on to say it was his preferred method…he also held the fish just a bit longer…waiting for it to stop moving, as it basically stiffens cooking in the fryer…loved hearing all these wee bits and pieces…it’s just magic that fryers will allow me to come in and experience the magic of a chippy…get to try battering and frying some more haddie…I can’t explain it…but I just love making fish suppers (haddock only, mind!)…end shift standing around worktops with staff in back kitchen…everyone with their favourite dinner…obviously a fish supper for me…a rather smashing one at that…and mushy peas…Ian told me that a rep once explained mushy peas weren’t really a thing in Scotland…hmm!…maybe not so much for a takeaway, but mushy peas done right are eaten right across the country…plenty vinegar…love ‘em…English chippies always seem to have them on their menus…plus curry sauces and other condiments…Scotland likes to keep things more simple overall…these peas in Portknockie are giving the famed ‘Stanehive Peas’ from a few years ago a serious run for their money…those Stonehaven peas were also mushed and were that good I even wrote a poem about them…but now they had serious competition…finish the fish…chew the chips…pondered those perfect peas…no doubt I’ll have terribly rich and flavoursome farts in the morning…ah…what’s not to love!

Finish my shift by helping tidy up…once more forwarding my thanks and appreciation…with Moira saying - ‘No, thank you. You came all the way up here to work for nothing.’…I’m laughing…its my choice what I choose to do for any of my adventures…and if working free in a chippy is part of it, so be it…plus, there’s not much I wouldn’t do for a great fish supper like I had tonight…to serenade me into the night, Gracie and Susan put on a wonderfully mad and giggly operatic performance for me…I’m dying with laughter…but not as much as them…thinking that this is something my two big daft sisters would do…with my army jacket back on, rolled up tammy atop my head and carrying what looked like a tool bag, rather than a kit bag for bagpipes, I’m well aware I might appear as if I had another profession -

‘Aye, I’m away to break into houses now!’

They all all laugh…with Ian saying -

‘I was just about to say that!’

***

Spend day walking around coast and village …then walk old railway to town of Cullen…then back…I’m too early…21 minutes to kill…gently tap window…Ian is too focused frying…Cheeky Chops appears…I make window taps more engaged…she looks up…looks confused…then Moira appears…’Ah!’…a wave of recognition…thankfully…and happy it’s not disdain….gestured just like previous evening to go round back…happy hello’s and surprised - ‘Are you back?’…order a piece of fish as a paying customer…offer to make up boxes whilst I wait…so I do, alongside Kiera the box master who taught me how to do it the evening before…then smiling happy Finn aka Wilf appears…he tells
me he’s chuffed to meet me and was sorry he couldn’t make it the night before…we blether…says he hopes to go study art in Glasgow…reply I hope he does…he can’t wait to get to that magical city…laugh and say he’ll love it…you just can’t beat enthusiasm…especially youthful enthusiasm…my fish appears boxed up…go to pay…Moira won’t accept…try harder to pay -

‘No, you’re working again.’

…explain I enjoy working…

‘Doesn’t matter…the staff loved working with you.’

…tell her - ‘And me them.’

…so everyone is happy…and that’s more than fine by me…and into the quiet streets of bonnie Portknockie I disappear…eating a lovely piece of haddie of course.

P.S. Later that night I was sitting in the North-East corner of Scotland…in the local McBoyle Hall…eventually I did meet Lenny Simpson…we got on well!

(*Caledonian Cowboy would like to extend an honest, hearty haddie thanks to Moira and Ian Nuttall, and all at Portknockie Fish & Chips for making this possible.*)

IF YOU MEET DEATH…TELL HIM FROM ME…ADIOS!Caledonian Cowboy’s EXPLOSIVE collection of western short stories is shootin’ u...
06/12/2024

IF YOU MEET DEATH…TELL HIM FROM ME…ADIOS!

Caledonian Cowboy’s EXPLOSIVE collection of western short stories is shootin’ up the town…why not pull the trigger and secure yourself a copy for Christmas.

£10 in total (which includes U.K. postage & package)…. Available NOW!

https://caledoniancowboy.com/shop

Some shots of Caledonian Cowboy hosting and presenting the latest whisky tasting event at The Neilston Development Trust...
05/12/2024

Some shots of Caledonian Cowboy hosting and presenting the latest whisky tasting event at The Neilston Development Trust Charity.

A massive thanks to Matt Drennan for the invite and stage.

Braw!

Had a Haddie!  # 4- Old Salty’s, 337 Byres Road, Glasgow, G12-8UQGood morning, people……with no one looking… quickly get ...
04/12/2024

Had a Haddie! # 4

- Old Salty’s, 337 Byres Road, Glasgow, G12-8UQ

Good morning, people…

…with no one looking… quickly get changed out my kilt and into my ‘standard’ clobber…the clobber I wear for nearly all my adventures…I had planned to get changed in the toilet of the crematorium I’m currently playing the bagpipes at….but the floor was wet…I’m no boffin…but the liquid wasn’t all the same colour…some clear…plenty dark yellow…choose to wisely avoid going for a wee paddle in the dubious mix…nobody wants soggy socks at the best of times…I’m in a wee memorial bit of the building…there’s nobody around…I’ve already piped a coffin in for the 9.30am service…hearse driver and family car drivers either smoking or drinking coffee…can hear them laughing and talking mince…so, quick as a flash…and with only the briefest flash of my bare bum…get kilt gear off and boxers, breeks and boots on…wave a hearty and not guiltless goodbye to my funeral colleagues…to boldly set off to my work place for the day.

***

Park at Ibrox…it’s an area in Glasgow’s Southside…just incase you’re unaware or dim…or just plain narrow minded…decant bagpipes into a kit bag instead of usual pipe case…adjust pom-pom-ed tammy on head…immediately heat up…zip jacket up to my chin…a chin that’s as cold as a cube…Jings! It’s bitter…skip over road…purchase return ticket from what appears to be a frozen statue…the ticket conductor looks nearly dead…head down to platform on Inner Circle of Glasgow’s famed underground…offer myself a hard worked for smile and honest laugh…why?…oh, so many stories and adventures on the old Clockwork Orange…ah…to be young and brimming with adventure and energy…where everything you seen or did was brand new…the most magical moments…with that in mind, a wee voice speaks up - ‘Never let that thinking leave you, Johnny-boy!’…board next subway…head to Hillhead…nearly miss my stop…too busy thinking of my pal Chingy (*Brian Jardine*)…when he and me were sixteen, we met the greatest U.K. hip-hop act of all time - Hijack - at Hillhead underground…Chingy was rapping to me and generally acting daft…funnily enough, he was rhyming lyrics from Hijack…then, all so bizarrely, the South London group suddenly appeared walking down the stairs…I stood upright astounded…meanwhile wee Chingy just about fell off the platform and onto the tracks…we spoke and travelled with Hijack for a few stops…and then never stopped talking about that experience for the remainder of our lives…still laughing…get off train…turn North…head up to Byres Road…quick meal deal from Tesco…then skip up a back lane…quickly fine tune pipes…even though frozen, sounding fairly good…I’d replaced chanter reed recently…it’s been taking a while to bed in…but thankfully behaving itself now….I rarely play the piece of music I plan to play…can’t quite place a particular note in my head…so hum tune aloud…hmm…there’s still a wee bit I can’t quite catch…even in the hum…standing beside a pile of broken chairs and bottles discarded from a restaurant, I decide it easier to just sing the piece…must have been getting too much into the song…didn’t see a man walking by…until I did…laugh and nod…then say - ‘It’s a rare wee song, isn’t it?’…it is the posh and gentle West end of Glasgow i.e. not really having that ‘true’ Glasgow outlook on oddness and nutters…when I absentmindedly exclaim - ‘Aha! It’s B!’… the man looks really panicked and confused…quickens his pace…I start snottering in laughter…the ‘B’ was the note I needed to make the tune work on the pipes…can help, but wonder if the fellow had thought I was a rather odd busker with a very poor choice of place to entertain from…or just a flat out headcase …pick up my stuff…head to Old Salty's…strike up pipes and off I play…with those well known lyrics unspooling in my brain -

‘Thou shalt have a fishy,
On a little dishy,
Thou shalt have a fishy,
When the boat comes in…’

Some smiling lassie from a shop two doors down comes out to dance on pavement…her delivery driver looks bemused…people clap…enter Old Salty’s…Suri, Sabah, Jackie and Julie…all dead happy to see me..and me them…’Hey, pal! Whit d’ye stoap fer?’…look up to the mezzanine (that’s Italian y’know, means the wee middle upstairs bit!)…a jolly Glasgow man and his partner…he demands more bagpipes…explain I’m here to work…he comes down to pay his bill and blether…tells me his partner is an expert on fish…further explains she’s from Stonehouse…I don’t want to sound facetious, but enquire if he has made a mistake (although there may very well be fish experts in that particular Lanarkshire town)…I presumed he might mean the East coast fishing town of Stonehaven…turns out he did mean Stonehaven…after laughing…plus wee bit embarrassment from his ‘Stanehive’ woman…the man continued to espouse the rich fishing traditions and history of Stonehouse (sic)…all i ask, is - ‘Glasgow, don’t ever change!’…Suri is always happy…in well over quarter of a century, I’ve never known him not to be laughing…at the very least smiling…I’ll explain more later how we know each other…he kits me out with a pinny…then I’m right in behind the fryers…exchange a big strong well meant handshake with Sabah…unsure if he remembered me…but he does…yet, after all this time, I only now discover that he and Suri are brothers…many years ago my friends and I would go to the Garage night club in Glasgow every Saturday night…after 3am on the Sunday morning we, along with every other ‘we’, would stumble, bumble, crumble, shoogle and shake our way out the club and onto Sauchiehall Street…everyone had a favourite place to go next…because the World famous Mister Chips was right next door to the club, we (and other ‘we’s’) would go there…it was always rammed…always great…and never not hilarious…I remember speaking and laughing with more people in that chippy over the years than I can remember in any club…Sabah is calm and composed…but even he laughed at the mental memories…told me that Mister Chips could easy do 400 plus portions of chips and cheese on a Saturday night…I love hearing about this…I’ve written before about how cheesy chips cooled ardour between young (would be) couples…more so than bromide and bad breath combined…tell Sabah a story where his colleagues, Stevie and Derek, once sold me and my pals a bag of chips through the chippy letterbox…and they took 70 pence for it!…served us right for being drunk…and late…and daft…but the highlight for me personally was crashing into the chippy with my bagpipes one night…I had some lassie on my arm (sorry, Pinkie!) and a head bursting with madness…Suri and Margaret and Stevie and Sabah made sure, that any time I piped in Mister Chips after that episode, I would always get a free haggis supper…man, that went on for years…Mister Chips is no more…but wee Pinkie and I walked into Old Salty’s way back in 2014 when it first opened…and who was there?…Suri…then in July this year I was walking down Byres Road after playing a gig…decided I hadn’t piped for Suri for a while…reliving those crazy Saturday nights from long ago…except no whisky or utter madness (still a wee bit nuts, mind)…Suri loved it…offered me a fish supper…politely declining…I promised I’d be in touch…knowing that this project - Had a Haddie! - was soon to begin…so I sent an email…and here we are…all laughing about wild Saturday nights from a lifetime ago!

Braw!

****

Initial steps in frying at Old Salty’s are measured this morning…it’s only 11am…so I don’t expect anything overly hectic…although there are early morning eaters…coming in steady…most sitting having breakfast upstairs…reading newspapers and such…say to Sabah - ‘Just put me to work.…anything at all.’…explain to the ‘Jai’ sisters why I’m working here (Jackie and Julie, proudly telling me they are originally from Old Kilpatrick, and who look so alike that I had to pause momentarily every time I spoke with either…just to make sure I had the right one/name)…my first duty easy…one I can do without issue…shovelling chips with an enamel bowl from out of a big plastic bucket and into frying baskets…they’ll sit draining until ready to be dooked into the frying oil…Sabah reminds me not to overload the baskets…my enthusiasm far exceeds my knowledge…‘Remember, cook to order!’…I won’t lie…this is one of the very simplest jobs in a chippy…might even be the simplest…but still I was enjoying myself…takeaway wise, morning quiet…but the smashing wee restaurant upstairs stays busy…smoked salmon dishes…soups…arracini balls…fancy things that I wasn’t even sure I knew what they were whistled out from a stainless steel dumb waiter that would ‘Beep!’ a warning…two sets of sliding doors like from an old James Bond villain’s lair were slid open…and…’Tah-da!’…a freshly made lovely looking dish appeared as if by magic…obviously sent down (or up…I never did ask if kitchen was above or below…but I think below) by the chef…turns out the chef is another brother, Baka…it’s a great set up…love the difference compared to a standard chippy…thus making the ‘Had a Haddie!’ project even more enjoyable and broader…then Sabah tells me - ‘Okay, Johnny. Batter and fry the hake.’…’Heck! Never mind hake!’…I’m the new boy…minutes ago I was just scooping chips…now I’m expected to get going with big fat fillets of hake…hake to haddock…I won’t lie…I’m loving the alliteration…get battering…big rectangular stainless steel bucket…batter thick…yet coats fish uniformly…it’s difficult to really explain…just batter magic…battering done…then place fillets into boiling oil in big fryer…immediately batter begins to cook…remember technique shown to me by my very first teacher, Riccardo, on how to place fish in fryer…Sabah, ever watchful…nodded at my technique - ‘Well done.’…feeling quietly chuffed…watch the hake for a bit…no time to dream…because to scupper this natural flow, there suddenly came orders for stacks of sausages…loads of big long single and double sausage suppers to either sit in or takeaway…it seemed the ‘Sausage People’ had come out in force… I battered on with the big links…patiently waiting on the haddock people…still nothing…then a nice lady asked Sabah what he’d recommend…’Haddock supper is good.’…she smiled, then asked - ‘Really good? ‘…’Yes.’ - he replies in his calm easy way….immediately - FLASH!…I am into my super hero persona -

Brer Haddock - the Haddie Hero!

A mild mannered entertainer during the day…but an uber-mensh whenever he’s in a chippy…danger is forever abound when he’s in action…what, with fear of his cape getting caught in the tattie chipper…or his utility belt falling into the fryer….although his mask’s great at preventing hot oil splashes…health and safety, people…it’s a must!….on hearing the magic word - HADDOCK!…he immediately heads straight to his duties…chips fry high…cool temperature makes fish curl…so higher temp is also best for fish…sausage, black pudding, haggis can be put in at a lower temperature…as long as temperature is eventually brought up…Haddie is bubbling away a treat…I’m smiling like a loon…meet the lovely Jennifer From Troon…she’s just completed her degree in philosophy and heading to Manchester for weekend with her pals…this is the start of her shift…I explain my presence…conversation quickly turns to our mutual agreement on how great the Barassie chippy is just outside her hometown of Troon…no time for talk, Gauld…more haddie orders have come in…so I get back to battering and then to frying…everything going great…Sabah happy to let me get on with it…and on with it I get…don’t know if it was a rogue order…a mix up…possibly even Brer Haddie’s enthusiasm…but an extra bit of fish was fried…Sabah offered it to Julie for her break…no problem…all good…we carry on regardless…later Julie says to Sabah - ‘That was such a lovely piece of fish. Batter was perfect.’…easy and calm as always - ‘Don’t thank me, Johnny made it.’…and Johnny did…and he stood… proud as Brer Haddie has ever stood..chest out…fisted hands on his hips…imaginary cape fluttering in a breeze of chippy air…with a far off look (of a few dozen fish suppers made by his own fair hands) in his eyes’…yes, Brer Haddie knows his business…at least until a haggis he was just about to batter snapped and landed in the batter bucket…and then he gently panicked…’Sabah…eh…the haggis has snapped in two!’…Sabah, ever the teacher - Don’t worry. It often happens.’

***

Nice and unusual change to be working a chippy in the morning…I’ll tell you a wee secret …if no one bought a haddie supper during my shift…then I’d have bought a haddie supper…if only to include Old Salty’s in ‘Had a Haddie!’…I could never cheat the readers…never cheat the audience…not in any way…it would be all too easy to say/write I battered and fried a haddock, even if I didn’t…but then, where’s the mileage in that?…absolutely none…none whatsoever…I wouldn’t ever want anyone to think I lied…especially over a fish supper…the burden would be too much to bear…I couldn’t in all honestly enjoy a fish supper again if I told fibs about fish…so I don’t…and I won’t….Suri left early in my shift…Baka I never met…Sabah and the three ‘Jai’s’ of Jennifer, Julie and Jackie (for one shift only it was the four ‘Jai’s’ because I was included) and myself have a good laugh…thank everyone…blether briefly on the brothers Iraq Kurdish names…hope we all see each other again soon…get to make my own fish supper as my reward…sit at a wee table enjoying the chance…enjoying being me…enjoying life…I’ve long said -

‘That it used to be difficult to find a bad fish supper, but these days it’s hard to find a good one.’

Old Salty’s doesn’t disappoint in any way…it’s keeping, not only good suppers, but brilliantly braw suppers at the forefront in Glasgow!

Stay tuned people….

(*Caledonian Cowboy would like to extend an honest, hearty haddie thanks to Suri, Sabah and all at Old Salty’s for making this possible.*)

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Johnny 'Caledonian Cowboy' Gauld is the enthusiastically humorous and engaging piper/poet, writer, adventurer and all round Scottish raconteur, whose tales songs, stories and poems are the perfect antidote to whatever ails you! He's part Huckleberry Finn, part Oor Wullie. A cross between Bill Bryson and Indiana Jones. A modern day Burns with a hint of McGinn...H. Rider Haggard meets Moses! As well as as being a well seasoned performer of the works of Robert Burns, Caledonian Cowboy has a massive repertoire of his own hilariously honest poems, songs and tales to entertain every size of audience. Whether it be his one man show or with his army of performers with 'Wee Jock's Big Braw Scottish Nite', Caledonian Cowboy is more than able to bring laughter and entertainment to every type of event. Annually his one man Caledonian Cowboy/Robert Burns Celebratory Tour, sells out on every occasion to great acclaim. He regularly hosts whisky and rum tasting events at numerous venues, and has also hosted steak tasting dinners. With an ever-growing roster of ceilidh and folk performers, Caledonian Cowboy regularly performs with a vast array of qualified and professional musicians (billed as Caledonian Cowboy Ceilidh Collective) capable of entertaining any corporate or private party. Caledonian Cowboy Collective is a full time 18 piece professional pipes & drums band who have performed at many of the finest venues in the country. The Collective can tailor it's numbers to suit, from a solo piper to a full 36 piece Collective. Speaking and performing are only a small part of Caledonian Cowboy's career and he is also a successfully published author of original poems and songs, as well as works in both fiction and non-fiction. *** As a piper, he has played live at all of Scotland's major music festivals such as T in the Park, Rockness, The Wickerman, Live at Loch Lomond and Belladrum. He has also performed on many of Glasgow's famous stages i.e. The Barrowland Ballroom, the 02 Academy, The S.E.C.C., The Hydro, The A.B.C., Glasgow Green, Hampden, The Clyde Auditorium and The Tallship. Other venues and events in Scotland include The Edinburgh Festival Fringe, Edinburgh Castle, The Picture House, Corn Exchange and Liquid Rooms in Edinburgh, the Caird Hall in Motherwell, The A.E.C.C. in Aberdeen, The Royal Highland Show at Ingliston, amongst many more. Likewise, Caledonian Cowboy has played at a whole of celebrations and events throughout the U.K and the world with New York’s Tartan Day Parade, Sun Studios - Memphis, Checkpoint Charlie - New Orleans, Hank Williams boyhood home - Alabama, the Comedy Theatre and the Festival Hall - Melbourne, Australia, Heralding in the New Year in Fiji, and the Lady Boy Street Performers of Thailand being some of the highlights. On top of that there has been countless other performances throughout Spain, France, Italy, Dominican Republic, Czech Republic and Ireland. Some of the well known singers and bands that Caledonian Cowboy has performed with are - Ian Brown, Madness, The Alabama 3, The Aliens, Steve Mason, The Enemy, Deacon Blue, The Horne Section, The Stone Roses, Bill Drummond, The Amphetameanies, The Lee Thompson Ska Orchestra, Ruts D.C., Paul Heaton & Jacqui Abbott, and The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu. Caledonian Cowboy was also the solo piper to launch the Queen's Baton for the Commonwealth relay/Glasgow 2014. ***


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